Friday, June 15, 2018

Screwballs (1983)

After last week's Malibu High, a movie that is not at all as fun and lighthearted as the poster looked, I decided it's time for me to actually go for something that is exactly what it appears.

Screwballs - "The nuts who always score!"  I mean just look at that poster.  The simple composition of a girl in her underwear running away from a dude in his boxers while he pulls the strap to her bra tells you exactly everything you need to know about this movie.  Mainly that there will likely be lots and lots of sexual misconduct.  And I'm gonna see boobs.  But mostly the sexual misconduct.  But even more mostly that I'm gonna see boobs.

Back in the late 70s, National Lampoon's Animal House hit theaters and set the stage for a comedic renaissance that would sprout into what I can best describe as a few distinct sub-genres of comedy.  The first was, of course, the college comedy.  It usually would have characters who were in college, or college aged and served as a sort of coming-of-age type of flick.  That's what Animal House was and it would later include the Rodney Dangerfield classic Back to School.

Next was the shenanigans sub-genre.  The best example of this would be Caddyshack.  Usually, this included people (mostly guys) behaving poorly, or at least immaturely.  It might serve to stick it to the man or feature some sort of likable jerk who annoyed, or set out to directly opposed, another person.  Sometimes it was a group of friends trying to help a main character win a girl or win some sort of other contrived situation.

Finally, you had the sex romp.  The popularity of this sub-genre was launched into the stratosphere by Porky's.  It pretty much entirely focused on a set of guys whose main goal was to get laid, but also tended to wear the disguise of the coming-of-age type of story - but with lots of sex.  Typically, these characters were high school, or recently graduated, characters.  They were almost always immature in their use of low brow comedy, but every now and then, you'd get a super well done, mature, and, at times, touching movie like Fast Times at Ridgemont High that could utilize the drive young men have to lose their virginity with the girl they have a huge crush on to great affect, but not completely lower the standard of comedy or characterizations.

While many comedies of the 80s could utilize a venn diagram contraption to marry multiple sub-genres together, Screwballs is absolutely most directly influenced by Porky's.

I'm not going to give you a synopsis because, instead, I've got a pull quote from a website review.  "4 STARS! HALL OF FAME NUDITY! The essential epic of horny high school kids!"  Where did that quote come from, you ask?  Mr. Skin - the website devoted to giving you the exact time stamps for nudity in film.  Bravo!

Let's just dive right in, shall we?

Friday, June 8, 2018

Malibu High (1979)

Hooray!  I'm gonna watch more exploitation from the 70s!  This makes me very happy.  And why shouldn't I feel that way?  Look at the poster to the left for this week's feature, Malibu High.  Look at the comely lady sunbathing toplessly with that smile that almost says, "Look what I got myself into this time...  I'm such a fun gal!"

And what did she get herself into?  Well, it looks like a bunch of various types of guys in the background are looking on.  Because they are drawn in caricature while she is drawn in photo realism, I'm guessing these guys are gonna be a bunch of rapscallions that will be either scolding our luscious leading lady Kim (played by Jill Lansing), or they will be chasing after her like sex-crazed juveniles hoping she'll spend a night with them in the ol' sack.

Let's take a look at the synopsis on Wikipedia.  "High school student Kim Bentley (Lansing) is having a tough time of things at the moment, she has been dumped by her boyfriend Kevin (Stuart Taylor) for rich girl Annette (Tammy Taylor), her grades are slipping and she has no money, and all her mother (Phyllis Benson) seems to care about is cleaning. Kim tells her best friend Lucy (Katie Johnson) that the nonsense ends today."

Well that fits right in line with how jaunty and fun the poster looks!

Wait...  There's more: "Kim's been feeling sorry for herself ever since her father hanged himself."

Oh... Oh that's dark. And it goes on:

"She begins working for Tony the pimp (Alex Mann) and things start to look good for her, new clothes, new car and good grades. Annette begins to hate Kim even more and Kevin becomes jealous. Kim then meets Lance (Garth Howard) who frees her from turning tricks in a beat up old van which leads her to better clothes and nicer cars. Prostitution isn't the worst of it as Kim is forced to kill a man in self-defense when he tries to have his way with her being tied up. Kim becomes a hit woman and after murdering several people, she herself..." 

I have to stop there.  I... I don't want to ruin the end. The dark, downer, depressing end to this poor girl's story.

But the poster!  The poster looks so fun!  Sigh.  I guess we should get started and try to piece together if this movie is fun and lots of laughs or if it's moody, dark, and disturbing.

Friday, June 1, 2018

The Candy Tangerine Man (1975)

"GIT BACK JACK - GIVE HIM NO JIVE... HE IS THE BAAAD'EST CAT IN '75"

Here's a perfect example of spectacular marketing at work.  I mean...  You've got a rhyme that uses the word "jive".  Not to mentioned "bad" has two extra A's for effect.  And this fella is a cat.  I like cats.

Also, this is a fuckin' for real 1970s blaxploitation action flick with crime and racists cops and a fuckin' pimp.

The Candy Tangerine Man is a favorite of the genre for Quentin Tarantino (becauseofcourseitis) and Samuel L. Jackson (because he's a bad motherfucker).  The former stating that the director, Matt Cimber, made some of his more favorite films.  I think it is also extremely important to discuss Mr. Cimber.

Matt Cimber is pretty well noted for making not only The Candy Tangerine Man, but also the film that accompanied it on the Vinegar Syndrom Blu-Ray/DVD release, Lady Cocoa.  However, Cimber made some other movies of note.  In the early 70s, he made some exploitation movies of a different kind - sex education films.  Most notably of these are Black is Beautiful (aka Africanus Sexualis) and The Sexually Liberated Female.  In the mid-70s, he made his more action-oriented blaxploitation flicks (which this week's feature is a part of), but in the 80s, he was a part of a couple other interesting projects.

In 1982, he made the movie Butterfly starring Pia Zadora.  The movie was nominated for three Golden Globes, two of which were for acting.  Zadora for a best newcomer category and Orson Motherfuckin' Welles for Best Support Actor.  The film, though, would also get nominated for a shit ton of Razzies, the bad movie equivalent of the Oscars, probably because the movie got nominated for the Golden Globes before anyone had actually seen it.  This was a relatively interesting award show controversy that might just be more interesting than the 2016 Oscars ending with the wrong movie being named Best Picture.  Simply put, Zadora's husband flew a bunch of the Hollywood Foreign Press, the committee that awards the Globes, to Las Vegas to see her sing -when she won an award for a movie that no one had yet seen, it raised some eyebrows that it was bought by her husband.

The other thing Cimber did in the 80s of note was as creator and director of  a bunch of episodes of GLOW: Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.  Which now makes me wonder exactly how much inspiration Marc Maron took from Cimber in the Netflix series GLOW.  Did Matt Cimber ask people about cunt-punches?

I sure hope so.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Kung Fu Brother (2016)

Oh no...  I may have pushed this luck with the kung fu and martial arts movies one week too far.

This... is Kung Fu Brother.  You know you're in troubling waters when the following things can be said about your movie:
1. There is a discrepancy in the release date: Amazon says 2016, IMDb says 2014.
2. IMDb's cumulative score for the movie is a whopping 2.7/10
3. Ron Hall, star of Vampire Assassin, is in your movie. You can find reviews of this here and here.
4. The guy on your DVD cover looks like he just literally lept out of the N64 game Goldeneye and is kicking you with his gross bare foot.

And then there's the trailer.  The trailer looks like The Asylum decided to make a Rush Hour movie and then air it on a GeoCities page.  It's loaded with really dumb jokes.  Throughout the entire trailer, we learn that, surprise, there is no one that looks anything like the computer animated character from the cover of the DVD in the entire movie.  Instead, the titular "Kung Fu Brother" is, indeed, Ron Hall.  And he's only in a little bit of the trailer as the focus is on the Jackie Chan/Chris Tucker wannabes that seem to be the center of this dumb movie.

This movie is gonna hurt.

So the actual synopsis is as follows (from Amazon Prime): "Three cops and a female reporter are in hot pursuit of a murderer whose quest is to acquire the Sacred Kuji Denjo Scrolls.  As the team traverses the globe in this perilous adventure, they can't seem to avoid hand to hand combat battles, white knuckle car chases, sword fights, and explosive gun fights."

Yay.  I can't wait to watch this movie.  It's a good thing it is, indeed, time for me to watch the movie.

Friday, May 18, 2018

Policewomen (1974)

Cold Steel on the outside... ALL woman on the inside!

Ooh boy this kinda has my motor running if you know what I mean, fellas.  Policewomen is about a lady cop (as pictured on the poster to the left), who has a skirt on, some stockings, and boobs, taking on a gang of lady criminals - they, too, probably in the boob and skirts market.  I bet they also like to carry around guns and point them and shit!

HOLY JEEZ, GUYZ!  LADIES AND GUNS!  WOOHOO!

Ahem...  Sorry, everyone.  Not sure what got into me there.  Anyway, I should also point out that this is another movie featuring some sweet martial arts action.  I mean, why not?  Let's turn this month into a balls-to-the-walls kung fu month, eh?!?

I should probably also mention that this movie is titled awkwardly, and there is a story behind that.  First of all, this movie only follows a single police lady - or police woman.  However, the title of the movie is pluralized.  Why's that?  Well, right around the same time this movie was slated to release, a TV pilot by the name of Police Woman was airing.  So, the makers of this movie decided to make the woman women and then cram the two words together into one, hence Policewomen.

What's the movie about?  Well, as I've already mentioned above it's about a lady cop (played by The Hangover's Sondra Currie) infiltrating a gang of all lady gold smugglers.  I honestly don't know much more than that.  And martial arts.  Amazon promised me some martial arts.  They also promised that the bad girls are "femme fatales".  I will be the judge of that!

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and start the movie.  I've rambled on this preamble too long.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Devil's Express (1976)

Holy Jesus Fuck, what do we have here?

Why, it's Warhawk Tanzania starring in Devil's Express!  Where do I start with this one?  I mean, everything in the poster looks batshit crazy.  There's a monster guy who has a woman in one hand and a train in the other.  We have the not one, but TWO taglines - "50,000 years of Death stalks the subways!!!" and "Take the Express train to TERROR!!!"  Both of these are capped with three exclamation points so you know you have to take it seriously.

But no, what I like the most is the kung fu black man on the right side of the poster.  Mr. Warhawk Tanzania!  That's a fucking name and a half, ain't it?  Seriously, you can hope for, nay, EXPECT, two things from a name like that - 1) he's gonna kick ass and 2) he ain't gonna take no jive from anybody no how.

Yes, I'm letting the high of The Octagon from last week ride so I can dip into more martial arts action, and you knew from my past forays into blaxploitation that I'd be coming back for more.  And, oh boy do I think I found a great place to jump in (also, no shit, I've scheduled 4 blaxploitation flicks over the course of the next seven weeks, so sit back and enjoy, kiddies!).

Interestingly enough, I can't find too much about either Mr. Tanzania or Devil's Express.  I was able to learn that Tanzania only appeared in two movies between 1975 and 1976 - this one and another called Black Force.  Also, this movie was mostly known as Gang Wars which is an incredibly stupid movie title for a movie that is about a demon stalking the subways.  I almost expect Black Force to be the alternate title of a movie called Just Some Upwardly Mobile Black Gentlemen Acing Tests in Science Class because that would be just as stupid as Gang War is to this movie.

I say we dive in and try to figure out exactly how fucking awesome this movie is going to be and if there is indeed some sort of gang war that is more important than a fucking demon running around the subway system.

Friday, May 4, 2018

The Octagon (1980)

Aw shit yeah octagons.

They tell us to stop our cars.  They are used all over the place for shady fighting tournaments.  They have eight, count 'em EIGHT, sides.  You know why octagons are so fuckin' badass?

Because they ain't no squares, that's why.

Then there's Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris does not wear a condom - because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris has counted to infinity - twice.  They once made Chuck Norris brand toilet paper, but he wouldn't take shit from anybody.  The chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN.

Put Chuck Norris and an octagon together in one movie and, holy fuck, do you have something that will melt brains while causing your head to explode from sheer awesomeness.

And that's what we have for this week - The Octagon!  After last month's constant reminder that doing this blog is a curse and not a cure for what ails me, I decided I needed some action.  Action that I can only get from Chuck fuckin' Norris.

By the way - did you know that Chuck Norris once time traveled to stop the JFK assassination?  Yeah, he got there, leaped in front of Oswald's bullets and deflected them with his beard.  From the sheer awesomeness of it all, JFK's head exploded.

The Octagon comes from a time before Chuck Norris became a primary force for Cannon Films - and a beard aficionado.  It's often considered a favorite of martial arts movie fans.  It helped to usher in the 80s ninja/kung fu/action craze that would last for at least a couple decades - with several of those movies finding life as easy to produce entertainment to release direct to video and feed the hunger of action fans all over this big ol' dumb country of ours.

So what's it all about?  Well, Chuck Norris is martial artist action man Scott James (a name I will not refer to anymore in this article because he is, and always shall be, Chuck Norris) who has to conquer some demons of his past and defeat a plan of ninjas to create a worldwide training camp for fuckin' terrorists called THE OCTAGON!

Fuck yeah, people!  That description gives me a 'Murica boner!  So let's stop talking about this movie and let's dive deep into this sweet sweet action flick!

Friday, April 27, 2018

The Suckling (1990)

Oh, what's this?  The Suckling?  I wonder if this movie is any good.  What is it that they say?  Ah, that's right...

"What's in a name?  Everything."

Oh.  Oh, no.  That doesn't bode well.  Well, I can at least say that the monster on the cover of the box is fucking awesome looking.  Look at that guy!  He's all head and teeth and grossness!

I also have to give it props for two things written up on for real, very reliable websites.  The first, is the very brief synopsis given on Amazon Prime Video: "An aborted fetus dumped in a sewer full of toxic sludge returns.  Newly restored in HD."  Fuck yeah!  We got a dumpster baby!  AND!  AND!  It's been restored to high goddamn definition!  That just kills me.  That part at the end about it being newly restored is likely not going to be the selling point for any normal person looking for a movie for this evening's entertainment.

Second is the "Reception" portion of its Wikipedia page: "As stated in the copy of one release of this film, 'THE SUCKLING has been compared to Alien for its claustrophobic intensity and Die Hard for its non-stop action.' Given the film's low budget and technical flaws, discerning filmgoers may disagree."  Are Wikipedia pages allowed to infer stuff like that?  I kinda want to scream "FAKE NEWS!" at Wikipedia for that section like people who may try to use this film as "gotcha evidence" against Planned Parenthood on various conspiracy theory YouTube channels.

Also, before I dive in, I feel it necessary that this movie has a second title as well - Sewage Baby.  That's all.  Just a fucking awesome secondary title for this movie I'm about to watch.

Friday, April 20, 2018

After School Massacre (2014)

I'm gonna guess it doesn't take too much to understand why I'm doing this movie, but, nonetheless, this week's B-Movie Enema is a little 2014 "comedy" I found on Amazon Prime Video called After School Massacre.

I mean, the cover's got the word "massacre" in the title.  There's a bloody knife.  It's got a shitty tagline of "Some students just don't make the grade."  "After school" takes me back to the cheesy, but still classic, ABC Afterschool Specials that taught me the dangers of strangers and drugs and pregnancy.  It looks like the killer committing the titular massacre is hiding under a bath towel...  Or, wait, I guess he's under the bed.

Oh, yeah, there are also four comely women who are playing sexy girl games in various stages of undress on top of that bed the killer is hiding under.  Dude!  The action is on TOP of the bed, not UNDER it!  I don't know much about this movie at this point, but I don't know how smart the killer is if he's not getting in on that action on top of the bed.

Admittedly, this is a bit of a softball lob for me to crush.  I was looking around for movies to talk about as I was prepping to return to the blog after my sabbatical and this was just dangling out there like the perfect pitch over the plate for Mark McGwire to swing away at.  It's got all that shit all over the cover like a crappy 80s slasher flick.  It's only 73 minutes in length.  Hot chicks.  This is gonna be an easy one to help build the catalog for the blog.  I fully admit it.

But what is this movie actually about?  Well, here's what Amazon says: "A 12th grade European History teacher, whose minor online communication with a teasing student finds himself immediately terminated from the school grounds.  In a fit of rage, he snaps into a psychotic killing spree, terrorizing his former female students at their slumber party!"

So there you have it.  I kinda feel like writer/director Jared Masters probably was watching Slumber Party Massacre and thought to himself, "Yeah, I can do that exact thing.  And voila!  After School Massacre was slapped together and released asap.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Saturday the 14th (1981)

This week's B-Movie Enema is being released in conjunction with the latest three-part episode extravaganza at Film Seizure!

That three-part extravaganza over there is for our original pilot episode in which we talked all about the first three Friday the 13th movies.  So, with today being Saturday the 14th, and we talked about the first three movies of the Friday the 13th series...

Well, you get the picture.

Saturday the 14th was a relatively famous movie when I was a kid.  It seemed to be on TV an awful lot and had recognizable faces in it.  The star, Richard Benjamin, has sort of been featured here before as well as being known for being the protagonist in the original Westworld movie.  He was not just an actor, but also a director.  Just go back some months to find me talking about his My Stepmother Is an Alien. Here, he's starring with his real life wife, Paula Prentiss, who was mostly known for being in the 1975 version of Get Out, The Stepford Wives.

But wait!  There's more!

Jeffrey Tambor is also present in this movie as a Dracula-like vampire?  Named Waldemar?  Like the Paul Naschy werewolf character.  That's odd.  Also, we have a literal Van Helsing played by character actor Severn Darden who we've seen as Kolp, the primary investigator guy, in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.  So, how's about that?  We have recognizable people in this!

Sadly, where the good parts of name recognition, and a scant 75-minute runtime, end, the real problems with this movie begin.  But let's dive into this movie, and I'll talk about my issues as I come across them...
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