Friday, December 30, 2016

Embrace of the Vampire (1995)

We've come to the end of Alyssa Milano Month here at B-Movie Enema and ladies and gents, I have saved the biggest treat for last - Embrace of the Vampire.

Go back twenty some years.  You're a guy roughly my age.  You also work at a video store.  You remember watching a little show on TV called Who's the Boss and you very likely had a major crush on Tony's daughter, Samantha (Milano, no duh).  She was spunky, she was cute, she was awesome.  She was your girlfriend each week when the show came on.

Now, you're working one day at the video store and you see this new movie put out starring the girl who played Samantha and she's super all grown up and stuff.  She's got one picture of her on the box that looks like she's getting some action and another picture of her with knee high stockings and her shirt holding on for dear life before it slips down.  She's got that super hot mid-90s above-the-shoulder hairstyle and everything.  Words like "Embrace" and "Vampire" are emblazoned on the box in red.  Your eighteen-year-old mind is racing.  You know what's happening here.

You have to see this.

And you do.

And it's a VERY important moment in your maturing life.

Flash forward to the very end of 2016.  You're now a weird, kinda old, dude who watches shitty movies so he can write about them.  My friends, the joke is on you.  Welcome to my goddamn nightmare.

Our synopsis is quite simple.  IMDb says: "An 18-year-old college freshman is seduced by a handsome vampire lover who introduces her to a dark world of carnal desires."

Frankly, that is all you need to know because there is no better way to talk about this glorious flick than to use a phrase like "a dark world of carnal desires".  Let's dig deeper and I will try not to pass out from all the blood rushing from my head as this movie plays itself out.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Poison Ivy II: Lily (1996)

Oh ho, yessir!  Things are really starting to heat up here in our Alyssa Milano Month tribute at B-Movie Enema with the arrival of Poison Ivy II: Lily.

We started out the month seeing her as a pixie-haired street revolutionary with wild clothes and men fixated on her ass (rightfully so) with Double Dragon.  We then saw her play a sorta-nun in Deadly Sins.  Last week we heard the Confessions of Sorority Girls.  Now, we start to dive into her more sultry roles with the queen bee of all her sultry roles to come next week.

But for this week, Poison Ivy II: Lily is a sequel to a very controversial 1992 film appropriately titled Poison Ivy.  In that movie, Drew Barrymore plays Ivy, a troubled teen who ultimately seduces her way into a family's life and nearly destroys it.  It's probably better known for it relaunching Drew Barrymore's career after several bad bouts with substance abuse than it is for being a good movie.  Either way, it was certainly earned a great deal of fame and launched an entire series of films.

By 1996, it seemed only natural that this month's featured lady be the star of a sequel.  While Milano didn't have the bouts of drug and/or alcohol abuse, she was riding high in some pretty popular, and sexy, thrillers.  With the mid-90s direct-to-video market and Cinemax pushing late night exploitation thrillers, the inevitable sequel came.  So, let's take a look at the synopsis from the back of the DVD box...

"Lily (Alyssa Milano), is just the average new girl at school until she discovers an old diary containing Ivy's deepest, darkest secrets.  The more she reads, the more she becomes lured into Ivy's world - world of seductions and power plays - until she herself becomes the uninhibited risk-taker she always dreamt of being.  But when a dangerous affair with her married professor (Xander Berkeley) spirals out of control, Lily becomes involved in a chilling series of events that makes Poison Ivy 2: Lily as provocative an erotic thriller as the original."

I think it's safe to say I fucking loved all of that business.  Sheltered girl coming out of her shell and becoming a sexy risk-taker and the so forth...  Yes siree, let's open up this flower and dive in!

Friday, December 16, 2016

Confessions of Sorority Girls (1994)

Alyssa Milano Month continues on B-Movie Enema.  For our third installment, we hop over to Showtime to listen in on some Confessions of Sorority Girls.

This movie is actually also known as Confessions of a Sorority Girl as it was originally released.  If that sounds familiar to some exploitation fans out there, it's because it was part of a series of made for TV movies produced by Showtime that acted as loose remakes of 1950s movies of the same title.  Now, a producer on this series of remakes and a co-writer of this movie is Debra Hill.  She's best known for producing several John Carpenter movies.  So this is coming from a certain amount of talent.

You might notice two more things about this movie.  First, our theme month is edging ever more sexy with Double Dragon being an utterly safe and unsexy premise (no matter how charged they tried to make Scott Wolf's character) and Deadly Sins moving toward a more mature theme before this movie.  Now, we're just going right for the sexy exploitation factor.  The second thing you might see from the DVD box cover to the left is this also stars Jamie Luner, another sexy 90s girl.  These things should make for a movie that will please my eyes at the very least.

IMDB also perpetrates the sexiness with the description: "Attractive but warped college co-ed Sabrina resorts to lying, cheating, blackmailing, seduction, and manipulation to get what she wants."  That makes for a nice, short, direct explanation of what we have going on here.  So, I'm-a just gonna dive right in to my review.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Deadly Sins (1995)

Welcome back to Alyssa Milano Month here at B-Movie Enema.  Today, we're going to look at Deadly Sins - a Catholic thriller/slasher flick.

Back when I worked at a video store, I know I saw this movie on the shelf and thought to myself, "I like what I'm seeing here with Alyssa's face and that little hint of cleavage.  I'll have to check this out."  Well, twenty years later, I'm finally checking it out.  I guess better late than never, eh?

I always assumed this was a product of mid-90s thrillers such as Basic Instinct, Sliver, Erotica, The Color of Night, and Jade.  It seemed as such.  Throw in the Catholic-ness of it all (Milano plays a nun and David Keith is investigating murders in and around a Catholic school), Catholic school girls, and then put one of the sultriest and most loved actresses of my generation in a habit and suddenly, you got yourself a steamy thriller.

At least that is what I'm hoping for.

But what is our actual synopsis?  IMDb sez...  "New area deputy Jack Gage (Keith) arrives on the island to find that a girl at the local Catholic girls' school has been found dead. After investigating, he finds that students have been disappearing regularly for five years, about the time Mother Bernadette passed away. Gales and the Mother Superior's secretary Cristina (Milano) work together to try and unravel the mystery, and discover that the students and faculty all seem to have some secrets."

Now, admittedly, I have a few things I would like to see after getting a little understanding of what I'm about to watch.  I want to see girls in the little plaid skirts.  I feel that A) I've earned that and B) it's the 90s, that shit was just as hot, or hotter back then, as it is now.  Next, I want Alyssa Milano to be struggling with being a nun.  I want see her experiencing new stuff that she hadn't had to think about before.  Again, I feel like I have earned that shit.  Finally, I want to see a nun be the murderer.  That's something you don't see too too often.  Let's unwrap this and immerse ourselves in some Catholic murder mystery!

Friday, December 2, 2016

Double Dragon (1994)

It's December and it is a time of giving.  That said, I'd like to dedicate this month to a specific actress that has given not only me, but all of us so so much.  And since her birthday is also in December, well... Yeah, I put a lot of thought into this theme.

So without further ado, welcome to Alyssa Milano Month on B-Movie Enema!  We have five, count 'em FIVE, movies from one of the most productive, and crushed upon, girls of the 90s.  Not one who got mixed up in booze or drugs, but a legit amazingly hot woman who, to this day, still commands her sexuality and better judgment to be a hell of a person.

Oh, and she's the first girl I ever had a crush on and thought of naughty, naughty things.

While you can probably guess one movie in particular I will be covering this month (because it is one of the finest pieces of sexy filmmaking ever), I opted to ramp up to it.  So, here we are, a movie based on a video game that I (controversially) didn't like much.  A button masher of epic proportions...  Double Dragon.

Talk about an ill-advised movie.  The game had a strong following and was selected to be one of the early video game crazes to be made in to movies. Unfortunately, no one took any notes from the disastrous Super Mario Bros. and Hollywood churned out three more turds - our buttplug of a feature today, Street Fighter, and Mortal Kombat.  All three sucked, hard, but this was the first of these fighting games to screen and make fanboys want to kill themselves.

That's all I got about this movie.  I didn't care much for the game, so I never saw this movie.  I only chose it because it was a nice way to ease ourselves into a month of Alyssa Milano movies.  I suspect I will ultimately wish I had chosen the one Amy Fisher movie she made for Lifetime instead, but...  Well...  That one wasn't quite as readily available to me as this one was.  I fear that will come back to bite me in the asshole.  Right up there in the asshole.  Not the cheeks.  The actual hole.

IMDB sez: "Two brothers have half of a powerful ancient Chinese talisman.  An evil gang leader has the other half, and determines to get the brothers' half and have a complete medallion so he can gain absolute power."

Sigh...  Okay, let's get crackin' so I can eventually move onto the better Alyssa Milano movies of the 90s...

Friday, November 25, 2016

Don't Open Till Christmas (1984)

Happy Thanksgiving, jerkwads!

With today being the official start to the mad dash to the finish line that is the Christmas shopping season, I figured I'd feature a Christmas themed movie to celebrate the occasion.  I will admit that I pretty much did not want to do anything Christmas themed for December because there are a LOT of bad Christmas movies out there - none of which I want to watch.

Enter Don't Open Till Christmas, a curious little British slasher film from the producers of Pieces.  If you don't know what Pieces is, it's a badly acted, pretty gory, slasher film.  On the poster and the box art, it tells you that it is exactly what you think it is too - which is pretty brilliant because, at that point, no critic can bash you if you do it to yourself first.  Anyway, Don't Open Till Christmas stars Edmund Purdom (who also directed the movie) and features Caroline Munro as herself in a cameo.

Being a James Bond fan, I'm looking forward to that Caroline Munro scene, personally.

From the Drive In Movie Classics 50 Pack Box Set, we're told: "A deranged killer is stalking the streets of London murdering people dressed as Santa Claus, in a number of gruesome ways.  An inspector from Scotland Yard vows to solve the case before any other Santas are found brutally murdered.  Working on some leads brought to him by a reporter, the inspector desperately tries to track down the psychopathic killer."

This seems like some pretty standard slasher fare.  I like that instead of teenagers and stuff like an American flick would have, the British go with the Jack the Ripper style killer and the inspector from Scotland Yard chasing him.  As if that's any classier.  Let's crack this bad boy open and see what's inside.

Friday, November 18, 2016

The Last Man on Earth (1964)

This week's B-Movie Enema is going to take a look at 1964's The Last Man on Earth starring the great Vincent Price.

Based on Richard Matheson's 1954 novel I Am Legend, this film puts a new spin on the post-apocalyptic wasteland type of story by featuring a man who is trying to stay alive not against zombies or crazed bad guys (see any post-Romero zombie movie or Mad Max for reference), and not strictly mutants of that wasteland (see... Judge Dredd... I guess?  And not the good one either).  Instead, our hero is fighting off people who have mutated into vampires.

That's a crazy idea if you ask me.  It's not that they aren't just mutants or crazy people gone mad from the end of the world.  No no no...  Nothing so mundane.  They are fucking Draculas!

This film was made in Italy and is an America-Italian co-production.  The exterior shots oddly don't look like they were filmed outside of Hollywood and that's kinda interesting itself.  Matheson would have several of his novels turned into movies (What Dreams May Come, Somewhere in Time, though that is not the original title of the book, and A Stir of Echoes to name just a few).  He also had a short story called Duel adapted into a television movie that launched the career of Steven Spielberg, though I have no idea why that is noteworthy.  I've never heard of that guy.  Matheson ALSO write sixteen episodes of Twilight Zone including "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" starring William Shatner.

I Am Legend, though, would be the crown jewel in terms of his adapted works - being made at least three times into movies (explanation for "at least" at the end of the paragraph).  After The Last Man on Earth, it was made into the 1971 Charlton Heston vehicle The Omega Man (though the adaptation is much looser), and the 2007 I Am Legend starring Will Smith.  I suppose it should also be said that 2008 found The Asylum producing the mockbuster I Am Omega to capitalize on the Will Smith production and so I guess it counts as an adapted piece.

But for The Last Man on Earth, our synopsis comes from the 50-pack Horror Classics DVD set: "The film opens on Dr. Robert Morgan (Price) awakening to another bleak day of existence.  It's been three years since a world-wide plague has changed Earth's population into zombie-like vampires and Dr. Morgan is the only man to survive due to an immunity he acquired working in Central America years before.  Finding food and fuel and looking for other possible survivors is his only existence all the while battling hordes of blood thirsty vampires.  Hope springs to life for Dr. Morgan when he is able to cure a young woman of her vampirism through a transfusion of his own blood.  Can Dr. Morgan create a cure for the human race before the vampires get him?"

Let's dive in, shall we?

Friday, November 11, 2016

Firewalker (1986)

Whoa-ho boy.  It's been far too long since I last talked about a Cannon Films/Chuck Norris action flick, and I think now's as good a time as any to revisit the 80s' greatest hero.

For this week, I decided to cover the one Chuck Norris movie I've seen more than any other - Firewalker.  When I was a kid, this movie was on HBO or some other cable channel ALL THE TIME.  It's just a good old fashioned Chuck Norris flick that tries so hard to be Indiana Jones.  Also Academy Award Winner Lou Gossett is there too.  And Melody Anderson who I think almost every guy my age had a crush on, thanks in no small part to Flash Gordon.

This was the type of movie that no matter the time of day it came on, I watched it in its entirety.  It's also the type of movie, when you watch it as an adult, does not stand up to the lovely memories you had as a kid.  Still, it holds that special place in your heart and  you just can't help but love this turkey.

I still have such deep feelings for it that I actually bought the movie on DVD.  Therefore, it's the back of that box where I'll take our synopsis: "After a long career of mishaps, wrong turns, and utter failures, archaeological adventurers Max and Leo (Norris and Gossett) are read to call it quits... Until a spunky blonde beauty (Anderson) with an ancient treasure map hires them to guide her into Central America to find Aztec gold.  But as they draw closer to the priceless bounty, they are unaware that a powerful, vengeful spirit is tracking their every move and will stop at nothing to protect the sacred treasures!"

Doesn't this just sound like a blast?  Also, I do love me some treasure maps, Aztec gold, and, naturally, spunky blonde beauties!

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Election Day Special: The Werewolf of Washington (1973)

My fellow Americans...  In this time of strife, unrest, dangers from threats inside and outside our great nation, I call on you to do your civic duty and vote.  Don't vote Democrat or Republican.  Libertarian or Green.  Vote Werewolf.  He is a man with voracity and spirit!  He is a man who would later appear on a cult classic television show about a guy who time travels by leaping into bodies and helping right historical wrongs.  As his poster says he "Makes it Perfectly Clear!"

Wait...  Whaaaaaaaaaaa?

Folks, today's movie is The Werewolf of Washington and it was made as a satire against the state of the nation under Richard Nixon's reign as President.  I've seen this movie too many times.  For reasons I don't want to go into here...  But let's get back to that little tagline again.

"Makes it Perfectly Clear."  Is that his campaign slogan?  Is that a play on a real politician's campaign slogan?  Frankly, I think I have a pretty strong argument that it does NOT make anything perfectly clear.  There's a fucking werewolf or puppy dog or yeti wearing an Uncle Sam hat.  I mean, that's clear.  This is pretty bonkers really.  I want to know exactly what is being made clear and I want to know it right now.  But since this is B-Movie Enema, we all know that is a fool's errand on my part.  These movies are goddamn terrible and I'm sitting here watching them like an asshole.

Sigh...  Okay, let's pull up the plot synopsis here from IMDb: "A reporter who has had an affair with the daughter of the U.S. President is sent to Hungary. There he is bitten by a werewolf, and then gets transferred back to Washington, where he gets a job as press assistant to the President. Then bodies start turning up in D.C..."

Makes it perfectly clear.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Doctor Mordrid (1992)

Woopidee doo!  You know that brand new Marvel Studios movie coming out today???  Yeah, Doctor Something or Another?!?  I'm going to talk about it today for B-Movie Enema!  What exciteme...

Wait.  What the shit is this?  Doctor Mordrid?  I'm fairly certain that isn't the name of the new Marvel movie.  I'm about 99.9% sure the character's name is Doctor STRANGE.  I mean, he looks like Doctor Strange.  He's got that tunic thing and that amulet business.  He's doing magic lightning stuff with his hands.  There is a trippy, weird shit thing going on with the universe in there.  This is Doctor Strange, right?  I mean that's Benedict Cumberbatch there playing this wizard dude, yeah?  No.  Wait, that says Jeffrey Combs.  Huh.

For all seriousness, Charles Band, schlock auteur extraordinaire, possessed a film option to bring Marvel Comics' Doctor Strange to the big screen.  With his Full Moon Features unable to produce a movie in time before the option ran out, Band, doing what all good schlock auteurs should do, just said, "fuck it" and made some small changes to the script to remove all the Marvel-ness from it.  The result was this direct to video flick, Doctor Mordrid.

That's it, kids.  That's the whole backstory to why this thing exists.  But what is it about?  IMDB tells us: "An unspeakable evil has come into our dimension and wants to rule over Earth, and only a mysterious sorcerer known as Doctor Mordrid can stop him."

Righy-o!  Let's welcome Full Moon Features to the B-Movie Enema family and crack open this Doctor Strange ripoff!

Monday, October 31, 2016

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Initially, I had planned on letting Halloween come and go and pat myself on the back for a successful month of October featuring some vampire movies.  I thought, "Hey, I had a theme, I have a movie coming up that will run parallel to Doctor Strange in the first Friday of November, and I even have an Election Day Special planned.  I'll just ride out Halloween, a job well done."  Then I watched the Halloween movies to celebrate the holiday.

Suddenly, all those repressed memories of Halloween: Resurrection resurfaced and I got mad.  Really, REALLY mad.

Because fuck this movie in the asshole.  Right up in that asshole.  Just get right in there and go balls deep.  All the way in.

Let's back up.  For those of you who are somehow unfamiliar with Halloween, the series follows the wacky exploits of serial killer Michael Myers.  He's got a real hard on for killing his family members.  In the first, he killed his older sister.  In the second, we learn our main heroine, Laurie Strode, is Michael's younger sister, so therefore that's why he's trying to kill her.  In the fourth and fifth movies, he's after his niece, and in the sixth he kills her and then tries to sacrifice a baby (long story short - it's his inbred rape baby he had with his niece).  A seventh film told four, five, and six to go fuck themselves and brought Laurie back.  After that was a success, we landed here.  With Busta Rhymes.  And Tyra Banks.

Fuck.

From the back of "The Halloween Collection" three-pack from Miramax "Classics" (quotation marks used for emphasis on this set that includes the sixth, seventh, and eighth movies), the plot is as follows: "The reality programmers at DangerTainment have selected Rudy, Bill, and a group of thrill-seeking teenagers to spend one fun-filled night in the childhood home of serial killer Michael Myers.  But the planned live broadcast turns deadly when the evening of excitement becomes a night of horror as Michael himself decides to crash the party."

Now, remember, this is 2002.  So reality TV was in its initial climb to pop culture phenomenon.  This also borrows from the far superior The Blair Witch Project by having all the characters equipped with cameras to record their reaction to the endless amounts of jump scares.  These things are not excuses.  Just setting this scene for you.  Let's just get to it, shall we?

Friday, October 28, 2016

Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride (1973)

Welcome to the final installment of B-Movie Enema's October Vampire Bookake!

This time around, we'll see the final appearance of Christopher Lee as Count Dracula AND the final showdown between Lee's Count and Peter Cushing's Van Helsing.  It's Hammer Films' 1973 Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride - also known as Count Dracula and His Vampire Brides and The Satanic Rites of Dracula.  I will also warn that while this is Hammer and it is Lee and Cushing, sadly, this is not a particularly great installment. Most will agree it is better than the one before it (Dracula A.D. 1972), but it seemed that Hammer had a hard time bringing the Count into the present day.

I don't think Hammer, or Lee, or Cushing really need much of an introduction.  These are all hallowed names of horror royalty.  I do find it interesting that Hammer was able to more successfully create a series of films featuring Dracula than Universal did despite Bela Lugosi's iconic performance.  Universal's Dracula spawned four more movies dealing with the Transylvanian, but Hammer made nine films in their Dracula series, arguably making their series the one, true Dracula of note.

So, from the 50-Pack Drive In Movie Classics set, our synopsis reads: "Count Dracula (Christopher Lee) has developed a deadly strain of bubonic plague.  He plans to use his Satan-worshiping disciples to release the plague in London in an effort to destroy the human race.  Standing in the way is Dr. Van Helsing (Peter Cushing), Dracula's nemesis, who must not only stop his archenemy but also save mankind."

 Let's get started and send this month of vampire flicks back to hell where they belong!

Friday, October 21, 2016

The Werewolf Versus the Vampire Woman (1971)

This month's Vampiralooza continues on B-Movie Enema.  This week we travel over to Europe and visit with a true horror icon that many here may not know too much about - Spanish filmmaker Paul Naschy.

Naschy is known for playing just about every monster you can think of which has granted him a distinction of being the Spanish Lon Chaney.  Despite playing Frankenstein's Monster, the Mummy, the Hunchback, and Count Dracula, it's his work as cursed werewolf Waldemar Daninsky in an entire series named "The Hombre Lobo Series"  This run found him playing Daninsky a grand total of TWELVE times.

And we can't even get a guy to stick around for more than four James Bond movies before he splits.  Sheesh.

Naschy is a definite heavyweight in non-English horror.  Most of his movies have found some sort of release here, but it's likely the masses would have hardly heard of him unlike the Christopher Lees and Peter Cushings who came over in the Hammer and Amicus films of the 60s and 70s.  Yet those real horror snobs know Naschy quite well for his varied career playing monsters.  He's also got a fairly recognizable leap he created for when he's all wolfed out and jumping and attacking people.

From the 50-pack Legends of Horror DVD set, our synopsis is as follows: "A werewolf is brought back to life and then heads off to the countryside in search of a safe haven and also prey.  Two unsuspecting girls have their car break down while in search of a legendary vampire queen's tomb.  When finding refuge in the castle of the revived werewolf, they all uncover the vampire's final resting place and unleash her from her sleep."

I like just about everything in that synopsis.  Of course it's two unsuspecting girls that get caught up in this because, of course, their car breaks down.  Why are they looking for the vampire queen's tomb?  Who fucking cares and stop asking questions, asshole.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Night Fangs (2005)

Welcome back to B-Movie Enema's October Vampire Halloween Theme thingy.  I think I've called it something different for each reference I've made.  I can only imagine that will become a running joke this month.

ANYway...  This week's vampire flick is something new.  It's not a popular movie and I'm curious if even that many vampire movie superfans know about it.  It's called Night Fangs and it's yet another movie brought to my attention thanks to a subscription to Bizarre TV on my Roku device.

This is directed by Ricardo Islas from Uruguay who's been directing movies on the reg for about thirty years now.  He's a bit of a do-it-yourself kinda guy as he also wrote the movie, produced it, edited it, and stars as Professor Nashy.  He definitely has a real care for the genre as he takes his character name from the legendary Spanish actor Paul Naschy, who stars in next week's vampire flick.  He also seems to have a real Roger Corman take too by taking on all sorts of roles in the production of this movie to help make this as much on the cheap as he can.

I'll most definitely point out some glaring inconsistencies with this movie's story, but I gotta give it to Islas, he gets an A for effort with this flick.

The back of the DVD box tells us: "Two lesbian art teachers obsessed with eternal youth have managed to get Elizabeth Bathory's diary.  Performing bloody rituals, they accidentally unleash an ancient evil that will devour their flesh and souls...  This rare, raw, and extremely violent independent feature revisits the vampire myth and presents an outrageous new take on the theme, taking audiences into a world of nightmares that resemble the style of an old Hammer classic and the gore and darkness of European cinema.  A new-born cult classic."

Let's get started, but I know from previous viewings that the only real thing that is true after the ellipses in the above synopsis is that it is an independent feature.  The rest of it is... kinda bullshit.

Still it gets a fucking A for effort.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Blacula (1972)

Now that we got The Velvet Vampire out of the way last week, it's time to get our Bloodsucking October theme for Halloween officially kicked off with something far, far better.

That's right, Jack...  Blacula is getting up in this blog.

This was the horror/blaxploitation mash up that started them all.  This one also has the widest appeal.  Yeah, it's probably because of the title.  I mean, you see a movie called Blacula, and you think to yourself, "Holy shit, I have to see this.  It's gotta be great!"  At that point, with a title like that, you either have to play it as a parody or you play it straight as shit.

They played it super straight, motherfuckers.

We could talk about William Crain, whose directing credits only total nine on Internet Movie Database - two of which are this one and another B-Movie Enema alum, Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde.  I'd rather talk about William Marshall, who played Blacula himself.  This dude has an IMDb listing that mirrors all the shit I grew up on.  His onscreen credits include Pee Wee's Playhouse (as the King of Cartoons), Star Trek (in "The Ultimate Computer"), a couple episodes of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., and a movie called Honky.  His voice work had him working on The Real Ghostbusters, and Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends where he played Tony fucking Stark and the Juggernaut.  That's goddamn awesome.  It's not terribly surprising that he worked often in his career that spanned five decades.  He had a pretty decent screen presence and had a commanding speaking voice.  Both of which helps him in both his turns as Blacula (the sequel called Scream, Blacula, Scream).

From the back of my Blacula DVD box, our synopsis is: "Urban action and fatal attraction give rise to a groove beyond the grave!  It is 1780, and African Prince Mamuwalde (William Marshall) travels to Transylvania to gain Count Dracula's support in ending the slave trade.  Instead, the Count makes Mamuwalde a vampire!  Now, nearly two centuries later, Mamuwalde emerges as the cool, dressed to kill Blacula, who lusts for human blood - and an L.A. woman (Vonetta McGee).  Co-starring Denise Nicholas and Ketty Lester, this Best Horror Film winner grabs you by the neck and doesn't let go!"

And, yes, it did win the 1972 Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films award for Best Horror Film.  That was the first year of the awards, and they are best known now as the Saturn Awards.

Friday, September 30, 2016

The Velvet Vampire (1971)

"She's Waiting to Love You... To Death!"

That's like something I'd come up with to describe a movie.  I'm not going to lie, I know next-to-nothing about this vampire flick.  I will totally admit to picking it because I saw a picture of Celeste Yarnall (who played the titular Velvet Vampire, as well as the episode "The Apple" on Star Trek) from the movie and immediately said, "I'm on board."

So, based on a picture, and a title that I can only assume indicated that this was going to be a silky smooth sexy vampire flick, I decided I'd select this as the official/unofficial kickoff to my vampire theme for the month of October.  That's right, what is more Halloweeny than a vampire movie?  Nothing.  Or at least mostly nothing.

Since it is September 30th, and October starts tomorrow, I just thought we'd go ahead and kick things off now.  The next four weeks will feature more vampire movies.  Since this is the only one I had no knowledge of whatsoever, let's just get this one out of the way and hope the rest of the Halloween Vampire-bration goes smoothly.

Our plot comes to us from Wikipedia today: "Sleepy-eyed nice guy Lee Ritter (Michael Blodgett) and his vapid, but pretty wife, Susan (Sherry Miles) accept the invitation of mysterious vixen Diane LeFanu (Celeste Yarnall) to visit her in her secluded desert estate. Tensions arise when the couple, unaware at first that Diane is in reality a centuries-old vampire, realize that they are both objects of the pale temptress' seductions."

Seems like a typical movie for this blog.  Let's dive right into The Velvet Vampire!

Friday, September 23, 2016

Teenagers from Outer Space (1959)

This week's B-Movie Enema is a bit of a treat - and the man who made it is fascinating.  I'm going to take a look at Teenagers from Outer Space.

This film, made almost single-handily on a production level by Tom Graeff, is not exactly all that well-known.  It didn't receive particularly good reviews.  It isn't exactly remembered in any spectacular way.  In fact, the most famous it probably ever got was appearing on a 1992 episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

However, I find it to actually be pretty decent and an interesting movie.  The title is not particularly important to the movie.  Yes, the main alien is, basically, a teenager, and there is some nice puppy love between him and the lovely Betty (played by Dawn Bender, though cast as Dawn Anderson officially), but it's not necessarily playing on anything societal other than to lure teenagers to come to the drive-in for a date.  So it's kind of a title that mirrors the exploitation of the late 50s and early 60s to entice a younger audience.

But let's get to the really interesting factoid about the filmmaker, Graeff.  As I previously stated, he basically bankrolled this movie solo.  He had gotten his start under the tutelage of Roger Corman so he had a bit of movie making knowledge.  When this film came out, the reviews weren't great, but not damning.  What tipped Graeff over the edge, though, was the poor box office.  Seeing how he wrote, produced, directed, and financed this movie himself, the poor box office caused him to suffer a mental breakdown.  The same year this movie came out, he proclaimed himself "Jesus Christ II" and demanded to be referred to as that.  He would be institutionalized (no shit, right?) and later would spend the 60s destitute and unable to find work.  In 1970, he committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning in his garage.  I definitely recommend you check out his page on Wikipedia.

Let's take a look at the synopsis from my Sci-Fi Classics box set and dive into this curious piece of 50s sci-fi goodness: "Beings from another planet are coming to Earth to raise the "Gargon Herd", an unstoppable torrent of giant lobsters.  When one of the aliens realizes that there is intelligent life on Earth, he heroically sets out to warn the population.  He must make the ultimate sacrifice to stop the incoming horde of deadly creatures."

Friday, September 16, 2016

The Giant Claw (1957)

The Giant Claw.

I think it was only a matter of time before it came to this.  This is one of those staples of bad movies.  While maybe not be a Plan 9 or The Room, this was a movie that seemed to step up to the proverbial plate and swing hard for the fences only to pop the ball up right in front of the plate.

It's like you should hear a sad trombone play every time you mention the title.  It's not without a couple of really great pieces - a great performance by Jeff Morrow (who was in This Island Earth), and a neat idea springing forth from actual scientific discovery through particle physics.  However, you see that fuckin' bird with those goofball eyes and doofy expression and everything just goes right into the crapper.  This movie is universally hailed as one of the worst attempts ever at a sci-fi monster movie.

It's also quite well known for how often the giant claw is referred to as being as big as a battleship, but I'm going to try to keep the criticism of that to a minimum.

On the back of the Sci-Fi Creature Classics 4-pack DVD box, we're told: "Global chaos erupts when an enormous bird from outer space ventures to Earth and begins killing scores of innocent bystanders in this awe-inspiring sci-fi thriller starring stunning Mara Corday and Jeff Morrow.  Four times faster than sound, the bird is bigger than a battleship and surrounded by an invisible radar-resistant shield which repels existing destructive devices.  It's a race against time for scientists Mitch MacAfee and Sally Caldwell to devise a weapon against this abominable creature before it obliterates the United States.  Can they do it??  See for yourself in this terrifying adventure of man against monstrosity!"

I hope whoever got paid for writing this copy for the back of the box got a raise because that description sounds amazing.  Too bad this movie isn't going to live up to it.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Blackenstein (1973)

1. Blaxploitation
2. Frankenstein Monsters
3. Dating emotionally scarred women
4. Crazy bonkers 70s movies
5. A bunch of other shit

These are just a few of my favorite pastimes.  Today, we cover some of those.  Well, except #3 (Dating emotionally scarred women).  We're not going to cover that one in today's article.  Well, unless you are an emotionally scarred woman looking for a date.  Then, well...  We can suss that shit out later.

Seriously, hit me up.

Today's feature is Blackenstein.  Or as it's also known as Black Frankenstein.  Or Blackenstein: The Black Frankenstein.  This movie may have a titling problem, but that doesn't keep it from being awesome.  Like the earlier Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde, we have another early 70s Blaxploitation horror movie that puts that "urban spin" (as crusty white people would say) on the genre.  It also manages to includes some stuff about the Vietnam War!  Bonus!

The back of my DVD box says: "Dr. Winifred Walker (Ivory Stone) and Nobel Prize-winner Dr. Stein (B-movie icon John Hart) believe they can restore dismembered Vietnam vet Eddie Turner (Joe De Sue) to the man he once was.  But the results turn monstrous, and the Blackenstein Monster goes on a rampage of murder and disemboweling, unaffected by fists, bullets and blunt objects.  Who or what can stop this menace?  And will Dr. Stein have to return his Nobel Prize?"

Ah-mazing.  Is that even a thing - to be told to return your Nobel Prize?  I mean if you win one, and then you do a bad science thing out of good intentions, do they show up and demand you give it back?  This movie box wouldn't lie to me would it?

Let's see if he's told to return that prize or not...

Friday, September 2, 2016

King Kong Lives (1986)

Fuck this movie right in the ball sack.

No.  No, I suppose I should try to be professional about this.  I shouldn't just leave it with the incredibly aggressive opening salvo I gave this article.  Instead I should try to be a little more grown up about it.

Have sexual intercourse with this motion picture unto its testicle bag, also know as its scrotum.

There we go.  All better.  But seriously, I cannot tell you how much I love the 1976 version of King Kong.  That John Barry score.  That incredibly sexy Jessica Lange.  That dickwad Charles Grodin.  That lush Jeff Bridges beard.  That incredibly sexy Jessica Lange.  Jessica Lange's legs and body.  Jessica Lange's southern accent.  Or!  That line Jessica Lange says about being saved by Deep Throat.  God-fucking-dammit Jessica Lange was hot in that movie.

Er...  Let me get back on track here.  That movie was a goddamn masterpiece of my youth - a movie I grew up with and have probably watched, like, 50 times.  This movie is a fucking dump truck of garbage.  You might think it will satisfy your needs to see a giant rampaging monkey.  It doesn't.  You might think it's gotta be good because Linda Hamilton is in it.  It isn't.  This movie is like the sort of shit you can expect to happen when a bar crosses nickel beer night with circus freak night.

And that's saying a lot because that would a million times more interesting than this turd.

The synopsis from the back of my bootleg DVD copy (yes, assholes, I bought this as a bootleg because I'm an idiot) reads: "Picking up where the 1976 version left off, King Kong Lives resuscitates the mighty ape through the miracle of modern medicine and brings him together with what will be the love of his life, Lady Kong."

Way to shit on the emotional ending of the '76 version by saving him from a shit ton of bullet wounds and a tumble from the World Trade Towers, jerkoffs.  Whatever.  Let's get this over with.

Friday, August 26, 2016

The Brain Machine (1977)

I'm going out on a limb for this week's B-Movie Enema.  I've never heard of this movie, The Brain Machine, nor can I find many pictures of it aside from this thing to the left that doesn't look anything like what the description tells me this movie is about.

So, what is this movie?  Well, it's from 1977, and we know from things like Star Wars and Geoff Arbuckle, awesome things happened in 1977.  However, from the pictures I saw from this movie, it kind of looks like I might be in for a long day watching this movie.

First, it looks like a made-for-television flick.  That means it's going to be slow paced and/or dumb.  Second, James Best, of Dukes of Hazzard fame, is in it.  He's not exactly had the best history with movies.  Finally, this movie happened about 6 years after another popular movie (based on a book) from Michael Crichton called The Andromeda Strain.  This was a really good movie, but high on science, lab sets, and deliberate pacing.  Sci-fi movies back then were not entirely the rip-roaring action flicks they are today.  Look at the sci-fi of the 50s through the late 60s.  These were all adventurous flights through space and speaking in a lot of techno/science jargon.  Then the 70s took it a little further by using social commentary or real world ideas to create the movies' worlds (see Soylent Green or Zardoz or Logan's Run or Silent Running).  Then there were the overly sciency movies like The Andromeda Strain.  I have a feeling The Brain Machine will fall into the latter.  This is very unlikely to be inspired by Star Wars like all the sci-fi movies have been since.

So what's up with this movie?  According to the 50-pack "Sci-Fi Classics" DVD set, "Four people with distinctly different backgrounds all volunteer for an experiment involving mind altering and manipulation.  The volunteers all gather at a secret laboratory and are subject to a series of procedures that border on torture, including shock therapy and psychological torture. The final portion of the procedure involves the test subjects to be exposed to an experimental device that alters the participants' minds through the exposure of their inner most fears and darkest secrets."

Not exactly sure how that description fits in with the H.R. Giger style box art I found for the image above, but meh...  Let's hope for the best on this one, guys and gals...

Friday, August 19, 2016

The Wild Women of Wongo (1958)

If there is one thing I'm kinda into, it's the idea of "untamed maidens" and the possibility of being captured as their mate.

This week, I want to travel back to the late 1950s to talk about a movie that is pretty notoriously bad.  It's kinda pointed to as one of those classic, women-gone-wild types of movies that came out near the end of the 50s.  It's almost like these movies were in direct conflict with the reality of housewives and the June Cleavers of the pop culture landscape.  It's a precursor to the sexual revolution that would grip the 60s.

However, I have to admit, I'm mostly looking forward to seeing scantily clad women when this movie gets started.

For some reason, this movie was included in the 50-pack "Sci-Fi Classics" set.  It doesn't really seem to be very sci-fi in nature.  It looks like spears and loin cloths and aligator gods and what have you.  Eh, what do I know.  The sleeve for this disc says:

"We travel tot he island paradise known as Wongo, where a clan of beautiful women are pining for company.  Luckily, they discover a tribe of handsome men on the opposite side of the island.  Unfortunately for the romantically challenged women, the island is also home to a horde of lonely ape men who are planning to forcibly take them as mates."

Okay, fuck what I said about this being a precursor to the sexual revolution of the 60s.  This movie posits the idea that these horny broads just need some dick.  Which, based on everything I seem to know about women, is kinda true, right?  I mean, broads are just objects, yeah?

Oh...  Okay.  Now I'm being advised to shut up and just get this breakdown started.  Let's go to that island paradise and meet us The Wild Women of Wongo!

Friday, August 12, 2016

Dementia 13 (1963)

This week, I decided to give myself a treat.  Yes, if I look at four of the last seven weeks, I've had a pretty good run of movies that were at least pretty enjoyable and worthy of saying I liked.  However, I'm in charge of this damn blog so when I want to treat myself to a better movie, then goddammit, that's my prerogative.

So let's talk about Francis Ford Coppola.  He's a maker of fine films like Jack, Captain EO, and Godfather III: The Revenge.  He also makes either wine or grape jelly - or BOTH...?  He also made Sofia Coppola who made a fine movie that no one knows what the fucking last line of is but I bet it's juuuuust right.

Some say he is a master filmmaker.  Some think of him as kinda lucky with a couple HUGE flicks and some others that he lost his fucking mind making.  Some even say he's a friend of George Lucas.

Anyway, I like some of his "smaller" movies - Rumble Fish, The Outsiders, The Terror (yeah, he's the uncredited director of that).  Or this one, Dementia 13.  This just stinks of young filmmaker making Roger Corman-esque mind twisters in the early 60s.  Which it should, because it was exactly that.  Hell, this thing was even produced by Roger Corman.

According to my 50-pack "Horror Classics", the synopsis of Dementia 13 is: "Louise Haloran is faced with a dilemma since her husband John has died of a heart attack and she is not included in his mother's will.  Traveling to his family's ancestral home in Ireland, Louise hopes to ingrain herself into the family while telling them that John is away on business. Unfortunately, John's family is very dysfunctional due to the drowning death of his little sister years ago so Louise must deal with some very bizarre behavior and strange happenings."

Got that?  Good.  Now, let's jump into the movie!

Friday, August 5, 2016

Alexander the Great (1968)

Holy hot damn son of a bitch mother fucker great balls of fire.  William Shatner AND Adam West star in this week's B-Movie Enema, the 1968 made for television extravaganza Alexander the Great.

Just look at that cover to that DVD on the left.  Look at Adam West down there in the bottom left hand corner looking up lovingly at a redheaded Shatner riding a horse in his little cape.  In the bottom center, it looks like that Klingon guy who couldn't stop with the fucking Shakespeare in Star Trek VI is in this too.

We have some disembodied heads floating above Shatner's horse's head and looking over his back and floating down around the DVD logo.  Shit yeah.  This has gotta be great, right?

Yeah, I know, every goddamn article I write starts with that same optimism.  Before I start watching these shit cakes, I always think what I have in store for myself is gonna be great.  Yeah, sometimes there's a Thirst, or a Messiah of Evil out there that just knocks it all the way out of the park, but most of the time, it's a shittin' catastrophe - a nightmare of epic proportions that I keep subjecting myself to.  This time, though, with the combined might and epic dramatic pauses of both Captain Kirk and Batman, this has the potential to at least be a beautiful nightmare.

From my 50-movie DVD pack, The Sensational Sixties, the synopsis goes as follows: "A historical film that follows the life of Alexander the Great, the Macedonian king that united all ancient Greek tribes and led them against the vast Persian Empire. Alexander conquered most of the then-known world and created a Greek empire that spanned all the way from the Balkans to India."

I... have some doubts.  The synopsis didn't really say anything other than what the intro to a Wikipedia page about Alexander the Great would say.  I can't say I like this.  Not one bit... But Shatner!  Adam West!  I'm staking a lot on this being the best movie I have ever seen in my life.

So there's no time like the present to get started!

Friday, July 29, 2016

Malibu Express (1985)

It's time to dive into some Andy Sidaris.  And by "dive into some Andy Sidaris", I pretty much mean to motorboat the shit out of its tits.

What can I say about Andy Sidaris and his movies?  Well, they usually feature stacked blondes.  They are, in some sort of way, connected in a shared universe.  Malibu Express kicks off the "L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies" series that would continue for 11 more movies.  Each of these movies, except for this one, would see at least one recurring character come along to help out the crew of government lady agents.

Also, most of the movies take place in Hawaii where you have even more excuse for totally big-boobed women to wear bikinis or tiny clothes.

You see where I'm going here, right?  This is going to be one of those movies that I probably use the word "tits", or some variation of that idea, a whole bunch of times.  A whole bunch.

Just a ton.

So what's this movie about?  From the back of the box of my 12 film, Andy Sidaris set, Girls, Guns, and G-Strings: "What appeared to be a simple murder case for private investigator Cody Abilene becomes a complicated matter when you have to factor in all the beautiful women, including the widow, who are potential suspects."

I have just one word to sum up this: Nice.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Brainscan (1994)

Remember Edward Furlong?  Yeah, the good John Connor.  He's in this movie.  So is Skeletor, Frank Langella.  Today, we're going to look at 1994's Brainscan!

Oh, and it also looks like Daniel Craig also plays a scary guy with a stretched out face!

In the 90s, technology was flooding our everyday lives.  Computers with the interwebs and the lightning fast 14:4 modems that delivered to us super high contrast colored websites and flying toasters.  It was only fair to assume it was going to filter into our movies.  Once in the movies, naturally, it was time for it to take over horror, sci-fi, and horscirorfi.

Movies like The Lawnmower Man, and Johnny Mnemonic, and Strange Days...  Wait, Strange Days was one of those movies, right?  What about Tek War?  That was one too, yeah?  Hackers!  That was one!

Oh whatever.  My point is there were all sorts of movies like this that tried to infuse ideas from that brand new scary thing that was happening to all of us - we were playing more video games and getting connected through Alta Vista sites and doing some virtual reality shit.  It was neat, and fascinating, and scary as shit!  Hollywood took advantage of this and churned this stuff out.

But what, exactly, is Brainscan about?  According to the back of the box: "Horror films and computer games fascinate teenager Michael (Edward Furlong), and a CD-ROM that portrays murder from the killer's point of view combines these interests.  The first time Michael plays it, he kills a stranger and cuts off a foot, thinking the events take place in virtual reality.  But the next day Michael finds a foot in his refrigerator, and cyber-ghoul Trickster (T. Ryder Smith) emerges from the program and forces him to keep playing -- and to continue committing violent crimes."

That's a fairly solid premise.  This might just work out well for me.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Drainiac (2000)

Today, we talk about another find thanks to the Roku channel Bizarre TV.

From director Brett Piper, whose website says he's been "makin' movies since the early 80s"  (literally, it says "makin'"), comes a little film called Drainiac.  What is kinda nice about this movie, and some other things that Piper's website talks about, is that this does seem to capture a feel of a bygone age of B-Movies.  In some ways, I suppose it does have some of the feel of the drive-in horror movies that were around before my time and in my youth of the early 80s.  In other ways, it resembles that "regional" film making appeal that was used often in the 70s - this would have been when small, independent movies, usually starring no one of consequence, would get made in a state or region of the country for the sole purpose of only ever playing in the local theaters or drive-ins.

(As a side note, Piper is the director of one of the movies I would love to get a copy of - They Bite about a fish monster plaguing a porno movie set.)

Sometimes it's a bit of a blessing to find these little movies like this that has more elbow grease and care given to it than a budget to provide spectacular CGI effects or slick production value.  Sometimes it's not so fun either.  However, I will digress and refer to the back of my DVD box to give you a synopsis of Drainiac:

"When Julie Ashbrook helps her father fix up a helplessly run-down house, she is clearly unaware of the horrors that are about to follow.  As her father leaves for other business in town, she is plagued by bizarre phenomena.  She calls up three of her friends to keep her company in the odd run-down house.  Supernatural occurrences begin to haunt the friends and the situation becomes even more haunting when Julie's father returns from town, only to be killed by a mysterious explosion in his car.  Fearing for their lives and unsure what to do next, the friends are joined by Mr. Plummer.  He explains to them that the occurrences are due to a demonic haunting that he will try to exorcise."

Let's get this movie going and swim through the muck of Drainiac!

Friday, July 8, 2016

Bride of the Gorilla (1951)

Is there anything better than a man in a monkey suit?

Well, probably, but in an old movie, well...  Yeah, I guess there are still things better than a man in a monkey suit.  However!  It's still pretty great.  As is Lon Chaney, Jr. who was the Wolf Man.  Not to mention this also stars Raymond Burr who not once, but twice faced Godzilla and lived to tell the tale.  He was also Perry Mason.  I love me some Perry Mason.

Top billed, though, is Barbara Payton.  She has a story all her own about being drop dead gorgeous, who could make it in movies with her looks, but also had little real talent.  She died only about 15 years after the release of this movie after her life spiraled out of control and into booze, a horrifically violent relationship, and even prostitution.  She did write a tell-all book about her sorrowful life called I Am Not Ashamed.

This is not to be confused with the Christploitation movie I'm Not Ashamed coming out later this year.  My guess is her life would not have jived much with the messages of those Pure Flix produced movies.

So what's this movie all about?  According to Disc Three of my Sci-Fi Classics set from Mill Creek Entertainment: "Ramond Burr stars as Barney Chavez, a plantation manager working deep in the South American jungle. Barney has a yen for the beautiful wife of his employer, and decides to murder the old man to have her for himself. Unfortunately for Barney, a native sorcerer witnesses the crime, and puts a curse on him that transforms him by night into a murderous gorilla."

I know it is too much to ask that Raymond Burr is in the gorilla suit himself, but, I'm just going to assume he is because that would be awesome.  He had to work his way up to Perry Mason, so for a movie that was this low of budget and this silly, he HAD to be in that suit, right?  Oh well, let's talk about Bride of the Gorilla!

Friday, July 1, 2016

Ice Cream Man (1995)

Have you got the summertime blues?  Has the heat gotten to you?  Well, I'm here with a big bowl of ice cream served up from none other than Clint Howard.

The 90s saw a slew of direct-to-video horrors that seem to feature a lot of gross shit on the cover.  I mean look at that ice cream cone Clint Howard is holding on the cover of that VHS box.  That's some seriously gross shit.  It also featured lots of...  how do I say this nicely...  odd... looking... actors.  Clint Howard, a man born for b-movies, Larry Drake, who very convincingly played a mentally handicapped man on TV, Warwick Davis as a Leprechaun, but not that he's weird looking per ce, but he's a little person, and, in the 90s, that was all it took...

The point is a video store in the 90s was full of strange looking people in horror movies.

This one definitely leaves an impression on me.  That box cover was enough for me to kinda wanna pass on it for the sake of my lunch.  Also, back when I worked at a video store in the 90s, I still had room to watch "good" movies.  It wasn't until later that my lifetime good movie quota was filled, my jaded cynicism kicked in, and I decided to torture myself to watch bad movies (or at least b-movies).  Still, I contend, it's either this or I become a cutter.

The jury is still out on whether I made the right decision or not.

According to IMDb, the synopsis of Ice Cream Man is as follows: "Poor Gregory. After being released from the Wishing Well Sanatorium, all he wants to do is make the children happy. So Gregory reopens the old ice cream factory, and all the unappreciative brats are reprocessed into the flavor of the day."

I'm kinda on board here with Gregory's plan.  If those brats aren't appreciative of some ice cream, then kill 'em!

Actually, I was just advised by my lawyers to not advocate the murder of children no matter how unappreciative they are.  I am also advised against giving children candy.  Or ice cream.  Or generally speaking to them.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Black Samurai (1977)

Time to switch gears from White Comanche and green Pot Zombies.  Frankly, after the last couple weeks, I think I've earned this one.

Remember a couple months ago when I said I loved me some Blaxploitation?  It's time to revisit it, but let's throw a little international flair into this action flick.  It's time to kung fu kick you in the face with Jim Kelly as the Black Samurai, bitches!

There are a few stereotypes that are pretty consistent.  Blaxploitation flicks are cool as shit, and black people are pretty into kung fu movies.  So why not combine the two?  In the 70s, kung fu flicks were hugely popular thanks to the likes of Bruce Lee.  Lee's moves were rhythmic to the point that it registered with the black community - and he even featured co-stars like Jim Kelly and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.  There's a great love for these films.  If you don't believe me, check out this entry from the blog "Stuff Black People Dig" to read a short blurb about Lee's importance.  So it's only natural that kung fu would be a part of Blaxploitation movies.  Even Black Dynamite had a black belt.

I'm sure there's a lot articles about the cultural reasons why this is true for black movie audiences in the 70s, but I'm kinda too lazy to really look it up.  You have Google, do it yourself because I want to watch this movie so I can tell you all about it.

What's the plot of Black Samurai, you ask?  Well, according to IMDb: "Robert Sand, agent of D.R.A.G.O.N., Defense Reserve Agency Guardian Of Nations, is playing tennis on his vacation with a beautiful black girl, when his commanding officers ask him to save a Chinese girl named Toki who happens to be Sand's girlfriend, and the daughter of a top Eastern Ambassador. The ransom for the abduction was the secret for a terrific new weapon - the freeze bomb - but the 'Warlock' behind the deed is also into the business of drug dealing and Voodoo ritual murders. The search takes him from Hong Kong to California through Miami, and plenty of action, against bad men, bad girl, and bad animals."

Holy shit...  Voodoo, bad animals, freeze bombs, warlocks.  I think this will be time well spent, my friends.

Friday, June 17, 2016

White Comanche (1968)

It was only a matter of time before B-Movie Enema was graced by this movie.  White Comanche is listed by John Wilson, who founded the Golden Raspberry Awards (or Razzies as they are known by most) as one of the most enjoyably bad movies ever.

If you ask me, that all sounds awesome.  But wanna know what's better?  It not only has Williams Shatner playing a high plains drifter type, but he also playing a second role as a leader of a Comanche tribe.  That's right!  Double Shatner comin' at yo' face!

On top of all that, look out ladies because Comanche Shatner is pretty much tits out for the whole movie.  No matter how much his gut expanded during this era, he just couldn't get enough of showing that chest.  You know what?  Good for him.  My gut is ever expanding as well, so I'm gonna follow the lead of my childhood hero and just let 'er fly without a shirt to hold it all in.  Enough about all that business, don't want to distract my dear readers from being able to continue through to the end of this article.

When  I Google White Comanche, this is the synopsis I'm given: "Half-white, half-Comanche twin brothers Johnny Moon (William Shatner) and Notah (also Shatner) have long been estranged, but things are even worse now that Notah is a bloodthirsty outlaw, and people mistake Johnny for him. Addicted to peyote, Notah believes himself destined to lead the Comanche to victory over the whites. Despite Johnny's pleas, his brother plans to destroy Rio Hondo, which is protected by Sheriff Logan (Joseph Cotten). Will Johnny side with the town or his brother?"

Holy balls, this sound pretty great!  Let's get started!

Friday, June 10, 2016

Pot Zombies (2005)

Lloyd Kaufman and his Troma Entertainment arrive to B-Movie Enema.

Troma is not unknown to some pretty crazy movies like the Toxic Avenger series, Tromeo and Juliet, and Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD.  Not long after the turn of the century, Troma did a young filmmakers series.  One of the movies to come out of that series is today's featured movie, Pot Zombies.  And by "One of the movies..." I mean the only movie to come out of this project.

According to High Times Magazine, "Finally, a film that delivers what it promises!"

That seems like some low hanging fruit there, High Times.  Imagine if you will a movie made called Pot Zombies that is full of high society members of Victorian England.  That wouldn't fly in any alternate reality, let alone the real reality.  In all 55 minutes of this so-called movie, I can only expect two things - people smoking pot and zombies.  I won't even expect the green hottie on the cover with the pot leaf tattoos and lack of t-shirt.  If it can't promise at least some pot and zombies...  Then I'm going to be in for a long night.

So here's what Amazon gives us as a breakdown and it's pretty damn great:
"WARNING! Nuclear waste has made it into the weed coming to YOUR town, turning unsuspecting smokers into flesh-craving POT ZOMBIES!

SEE! A hippy eating a cop!
SEE! A Naked Girl eating another Naked Girl!
SEE! Lloyd Kaufman as the mentally challenged pizza dude!
HEAR! A rocking soundtrack featuring DOA, Electric Frankenstein, Honky and LIVE PERFORMANCES from Damage Case and The Dwarves!

POT ZOMBIES: When they get the munchies, YOU get wasted!"

I kinda like the idea of a naked girl eating another naked girl, and Lloyd Kaufman playing a challenged pizza guy, and band names like Electric Frankenstein and Honky.  I guess I should get started on this movie because they don't review themselves!

Friday, June 3, 2016

Xanadu (1980)

A million lights are dancing and there you are...  A shooting turd out of Hollywood's hairy ass.

In 1980, rollerskating and Grease fucked each other, and, thanks to cocaine causing neither to use appropriate protection and the VD captured from the slutty muses Grease would fuck on the side, the resulting monster child that came about was Xanadu.

While this movie is an abomination that needed to be aborted before it was birthed, it creates a bit of a conflict with me.  You see... *sigh* I don't want to admit too much here... I have a real soft spot for this movie.  Maybe even to the point that I kinda like this movie a lot.

Fuck! I revealed too much.  But still...

Why wouldn't I like it?  I freakin' love the music of Electric Light Orchestra who provided half the soundtrack.  Olivia Newton-John was unbelievably hot in this movie and her songs in the movie were really, really good. Lastly, who could hate a super charming Gene Kelly just killing it in every scene he's in?

So what's Amazon got to say about the plot of Xanadu?  "Step into a magical world with superstars Olivia Newton-John (Grease) and Gene Kelly (Singin' in the Rain) as they take you through one of the most extraordinary musicals in the beloved film, Xanadu! A beautiful muse is sent from up above to inspire a struggling artist and help motivate him to open a roller-disco. The dazzling soundtrack includes the hit songs 'Magic', 'I’m Alive', 'All Over the World', 'Suddenly' and the title song 'Xanadu'. Throw on your roller-skates, turn up the volume and enjoy this sparkling out-of-this world fantasy!"

Before I get started with the actual movie, I'd be nervous to say that this movie is a "beloved film".  It certainly is one of the most extraordinary musicals and out-of-this-world, but this is kind of beloved like how bad movies like Plan 9 from Outer Space are beloved.  So... Yeah.  Let's get a move on with this flick!

Friday, May 27, 2016

Ninja Cheerleaders (2008)

I know, this blog is missing a few things:

1. Professionalism
2. Political Correctness
3. Ninjas
4. Pirates
5. Reliable talent at writing
6. More references to when I have a boner over something happening in the movie
7. Cheerleaders

This week I figured I'd try to kill at least two birds with one stone with 2008's Ninja Cheerleaders.  Actually, after reviewing the list of weaknesses for the blog, I'm fairly certain I will kill a third bird.  That's right, I'm going to try to be pretty politically correct about what this movie features.

Let's see what IMDb has to say about this movie in the synopsis:  "Three college cheerleaders (and after-school go-go dancers) use their martial arts skills to save their Sensei from mafia kidnappers, but must keep their extracurricular activities a secret to realize their Ivy League dreams at Brown."

Yes.  More yes.  Absolutely yes.  Fuck yes.  And, yes, you bet your bippy that synopsis has given me a boner.  Hey!  Looky there...  I did kill a third bird.  No need to be politically correct anymore!

Friday, May 20, 2016

Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)

Sweet sexy Christmas!  What's hotter than a bunch of nerdy scientists and doughy middle-aged men getting their rocks off?

Anitra Ford.  That is the only answer this movie will allow.  Because no matter what you were going to say, Anitra Ford kinda trumps everything.

Today I'm going to bring you a cautionary tale of what happens when women get a little too much power.  They fuck you to death.  These little honey bees are literally going to straight suck your life out through your dick penis.

It's a good thing there's an action man around to save the day with a good scientist girl who looks to be just a slight slip of her bobby pins away from letting her hair down and looking super fine...

Okay, I'll admit, I'm kinda padding this opening here.  Frankly, I'm concerned that most of this article is going to be me talking about how hot these girls, and Anitra Ford in particular, are.  It might turn out to be kinda embarrassing for me.  Well, at the very least, it will look as though I'm a real creep.

However, I guess I should just get to it.  This movie comes from one of my 50 movie box sets called Drive In Movie Classics.  From the Disc Seven sleeve, the synopsis reads: "Suspicious deaths in a California community come to the attention of the U.S. Government when one of their top scientists is found dead.  A State Department agent is sent to investigate and learns from the coroner that the all-male victims died from 'sexual exhaustion'.  Working on a lead about the case, the agent teams up with a female government research scientist and they discover a female insect expert is using a process to give women bee-like qualities and send them out to kill men with sex."

Before we really get into the meat of this movie, that description is pretty great.  First, I'm fairly certain "sexual exhaustion" is not a real cause of death.  Like maybe a guy dies of a heart attack during sex, sure, but you call that a "heart attack" not "sexual exhaustion".  Next, that description kinda took away the whole "mystery" of the movie.  I use mystery in quotations like that because, goddammit, this movie was not made to be a mystery.  It was a way to make a titty flick that could be shown in normal theaters.

Alright, let's start this titty...  er, I mean perfectly normal movie!

Friday, May 13, 2016

Blood Tide (1982)

I asked you to vote on a movie for me to watch.  1982's Blood Tide won.  Well, it won in so much as you had better fuckin' believe I was going to cover White Comanche anyway (how could I not with William Shatner playing two roles).  So I decided Blood Tide, also known as Bloodtide, also known as Demon Island, was going to win.

Additionally, I kinda hate those of you who voted for this.

This flick has some recognizable people in it.  James Earl Jones, Jose Ferrer, Mary-Louise Weller (from Animal House), Martin Kove (who is usually a dick in his movies), Deborah Shelton (from Dallas), and Lydia Cornell (from Too Close for Comfort).  So it's kinda bringing some star power to the table.  Maybe more than this blog is accustomed to, but still.  Darth Vader is in this movie as is a guy from Dracula's Dog (Ferrer)!

So what's the movie about?  Well, let me read from the Sci-Fi Classics 50-pack set from Mill Creek Entertainment:  "A legendary sea monster is awakened from centuries of sleep on a Greek island by an American archaeologist (James Earl Jones).  An island elder (Jose Ferrer) is aware of the legend of the beast, including its appetite for virgin sacrifices."

While I'm 100% sure this movie will suck, I'm kinda into what  I'm reading here...  Archaeology, Greek islands, sea monster, virgins, appetites, sacrifice, legends...  I'm game.  Let's get this thing rolling!

Friday, May 6, 2016

Captain America (1979)

You know...  I don't think the skeevy guy with the folding table and all the medallions and the chest hair with the white DVD boxes with "Captain America Good Action Yeah" written in Sharpie on it was telling the truth when I asked him if this was the new Captain America: Civil War movie I've heard so much about lately.

The late 70s really did give it an honest go by trying to adapt comic book heroes in a grown-up way.  On TV, you had Wonder Woman and The Incredible Hulk. On the big screen you had none other than Superman just flat out killin' it.  There were some duds like Isis and Shazam, but the successful stuff kinda outshined the bad.

However, Marvel Comics wasn't quite happy enough with having their big green guy being their only adapted character in live action TV shows.  After all, they had a whole line of successful and note-worthy characters to try out.  They attempted to try a Spider-Man series and pretty much failed big time.  They also attempted Captain America, which is the focus of today's B-Movie Enema.

Just guess how this Captain America show did in terms of success.

Now, I'm a big Captain America fan.  In fact, while I'm writing this, I'm wearing a Captain America shirt and Avengers pajama pants that have Captain America on there several times within the pattern of the pants.  I also have thousands of comic books in my possession and many of them feature good ol' Cap in some way.  Suffice it to say, I know a thing or two about the Star-Spangled Avenger.  But what does the back of the DVD box I have say about this movie?

"When former Marine Steve Rogers is in an accident, his only hope for recovery is an injection of the FLAG superserum - created years ago by his own father - which enhances each of his senses, as well as gives him great strength and fast reflexes.  And to help him bring his attackers to justice, a government agency outfits him with a motorcycle and powerful shield, then turns the newly formed Captain America loose on the nation's enemies.  Stars Reb Brown and Len Birman."

Finally!  A faithful origin story for Captain America!  Wait, what's this?  Oh son of a fuck...  Reb Brown.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (1972)

Today's feature is something of a classic for many zombie movie lovers.  Directed under the name of Benjamin Clark, Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is a truly fun, and utterly insane movie.

I wanted to make mention of the director's name, because the rest of the world will know Mr. Clark better as Bob Clark, director of such classics as Porky's, Black Christmas, and A Christmas Story.  Yes, this guy is not only responsible for this movie, but all your most classic Christmas memories.

But for this movie, for as many horror fans who have not heard of this movie, there are twice as many who have very fond memories of it.  I know it thanks to my brothers who watched it often from recording it off TV on a VHS tape.  So I have many recollections of seeing this on our TV when I was just a tiny tyke.
Hmmm...  I wonder if watching a bunch of R-rated horror movies had any kind of effect on me as a person...

Nope!  None that I can see!

Anyway, let's get to the synopsis, courtesy of IMDb: "Six friends dig up a corpse to use in a Satanic ritual to make the dead rise from their graves."

Pretty simple, huh?  Well, it kinda isn't.  That's what makes this movie kinda bonkers.  But what are we doing sitting around reading me yap about this.  Let's get things started already!

Friday, April 22, 2016

The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966)

Let's take a trip to the beach in this swingin' 60s teenage romp!

Starring Tommy Kirk, Deborah Walley, Nancy Sinatra, with classic horror stars Basil Rathbone and Boris Karloff, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini raises a few questions.  First, I wonder what Karloff and Rathbone's asking prices were.  Second, are we going to see the titular ghost's tits?  Finally, how bad is this movie gonna suck balls?

I mean, is the invisible bikini like...  Is it a ghost too?  Did the girl die and then, in an unrelated accident, the bikini died too?  So the bikini is also a ghost?  Or... or maybe, just maybe, the bikini is made out of a fabric that is invisible too?  Maybe the girl died, like by being murdered by a real bad guy?  And he chopped her up and only kept the bikini top and bottom bits so it's not so much that the bikini itself is invisible, but that the ghost doesn't have those bits because the crazy guy kept those bits of her body?  I mean, if you go cuckoo bananas and chop up a girl, those would be the parts you'd keep right?  Like, the best parts?

But, really, what is this movie about?  According to IMDb - "A corpse has 24 hours to mastermind a good deed without leaving his crypt, to go 'up there' and have his youth restored." 

Oh no...  I saw the word "his" twice in that synopsis.  It's not a guy who is wearing an invisible bikini is it?  I was really looking forward to this being a girl wearing the invisible bikini.  *Sigh*  Well, let's get this thing started...

Friday, April 15, 2016

The Delta Force (1986)

Welcome back to B-Movie Enema.  Your weekly dose of bad movies, and sweet baby Jesus, do we have what will sure be a doozy.  Not only are we jumping back into the Cannon Films library, but we're going to be looking at a Chuck Norris classic.

Not just any Chuck Norris classic, either...  The mother of all Chuck Norris classics - The Delta Force.

In the mid 1980s, we were in a pretty interesting time.  The Cold War was starting to slow down a bit as the USSR had a leader who was no longer seemingly interested in being our enemy.  The Monkees were celebrating their 20th anniversary.  Ronald Reagan was in charge and patriotism seemed to be at an all time high.

This was also the beginning of what I will call the "Muslim Scare".  Terrorism and airplane hijackings were becoming a pretty popular way to threaten the western world.  In our movies, we were seeing the rise of the action stars like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger.  At Cannon, though, they had their own action star in Chuck Norris, and he represented the best of what the USA was all about - bazookas, uzis, beards, kung fu, poor line delivery.

We need to get moving on this movie because, frankly, this movie is 2 hours and 10 minutes, and I'm already antsy to get rolling on it.  So, let's get to the description on the back of the box:  "When a U.S. passenger plane is seized by vicious hijackers and taken to Beirut, the president calls in the Delta Force - a crack team of commandos led by Colonel Nick Alexander (Lee Marvin) and Major Scott McCoy (Chuck Norris).  Against all odds, the men black into the compound and - taking no prisoners - rescue the hostages.  But the mission is not yet over.  A few remaining passengers are being 'escorted' to Tehrain, initiating a desperate race against time as Alexander and McCoy try to save them - and avenge America's honor - before it is too late."

Oh shit!  This sounds brazenly patriotic, doesn't it?  Let's all start the "USA...  USA..." chant!  Nah, we don't have to do that, but we should probably start avenging America's honor by getting started on this movie...