Friday, May 18, 2018

Policewomen (1974)

Cold Steel on the outside... ALL woman on the inside!

Ooh boy this kinda has my motor running if you know what I mean, fellas.  Policewomen is about a lady cop (as pictured on the poster to the left), who has a skirt on, some stockings, and boobs, taking on a gang of lady criminals - they, too, probably in the boob and skirts market.  I bet they also like to carry around guns and point them and shit!

HOLY JEEZ, GUYZ!  LADIES AND GUNS!  WOOHOO!

Ahem...  Sorry, everyone.  Not sure what got into me there.  Anyway, I should also point out that this is another movie featuring some sweet martial arts action.  I mean, why not?  Let's turn this month into a balls-to-the-walls kung fu month, eh?!?

I should probably also mention that this movie is titled awkwardly, and there is a story behind that.  First of all, this movie only follows a single police lady - or police woman.  However, the title of the movie is pluralized.  Why's that?  Well, right around the same time this movie was slated to release, a TV pilot by the name of Police Woman was airing.  So, the makers of this movie decided to make the woman women and then cram the two words together into one, hence Policewomen.

What's the movie about?  Well, as I've already mentioned above it's about a lady cop (played by The Hangover's Sondra Currie) infiltrating a gang of all lady gold smugglers.  I honestly don't know much more than that.  And martial arts.  Amazon promised me some martial arts.  They also promised that the bad girls are "femme fatales".  I will be the judge of that!

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and start the movie.  I've rambled on this preamble too long.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Devil's Express (1976)

Holy Jesus Fuck, what do we have here?

Why, it's Warhawk Tanzania starring in Devil's Express!  Where do I start with this one?  I mean, everything in the poster looks batshit crazy.  There's a monster guy who has a woman in one hand and a train in the other.  We have the not one, but TWO taglines - "50,000 years of Death stalks the subways!!!" and "Take the Express train to TERROR!!!"  Both of these are capped with three exclamation points so you know you have to take it seriously.

But no, what I like the most is the kung fu black man on the right side of the poster.  Mr. Warhawk Tanzania!  That's a fucking name and a half, ain't it?  Seriously, you can hope for, nay, EXPECT, two things from a name like that - 1) he's gonna kick ass and 2) he ain't gonna take no jive from anybody no how.

Yes, I'm letting the high of The Octagon from last week ride so I can dip into more martial arts action, and you knew from my past forays into blaxploitation that I'd be coming back for more.  And, oh boy do I think I found a great place to jump in (also, no shit, I've scheduled 4 blaxploitation flicks over the course of the next seven weeks, so sit back and enjoy, kiddies!).

Interestingly enough, I can't find too much about either Mr. Tanzania or Devil's Express.  I was able to learn that Tanzania only appeared in two movies between 1975 and 1976 - this one and another called Black Force.  Also, this movie was mostly known as Gang Wars which is an incredibly stupid movie title for a movie that is about a demon stalking the subways.  I almost expect Black Force to be the alternate title of a movie called Just Some Upwardly Mobile Black Gentlemen Acing Tests in Science Class because that would be just as stupid as Gang War is to this movie.

I say we dive in and try to figure out exactly how fucking awesome this movie is going to be and if there is indeed some sort of gang war that is more important than a fucking demon running around the subway system.

Friday, May 4, 2018

The Octagon (1980)

Aw shit yeah octagons.

They tell us to stop our cars.  They are used all over the place for shady fighting tournaments.  They have eight, count 'em EIGHT, sides.  You know why octagons are so fuckin' badass?

Because they ain't no squares, that's why.

Then there's Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris does not wear a condom - because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris has counted to infinity - twice.  They once made Chuck Norris brand toilet paper, but he wouldn't take shit from anybody.  The chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN.

Put Chuck Norris and an octagon together in one movie and, holy fuck, do you have something that will melt brains while causing your head to explode from sheer awesomeness.

And that's what we have for this week - The Octagon!  After last month's constant reminder that doing this blog is a curse and not a cure for what ails me, I decided I needed some action.  Action that I can only get from Chuck fuckin' Norris.

By the way - did you know that Chuck Norris once time traveled to stop the JFK assassination?  Yeah, he got there, leaped in front of Oswald's bullets and deflected them with his beard.  From the sheer awesomeness of it all, JFK's head exploded.

The Octagon comes from a time before Chuck Norris became a primary force for Cannon Films - and a beard aficionado.  It's often considered a favorite of martial arts movie fans.  It helped to usher in the 80s ninja/kung fu/action craze that would last for at least a couple decades - with several of those movies finding life as easy to produce entertainment to release direct to video and feed the hunger of action fans all over this big ol' dumb country of ours.

So what's it all about?  Well, Chuck Norris is martial artist action man Scott James (a name I will not refer to anymore in this article because he is, and always shall be, Chuck Norris) who has to conquer some demons of his past and defeat a plan of ninjas to create a worldwide training camp for fuckin' terrorists called THE OCTAGON!

Fuck yeah, people!  That description gives me a 'Murica boner!  So let's stop talking about this movie and let's dive deep into this sweet sweet action flick!

Friday, April 27, 2018

The Suckling (1990)

Oh, what's this?  The Suckling?  I wonder if this movie is any good.  What is it that they say?  Ah, that's right...

"What's in a name?  Everything."

Oh.  Oh, no.  That doesn't bode well.  Well, I can at least say that the monster on the cover of the box is fucking awesome looking.  Look at that guy!  He's all head and teeth and grossness!

I also have to give it props for two things written up on for real, very reliable websites.  The first, is the very brief synopsis given on Amazon Prime Video: "An aborted fetus dumped in a sewer full of toxic sludge returns.  Newly restored in HD."  Fuck yeah!  We got a dumpster baby!  AND!  AND!  It's been restored to high goddamn definition!  That just kills me.  That part at the end about it being newly restored is likely not going to be the selling point for any normal person looking for a movie for this evening's entertainment.

Second is the "Reception" portion of its Wikipedia page: "As stated in the copy of one release of this film, 'THE SUCKLING has been compared to Alien for its claustrophobic intensity and Die Hard for its non-stop action.' Given the film's low budget and technical flaws, discerning filmgoers may disagree."  Are Wikipedia pages allowed to infer stuff like that?  I kinda want to scream "FAKE NEWS!" at Wikipedia for that section like people who may try to use this film as "gotcha evidence" against Planned Parenthood on various conspiracy theory YouTube channels.

Also, before I dive in, I feel it necessary that this movie has a second title as well - Sewage Baby.  That's all.  Just a fucking awesome secondary title for this movie I'm about to watch.

Friday, April 20, 2018

After School Massacre (2014)

I'm gonna guess it doesn't take too much to understand why I'm doing this movie, but, nonetheless, this week's B-Movie Enema is a little 2014 "comedy" I found on Amazon Prime Video called After School Massacre.

I mean, the cover's got the word "massacre" in the title.  There's a bloody knife.  It's got a shitty tagline of "Some students just don't make the grade."  "After school" takes me back to the cheesy, but still classic, ABC Afterschool Specials that taught me the dangers of strangers and drugs and pregnancy.  It looks like the killer committing the titular massacre is hiding under a bath towel...  Or, wait, I guess he's under the bed.

Oh, yeah, there are also four comely women who are playing sexy girl games in various stages of undress on top of that bed the killer is hiding under.  Dude!  The action is on TOP of the bed, not UNDER it!  I don't know much about this movie at this point, but I don't know how smart the killer is if he's not getting in on that action on top of the bed.

Admittedly, this is a bit of a softball lob for me to crush.  I was looking around for movies to talk about as I was prepping to return to the blog after my sabbatical and this was just dangling out there like the perfect pitch over the plate for Mark McGwire to swing away at.  It's got all that shit all over the cover like a crappy 80s slasher flick.  It's only 73 minutes in length.  Hot chicks.  This is gonna be an easy one to help build the catalog for the blog.  I fully admit it.

But what is this movie actually about?  Well, here's what Amazon says: "A 12th grade European History teacher, whose minor online communication with a teasing student finds himself immediately terminated from the school grounds.  In a fit of rage, he snaps into a psychotic killing spree, terrorizing his former female students at their slumber party!"

So there you have it.  I kinda feel like writer/director Jared Masters probably was watching Slumber Party Massacre and thought to himself, "Yeah, I can do that exact thing.  And voila!  After School Massacre was slapped together and released asap.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Saturday the 14th (1981)

This week's B-Movie Enema is being released in conjunction with the latest three-part episode extravaganza at Film Seizure!

That three-part extravaganza over there is for our original pilot episode in which we talked all about the first three Friday the 13th movies.  So, with today being Saturday the 14th, and we talked about the first three movies of the Friday the 13th series...

Well, you get the picture.

Saturday the 14th was a relatively famous movie when I was a kid.  It seemed to be on TV an awful lot and had recognizable faces in it.  The star, Richard Benjamin, has sort of been featured here before as well as being known for being the protagonist in the original Westworld movie.  He was not just an actor, but also a director.  Just go back some months to find me talking about his My Stepmother Is an Alien. Here, he's starring with his real life wife, Paula Prentiss, who was mostly known for being in the 1975 version of Get Out, The Stepford Wives.

But wait!  There's more!

Jeffrey Tambor is also present in this movie as a Dracula-like vampire?  Named Waldemar?  Like the Paul Naschy werewolf character.  That's odd.  Also, we have a literal Van Helsing played by character actor Severn Darden who we've seen as Kolp, the primary investigator guy, in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.  So, how's about that?  We have recognizable people in this!

Sadly, where the good parts of name recognition, and a scant 75-minute runtime, end, the real problems with this movie begin.  But let's dive into this movie, and I'll talk about my issues as I come across them...

Friday, April 6, 2018

Terror on Tour (1980)

So here's a bit of a rarity on B-Movie Enema - a movie I'm coming into practically blind.

I've watched the trailer for this week's feature, Terror on Tour, and it looks pretty shitty.  I think it's supposed to be some sort of KISS band with guys in white and black makeup in tight clothes and capes and shit who begin to kill people or something?  No, maybe it's like an early version of Insane Clown Posse or something because they kinda look like clowns?  All I know is that you know you're in good hands when there is no such thing as a poster for the movie.  All you got is a VHS cover, and it's a Media VHS release no less.

I've seen this on the Jofer Jeff YouTube channel and that guy 1) is a Jeff/Geoff, so he's clearly a stand up guy and 2) he's given me plenty of entertainment (including having uploaded a copy of Deadly Sins for me to be able to include that in my Alyssa Milano Month - so, I stress, he's gotta be good people).  However, I do admit, this one might be a bit rough, but I'm game.

This also continues a little bit of a tradition we've seen on this blog before - the rock 'n roll horror movie.  This is the third movie I've covered that has that genre (previously, I've looked at Zombie Nightmare just last week and Black Roses last year), and I plan on continuing to review this sub-genre.  For a good chunk of the 1980s, Evangelical Christian groups felt that horror movies and rock 'n roll were luring children away to make them devil worshipers.  Like, no shit, they really believed that and spent a bunch of the decade tying correlations between bad behavior and taste in music and movies.  Considering KISS was a big time target for these groups, why not make a cheap ass horror movie where you have a band in makeup killing people?  Sounds like a surefire hit!

Considering I hadn't heard of this movie before, oh, about a year ago, it's clear this was nothing of a hit.  Like I said, I have only watched the trailer, and I want to fly this one blind.  So, let's dive into this flick and see what the deal is with this little obscure flick...

Friday, March 30, 2018

Zombie Nightmare (1987)

Since returning from hiatus, I've written about a Canadian movie and a movie from 1987.  This week, I cover a 1987 Canadian movie.  Huh...  Funny how things work out.

Zombie Nightmare is one of those flicks that marries heavy metal and horror.  I've touched upon this before with Black Roses - which also happens to be a Canadian horror movie.  However, this one has a few very distinct reasons for why I wanted this on the blog.

First, this is a Mystery Science Theater 3000 alum.  It's a pretty solid episode as well.  Second, our star, Jon Mikl Thor, had this and another movie with "Nightmare" in the title from 1987 that just simply need to be here on B-Movie Enema.  Finally, it was one of the final six movies to be looped on Bizarre TV before the Roku channel's original owner, Ronda Baffes, passed away.  Bizarre TV was such a huge part of how I was able to get this far with the blog, I feel like I owe it some continued love.

This is a pretty basic little 80 minute movie.  Some punk kids kill a dude at some point in the past.  That guy's son grows up to be killed by some punk ass kids.  He's then resurrected as a zombie, gets various hairstyles, and hunts down the ones who killed him.  There's voodoo, Stephen King level psychopathic teens, Adam West, and a young, super hot Tia Carrere.  Zombie Nightmare!

Friday, March 23, 2018

Assassination (1987)

Ah Cannon Films, how I'm glad to be back in your warm embrace.

And what's this?  It's a Charles Bronson picture this time?  Oh boy.  I'm ready to see some people get their fucking teeth kicked in by a geriatric!

I've covered lots of Cannon Films on this blog, but I've only covered a couple movies from their big Chuck duo - Charles Bronson and Chuck Norris.  Those two previous films, The Delta Force and Firewalker, both belong to Chuck Norris.  It was often said, as a bit of an inside thing, that the Cannon Films casting often looked at whatever goofy movie Golan and Globus wanted to make and then separated them into the two Chuck piles.  Some were better for Chuck Norris' skill set while others were better for Bronson.  I'm guessing the movies that needed a more mobile action star who might be able to be more hands on with dishing out justice to punks went to Norris.  Then the ones that seemed more suitable for a Clint Eastwood type went to Bronson.  After all, by the time Bronson started making tons of Cannon Films, he was in his 50s and seemed much older than Norris anyway.

Assassination paired Bronson with his real life wife, Jill Ireland.  And while there does seem to be an interesting premise - the First Lady is on the run for her life with a Secret Service agent assigned to her only to find out that perhaps the people who want her dead are actually occupants of the White House itself! - the trailer kind of shows two issues.  First, this seems almost like a rehash of the witness-to-a-crime-on-the-run-with-cop idea in Cobra (a Cannon movie from the year before).  Second, it has the good old fashioned Golan-Globus Americanism involved with this bitch of a First Lady being difficult to deal with and making you wish Nancy Reagan was still around.

Ugh...  Just...  Fuck that.

Anyway, this does have an interesting director in Peter Hunt.  This guy directed one of the most underrated James Bond films in the entire, long history of the series - On Her Majesty's Secret Service.  In fact, Hunt had a major hand in the entire Bond series up to that point, serving as either editor or part of the editing department for every single film in the series before OHMSS.  This guy is kind of a hero of mine.  Not only is this another "secret service" movie, the star also married to the leading lady (in OHMSS, Bond actually fell in love and got married to the leading Bond Lady, much like how Bronson and Ireland are a real life couple), but this also, sadly was Hunt's final outing as a director of any kind for a major theatrically released film.

So, let's get into this and see if Cannon has put the "Ass" back into Assassination!

Friday, March 16, 2018

Girl House (2014)

Looks who's back in this shit saddle again!

Welcome to the 101st B-Movie Enema entry.  After spending the better part of the last, like, three months on hiatus while another project I'm a part of, Film Seizure, was launched and sailed on its own, I'm ready to come back home and begin the next hundred Enemas by returning to my bread and butter: Girls, Slashers, Dumbness, Canadian Horror, and Girl Boobs.

So, that brings us to 2014's Girl House directed by Trevor Matthews.  And I bring that up because I first saw this movie on one of the Showtime channels called Showtime Women.  They had this bumper before the movie talking about movies made by women for women.  So I thought, "Oh, okay, a lady made this movie.  That might bode well."  But it is directed by Mr. Matthews, written by Nick Gordon, and produced by Matthews, Gordon, and Cory Neal - a guy who is so much a guy, he has two guy first names as his full name.  It is also shot and edited by guys too.  That's odd, but maybe the movie is about something that would be geared toward women, that would be...

Fuck, it's about girls who work on a porno site being stalked by a maladjusted fat asshole.

I don't know about any women wanting in on this, but I'm 1,000% on board for this.  But yeah, just in case you thought I was being kinda goofy about what this movie is about, here's just some extra proof from Amazon: "In an attempt to make some extra cash while at College, Kylie moves into a house that streams content to an X-rated website. After a fan hacks in to find the house's location, she finds herself in a terrifying fight for her life."  

Alrighty, let's get back to talkin' about some shitty movies.  I've got my tissues and lotion and a nice cup of hot tea (what - I have a runny nose and my poor hands get super dry during the winter, not to mention I just want to relax with some Earl Grey).  Let's watch a fat asshole kill some hotties!
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