Friday, March 25, 2016

Thirst (1979)

This week's B-Movie Enema is a bit of a change of pace.  First, it's a good movie.  Second, it's an interesting take on an old idea.

From Australia, allow me to present to you Rod Hardy's Thirst...

I should note that the director, Hardy, has gone on to work on some things of note relatively recently.  He's directed episodes of Battlestar Galactica, The X-Files, The Librarians, and Supernatural.  So he's no schlub.  The film also stars a beautiful actress by the name of Chantal Contouri who is a little Greek and a little Australian, and all around alright by me.  While she did have a brief stint on General Hospital in the late 80s, for the most part, she's primarily stayed in Australia and been on many of their TV shows.  Unfortunately, we don't get many of those so I can't give any overview of that in any real sense like the shows that Rod Hardy worked on here in the States.

I first saw a majority of this movie on the Roku channel Bizarre TV one afternoon and was immediately interested by the premise.  I eventually saw it a second time, in its entirety, and got a copy of it on DVD.  Even since then, I've seen it a couple more times.  Basically, Thirst takes the vampire lore of Elizabeth Bathory and adds to it a bit of modern industry/capitalism to go along with how a cult worships the legend.  But enough about what I have to say about it, let's take the synopsis from the back of the DVD box:

"She was innocent, pure and unsuspecting.  Now, Kate Davis has been kidnapped by a bloodthirsty cult and taken to a remote village.  It is there that she discovers her unholy fate! According to the prophecies of the Hyma Brotherhood, she must fulfill her destiny by marrying their leader and helping them quench their eternal thirst for blood."

Let's get started, shall we?

Friday, March 18, 2016

King Solomon's Mines (1985)

Finally!  Cannon Films arrives to an appointment for a B-Movie Enema!  Let us rejoice!

So yes, this blog is all about the little movies.  Those that get forgotten because they weren't as big budget as Star Wars, or as classic as Casablanca, or as divisive among the sexes like Titanic (and, trust me, all the dudes LOVE Titanic).  Then we get the 80s powerhouse studio, Cannon Films, and they kinda blow the lid off of what truly is a B-movie.

They would produce big time action movies like Delta Force, or spend tons of money on a single star like Sylvester Stallone.  They make sci-fi movies with a huge scope like Lifeforce or Masters of the Universe.  Or grand adventures like today's film, King Solomon's Mines.

None of the movies I mentioned above were made on small budgets.  All of them were massively funded.  However, by looking them, you wouldn't know it.  Effects were cheap, the actors weren't very good.  The directors often made upheavals in the script destroying whatever chance the film had to be good.  Schedules were too tight.  The list goes on and on.  This gives Cannon their well-earned reputation as being schlock merchants.

Now, I'm not going to go as far as to say these movies were bad, but they were train wrecks.  One after another, Cannon just pooped these sons of bitches out. Sure, there were some legitimately good ones in there.  I'd say Tobe Hooper is one that really got a lot of stuff done with Cannon that is more than worthy to check out.  I'd also say that Cobra is pretty badass.  Even Charles Bronson had something good to hang his hat on in 10 to Midnight.  But, my god, oh so many Cannon Films were terrible abominations.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Low Blow (1986)

Already the third film featured from Crown International Pictures in just the first eight B-Movie Enemas, 1986's Low Blow delivers some action.

I can only say some action because either this is a horrible failure of an action flick or it's the most brilliant movie ever made to never be seen.  I'll explain during the course of this near pornographic examination of this flick.

We'll get to the synopsis momentarily.  I have to say that Mr. Low Blow here to our left is NOT our action star.  He's not even a supporting character.  He does have a ridiculous arm as if Rob Liefeld (where my comic nerds at, yo?) got hired to totally fuck up the proportions of the man's head to torso to forearm to fist ratio.

Also, "The Deadliest Weapon is Still Your Fist!"?  I'd argue that is only true if the movie made sure to constantly use fists to make people dead instead of just once with all other deaths caused by guns.  Finally, this doesn't exactly take place in a city that has the skyline of New York City or whatever it is.  Pretty much the entire poster is a lie.  Well, except the cast and crew credits and I'm sure it was available on December 10 somewhere once.  Still, this thing is a fucking liar.

Okay, let's give you the IMDB plot summary from an anonymous user: "Leo Fong plays a private investigator who is in search of a  young girl kidnapped by a religious cult.  Destined to save her, he teams up with a Vietnam vet, a pro-boxing champ and a former cop to save her..."

Ooh!  Whenever I get a summary that includes both a form of the word "Destiny" AND an ellipses, I get excited this might be a Star Wars movie.  Unfortunately it is not that.

Friday, March 4, 2016

The Brainiac (1962)

The doctor is back in...  For better or worse.

B-Movie Enema returns with a tale of horror from south of the border!  This little nightmare fever dream of Donald Trump's is called The Brainiac (also known as El Baron del Terror in its native Spanish).

"So what's this all about?" you ask?  Based on the poster you have a pretty cool demon-like dude, a woman who was clearly shocked to be told she is in this movie, and what appears to be a couple guys with some flamethrowers.

Flamethrowers?  That sounds freakin' awesome!  But before we get too excited this might be on the level of a Cannon Films masterpiece (and trust me, we will be getting to some of those before long), I suppose we should check the synopsis, thanks to IMDB (specifically IMDB user Jeremy Lunt):

"In 1661 Mexico, the Baron Vitelius of Astara is sentenced to be burned alive by the Holy Inquisition of Mexico for witchcraft, necromancy, and other crimes.  As he dies, the Baron swears vengeance against the descendants of the Inquisitors.  300 years later, a comet that was passing overhead on the night of the Baron's execution returns to Earth, bringing with it the Baron in the form of a horrible, brain-eating monster that terrorizes the Inquisitor's descendants."

Comets?  Necromancy?  Brain-eating monster?  Other crimes?  Holy shit this sounds fucking awesome!  The hell are we waitin' for?  Let's get to it!
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