Friday, July 20, 2018

The Munchies (1987)

Ah, Gremlins.  What a great movie, right?

Little monsters running around doing stuff.  They start off cute and cuddly, but uh oh...  You can''t get them wet!  They multiply if they get wet!  You can't feed them after midnight!  They turn into ugly, scary monsters when you do that!  And you REALLY can't let them work on their tans because sunlight kills them!  That's really bad!

I'm glad I get to talk about Gremlins (by the way, my all-time favorite Christmas movie), but I'm going to not watch that at all.  Instead, I'm gonna be watching one of the Gremlins ripoffs that flooded video stores after it hit big in the mid 80s.  Of course, there's Critters, which I will get a shot at talking about at the end of the year over at Film Seizure (which is a podcast I co-host).

No, this was the lesser ripoff than even Critters - Roger Corman's The Munchies.  Seriously, I don't even mean to watch this many Corman movies lately.  I can't believe how many of these really bad 80s movies he produced or was involved in some way with and how available they are in the gray market.  Oh by the way, I only have this on DVD-R because there's no one in the world who would release The Munchies on an actual DVD.

So here we are.  My sad, terribly lonely life.  Spending a Friday night watching a Gremlins ripoff when I could be out having fun - which would probably mean sitting in a movie theater watching another movie that, in some way, rips off some other thing another movie did and made a bagzillion dollars.  At least The Munchies has little monsters running about and causing trouble and making for kooky crazy shenanigans.


Friday, July 13, 2018

Splatter University (1984)

There are few things about the 80s more true than the following:

1. Kids went to college.
2. Slasher movies happened - sometimes at colleges.

The topic of this week's B-Movie Enema is the 1984 slasher flick, Splatter University.  However, it's not really 1984.  The film was initially filmed in 1981.  When the runtime was only 65 minutes, they went back and filmed 13 more minutes in 1982.  So, really I guess this movie has three potential years of release.

And the movie REALLY struggles with the dimension of time - more on that later.

This movie has a marvelous Wikipedia page with the following factoid:  "The filmmakers were originally told they would have two weeks to shoot at Mercy College, but the school cut their time by a week, so many members of the crew wound up sleeping in the classrooms to ensure the film was finished. When students returned to school they were alarmed to find crew members cleaning up fake blood."

That's fantastic.  Imagine coming back to school at Mercy College, which Mark Zuckerberg is an alum, and just seeing these guys conspicuously mopping up puddles of blood everywhere.  Then you get a call from your doting mother asking you how your first day back to school was and you telling her that there was a fucking massacre on campus and guys were still cleaning up all the blood from it.

Anyway, Splatter University was distributed, for a time, by Lloyd Kaufman's Troma Entertainment.  I'm not sure exactly how to feel about that.  It's been a while since I visited a Troma film - the last being two years ago with Pot Zombies, the current "worst movie ever covered on B-Movie Enema" leader (no small feat I might add).  I want to give this at least somewhat of a benefit of the doubt just because this should have some super hot early-80s chicks in it, but is this going to be like the movie Mother's Day or is it going to be like Pot Zombies?

I'm almost scared what the answer is, but I guess there's only one way to find out, and that's to just crack this son of a bitch open.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Humanoids from the Deep (1980)

It was only a matter of time before I would come right back to Roger Corman and his extensive library of films.  I didn't quite think it would only be two weeks.  I also have been wanting to get back to some monster action too.  I mean I guess I did have Devil's Express, but was that really a monster movie or just a sweet ass kung fu movie?  So, with that thought, it's been since The Suckling several weeks ago that I've traveled to that sub-genre.

Why not marry the two things I've been wanting to explore deeper and look at a more contemporary Roger Corman monster movie???

Humanoids from the Deep is a 1980 movie with a pretty provocative poster about fish monsters that begin to terrorize a small California community.  That's pretty much it.  Monsters come up from under the water in this fishing town and do monster shit.  There is absolutely nothing more interesting about this movie.  In fact, it seems somewhat tame for me to even talk about on this blog.  That's right!  Easy peasy little monster movie that involves fish monsters...

Fish monsters that rape women.

There it is.  If you thought a Roger Corman monster movie about fishy guys running amok wasn't going to have some skeevy shit in it, you were oh so wrong.  These fish monsters want to get their fish dicks into some human ladies' businesses.  With a premise like that, of course I would come along and write about it!

I don't think I need any further introduction.  Let's dive right in!  (See what I did there?  Dive right in?)

Friday, June 29, 2018

Cheerleader Camp (1988)

Welcome back to yet another B-Movie Enema.  I've been looking forward to talking about this one for a while.

Many times over the past couple years, I've mentioned the Roku channel Bizarre TV.  When I first got my Roku, it was one of the very first channels I began to watch religiously for its streaming of, well, bizarre movies and horror shorts.  Some of the movies shown there acted as inspiration for me to cover here - even if that channel was not the first place I ever saw the movie.  Sadly, that channel has been on autopilot since October as the original operator of the channel passed away in January 2018.  I still endeavor to cover movies I used to watch on the channel because it did a lot to inspire me to return to the blog after some time away from it.

This week's feature, Cheerleader Camp, is one of those movies featured on BTV.

Like The Muthers last week, Cheerleader Camp is checking some boxes.  While I've done slasher flicks, 80s horror, and cheerleader-focused movies before, this one combines all of them into one movie.  Not only that, but it also manages to throw in Betsy Russell, Lucinda Dickey, and Teri Weigel - all famous for being in movies that showed off their hotness.  So let's give up some cheers for this movie!

I picked this up from the bootleg table at last year's HorrorHound convention here in Indianapolis, so what I'm about to post from the back of the box may not actually be official... but might also be.  I feel like a marketing guy came up with this synopsis: "Welcome to Camp Hurrah, where a psycho killer is slaughtering high school cheerleaders on the eve of the all-state finals.  Drive-in goddesses Betsy Russell and Lucinda Dickey star with former teen idol Leif Garrett in this bouncing, bleeding bonanza of B-movie goodness featuring graphic violence, gratuitous nudity, bad rapping and more from the glory days of late '80s splatter.  This is CHEERLEADER CAMP!"


Friday, June 22, 2018

The Muthers (1976)

Aw shit yeah, Enamaniacs.  I have a very good feeling about this week's B-Movie Enema.

Looking back on Black Friday 2017, I excitedly took advantage of a massive sale on the Vinegar Syndrome website.  One of the movies I was excited to pick up was The Muthers.  The reasons were plentiful.

For one, it looked like a pretty sweet action movie with ladies takin' over boats and blowing shit up and stuff.  I felt it was likely going to have a blaxploitation slant, and I think you all know how I feel about that sub-genre.  It also was starring some pretty hot ladies.  I think you all know how I feel about that topic too.  That's not all, I think almost all these chicks have been in Playboy.  So, there's that too.  It's also a "women in prison" flick that was pretty popular in the 70s and into the 80s.  But it allowed me to cross another thing off the ol' checklist - Filipino sleaze.

Yes, this was directed by the anointed "Master of Filipino Sleaze" Cirio Santiago.  He made a shit ton of movies in his lifetime.  One of which, TNT Jackson, was mentioned in my Policewomen article as it stars the lovely Jeannie Bell who is also in this movie.  He also made the 1980s Expendables movie that I've seen featured here and there on various other sites and YouTube shows.  He also did another movie I will be eventually getting to - a little shitty ditty called Vampire Hookers.

This isn't just a sleazy Filipino movie (and I hope only the first of many many Filipino movies I'm gonna do on this blog).  It isn't just a seemingly sexy lady action movie.  It doesn't just cross some lines into blaxploitation.  It's also a pirate movie.  That's right.  This movie features lady pirates fuckin' up some slave trades in the jungle.

Well, holy shit, what am I waiting for?  It's time to get balls-deep into this business.

Friday, June 15, 2018

Screwballs (1983)

After last week's Malibu High, a movie that is not at all as fun and lighthearted as the poster looked, I decided it's time for me to actually go for something that is exactly what it appears.

Screwballs - "The nuts who always score!"  I mean just look at that poster.  The simple composition of a girl in her underwear running away from a dude in his boxers while he pulls the strap to her bra tells you exactly everything you need to know about this movie.  Mainly that there will likely be lots and lots of sexual misconduct.  And I'm gonna see boobs.  But mostly the sexual misconduct.  But even more mostly that I'm gonna see boobs.

Back in the late 70s, National Lampoon's Animal House hit theaters and set the stage for a comedic renaissance that would sprout into what I can best describe as a few distinct sub-genres of comedy.  The first was, of course, the college comedy.  It usually would have characters who were in college, or college aged and served as a sort of coming-of-age type of flick.  That's what Animal House was and it would later include the Rodney Dangerfield classic Back to School.

Next was the shenanigans sub-genre.  The best example of this would be Caddyshack.  Usually, this included people (mostly guys) behaving poorly, or at least immaturely.  It might serve to stick it to the man or feature some sort of likable jerk who annoyed, or set out to directly opposed, another person.  Sometimes it was a group of friends trying to help a main character win a girl or win some sort of other contrived situation.

Finally, you had the sex romp.  The popularity of this sub-genre was launched into the stratosphere by Porky's.  It pretty much entirely focused on a set of guys whose main goal was to get laid, but also tended to wear the disguise of the coming-of-age type of story - but with lots of sex.  Typically, these characters were high school, or recently graduated, characters.  They were almost always immature in their use of low brow comedy, but every now and then, you'd get a super well done, mature, and, at times, touching movie like Fast Times at Ridgemont High that could utilize the drive young men have to lose their virginity with the girl they have a huge crush on to great affect, but not completely lower the standard of comedy or characterizations.

While many comedies of the 80s could utilize a venn diagram contraption to marry multiple sub-genres together, Screwballs is absolutely most directly influenced by Porky's.

I'm not going to give you a synopsis because, instead, I've got a pull quote from a website review.  "4 STARS! HALL OF FAME NUDITY! The essential epic of horny high school kids!"  Where did that quote come from, you ask?  Mr. Skin - the website devoted to giving you the exact time stamps for nudity in film.  Bravo!

Let's just dive right in, shall we?

Friday, June 8, 2018

Malibu High (1979)

Hooray!  I'm gonna watch more exploitation from the 70s!  This makes me very happy.  And why shouldn't I feel that way?  Look at the poster to the left for this week's feature, Malibu High.  Look at the comely lady sunbathing toplessly with that smile that almost says, "Look what I got myself into this time...  I'm such a fun gal!"

And what did she get herself into?  Well, it looks like a bunch of various types of guys in the background are looking on.  Because they are drawn in caricature while she is drawn in photo realism, I'm guessing these guys are gonna be a bunch of rapscallions that will be either scolding our luscious leading lady Kim (played by Jill Lansing), or they will be chasing after her like sex-crazed juveniles hoping she'll spend a night with them in the ol' sack.

Let's take a look at the synopsis on Wikipedia.  "High school student Kim Bentley (Lansing) is having a tough time of things at the moment, she has been dumped by her boyfriend Kevin (Stuart Taylor) for rich girl Annette (Tammy Taylor), her grades are slipping and she has no money, and all her mother (Phyllis Benson) seems to care about is cleaning. Kim tells her best friend Lucy (Katie Johnson) that the nonsense ends today."

Well that fits right in line with how jaunty and fun the poster looks!

Wait...  There's more: "Kim's been feeling sorry for herself ever since her father hanged himself."

Oh... Oh that's dark. And it goes on:

"She begins working for Tony the pimp (Alex Mann) and things start to look good for her, new clothes, new car and good grades. Annette begins to hate Kim even more and Kevin becomes jealous. Kim then meets Lance (Garth Howard) who frees her from turning tricks in a beat up old van which leads her to better clothes and nicer cars. Prostitution isn't the worst of it as Kim is forced to kill a man in self-defense when he tries to have his way with her being tied up. Kim becomes a hit woman and after murdering several people, she herself..." 

I have to stop there.  I... I don't want to ruin the end. The dark, downer, depressing end to this poor girl's story.

But the poster!  The poster looks so fun!  Sigh.  I guess we should get started and try to piece together if this movie is fun and lots of laughs or if it's moody, dark, and disturbing.

Friday, June 1, 2018

The Candy Tangerine Man (1975)


Here's a perfect example of spectacular marketing at work.  I mean...  You've got a rhyme that uses the word "jive".  Not to mentioned "bad" has two extra A's for effect.  And this fella is a cat.  I like cats.

Also, this is a fuckin' for real 1970s blaxploitation action flick with crime and racists cops and a fuckin' pimp.

The Candy Tangerine Man is a favorite of the genre for Quentin Tarantino (becauseofcourseitis) and Samuel L. Jackson (because he's a bad motherfucker).  The former stating that the director, Matt Cimber, made some of his more favorite films.  I think it is also extremely important to discuss Mr. Cimber.

Matt Cimber is pretty well noted for making not only The Candy Tangerine Man, but also the film that accompanied it on the Vinegar Syndrom Blu-Ray/DVD release, Lady Cocoa.  However, Cimber made some other movies of note.  In the early 70s, he made some exploitation movies of a different kind - sex education films.  Most notably of these are Black is Beautiful (aka Africanus Sexualis) and The Sexually Liberated Female.  In the mid-70s, he made his more action-oriented blaxploitation flicks (which this week's feature is a part of), but in the 80s, he was a part of a couple other interesting projects.

In 1982, he made the movie Butterfly starring Pia Zadora.  The movie was nominated for three Golden Globes, two of which were for acting.  Zadora for a best newcomer category and Orson Motherfuckin' Welles for Best Support Actor.  The film, though, would also get nominated for a shit ton of Razzies, the bad movie equivalent of the Oscars, probably because the movie got nominated for the Golden Globes before anyone had actually seen it.  This was a relatively interesting award show controversy that might just be more interesting than the 2016 Oscars ending with the wrong movie being named Best Picture.  Simply put, Zadora's husband flew a bunch of the Hollywood Foreign Press, the committee that awards the Globes, to Las Vegas to see her sing -when she won an award for a movie that no one had yet seen, it raised some eyebrows that it was bought by her husband.

The other thing Cimber did in the 80s of note was as creator and director of  a bunch of episodes of GLOW: Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.  Which now makes me wonder exactly how much inspiration Marc Maron took from Cimber in the Netflix series GLOW.  Did Matt Cimber ask people about cunt-punches?

I sure hope so.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Kung Fu Brother (2016)

Oh no...  I may have pushed this luck with the kung fu and martial arts movies one week too far.

This... is Kung Fu Brother.  You know you're in troubling waters when the following things can be said about your movie:
1. There is a discrepancy in the release date: Amazon says 2016, IMDb says 2014.
2. IMDb's cumulative score for the movie is a whopping 2.7/10
3. Ron Hall, star of Vampire Assassin, is in your movie. You can find reviews of this here and here.
4. The guy on your DVD cover looks like he just literally lept out of the N64 game Goldeneye and is kicking you with his gross bare foot.

And then there's the trailer.  The trailer looks like The Asylum decided to make a Rush Hour movie and then air it on a GeoCities page.  It's loaded with really dumb jokes.  Throughout the entire trailer, we learn that, surprise, there is no one that looks anything like the computer animated character from the cover of the DVD in the entire movie.  Instead, the titular "Kung Fu Brother" is, indeed, Ron Hall.  And he's only in a little bit of the trailer as the focus is on the Jackie Chan/Chris Tucker wannabes that seem to be the center of this dumb movie.

This movie is gonna hurt.

So the actual synopsis is as follows (from Amazon Prime): "Three cops and a female reporter are in hot pursuit of a murderer whose quest is to acquire the Sacred Kuji Denjo Scrolls.  As the team traverses the globe in this perilous adventure, they can't seem to avoid hand to hand combat battles, white knuckle car chases, sword fights, and explosive gun fights."

Yay.  I can't wait to watch this movie.  It's a good thing it is, indeed, time for me to watch the movie.

Friday, May 18, 2018

Policewomen (1974)

Cold Steel on the outside... ALL woman on the inside!

Ooh boy this kinda has my motor running if you know what I mean, fellas.  Policewomen is about a lady cop (as pictured on the poster to the left), who has a skirt on, some stockings, and boobs, taking on a gang of lady criminals - they, too, probably in the boob and skirts market.  I bet they also like to carry around guns and point them and shit!


Ahem...  Sorry, everyone.  Not sure what got into me there.  Anyway, I should also point out that this is another movie featuring some sweet martial arts action.  I mean, why not?  Let's turn this month into a balls-to-the-walls kung fu month, eh?!?

I should probably also mention that this movie is titled awkwardly, and there is a story behind that.  First of all, this movie only follows a single police lady - or police woman.  However, the title of the movie is pluralized.  Why's that?  Well, right around the same time this movie was slated to release, a TV pilot by the name of Police Woman was airing.  So, the makers of this movie decided to make the woman women and then cram the two words together into one, hence Policewomen.

What's the movie about?  Well, as I've already mentioned above it's about a lady cop (played by The Hangover's Sondra Currie) infiltrating a gang of all lady gold smugglers.  I honestly don't know much more than that.  And martial arts.  Amazon promised me some martial arts.  They also promised that the bad girls are "femme fatales".  I will be the judge of that!

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and start the movie.  I've rambled on this preamble too long.
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