Friday, April 29, 2016

Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (1972)

Today's feature is something of a classic for many zombie movie lovers.  Directed under the name of Benjamin Clark, Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things is a truly fun, and utterly insane movie.

I wanted to make mention of the director's name, because the rest of the world will know Mr. Clark better as Bob Clark, director of such classics as Porky's, Black Christmas, and A Christmas Story.  Yes, this guy is not only responsible for this movie, but all your most classic Christmas memories.

But for this movie, for as many horror fans who have not heard of this movie, there are twice as many who have very fond memories of it.  I know it thanks to my brothers who watched it often from recording it off TV on a VHS tape.  So I have many recollections of seeing this on our TV when I was just a tiny tyke.
Hmmm...  I wonder if watching a bunch of R-rated horror movies had any kind of effect on me as a person...

Nope!  None that I can see!

Anyway, let's get to the synopsis, courtesy of IMDb: "Six friends dig up a corpse to use in a Satanic ritual to make the dead rise from their graves."

Pretty simple, huh?  Well, it kinda isn't.  That's what makes this movie kinda bonkers.  But what are we doing sitting around reading me yap about this.  Let's get things started already!

Friday, April 22, 2016

The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966)

Let's take a trip to the beach in this swingin' 60s teenage romp!

Starring Tommy Kirk, Deborah Walley, Nancy Sinatra, with classic horror stars Basil Rathbone and Boris Karloff, The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini raises a few questions.  First, I wonder what Karloff and Rathbone's asking prices were.  Second, are we going to see the titular ghost's tits?  Finally, how bad is this movie gonna suck balls?

I mean, is the invisible bikini like...  Is it a ghost too?  Did the girl die and then, in an unrelated accident, the bikini died too?  So the bikini is also a ghost?  Or... or maybe, just maybe, the bikini is made out of a fabric that is invisible too?  Maybe the girl died, like by being murdered by a real bad guy?  And he chopped her up and only kept the bikini top and bottom bits so it's not so much that the bikini itself is invisible, but that the ghost doesn't have those bits because the crazy guy kept those bits of her body?  I mean, if you go cuckoo bananas and chop up a girl, those would be the parts you'd keep right?  Like, the best parts?

But, really, what is this movie about?  According to IMDb - "A corpse has 24 hours to mastermind a good deed without leaving his crypt, to go 'up there' and have his youth restored." 

Oh no...  I saw the word "his" twice in that synopsis.  It's not a guy who is wearing an invisible bikini is it?  I was really looking forward to this being a girl wearing the invisible bikini.  *Sigh*  Well, let's get this thing started...

Friday, April 15, 2016

The Delta Force (1986)

Welcome back to B-Movie Enema.  Your weekly dose of bad movies, and sweet baby Jesus, do we have what will sure be a doozy.  Not only are we jumping back into the Cannon Films library, but we're going to be looking at a Chuck Norris classic.

Not just any Chuck Norris classic, either...  The mother of all Chuck Norris classics - The Delta Force.

In the mid 1980s, we were in a pretty interesting time.  The Cold War was starting to slow down a bit as the USSR had a leader who was no longer seemingly interested in being our enemy.  The Monkees were celebrating their 20th anniversary.  Ronald Reagan was in charge and patriotism seemed to be at an all time high.

This was also the beginning of what I will call the "Muslim Scare".  Terrorism and airplane hijackings were becoming a pretty popular way to threaten the western world.  In our movies, we were seeing the rise of the action stars like Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger.  At Cannon, though, they had their own action star in Chuck Norris, and he represented the best of what the USA was all about - bazookas, uzis, beards, kung fu, poor line delivery.

We need to get moving on this movie because, frankly, this movie is 2 hours and 10 minutes, and I'm already antsy to get rolling on it.  So, let's get to the description on the back of the box:  "When a U.S. passenger plane is seized by vicious hijackers and taken to Beirut, the president calls in the Delta Force - a crack team of commandos led by Colonel Nick Alexander (Lee Marvin) and Major Scott McCoy (Chuck Norris).  Against all odds, the men black into the compound and - taking no prisoners - rescue the hostages.  But the mission is not yet over.  A few remaining passengers are being 'escorted' to Tehrain, initiating a desperate race against time as Alexander and McCoy try to save them - and avenge America's honor - before it is too late."

Oh shit!  This sounds brazenly patriotic, doesn't it?  Let's all start the "USA...  USA..." chant!  Nah, we don't have to do that, but we should probably start avenging America's honor by getting started on this movie...

Friday, April 8, 2016

Avengers Grimm (2015)

Not long ago, I paid a long overdue visit to the library of Cannon Films by covering the utterly irredeemable crapfest known as King Solomon's Mines.  Now, I am about to make another real bad choice and dive into The Asylum.

Ah yes, the schlock factory, The Asylum.  They make their living off of making movies with titles that seem somewhat familiar to dummies who A) don't know the name of the movie they think they want to see and B) too stupid enough to think the movie they saw a commercial for coming out to the theaters is already on demand or in video stores.  Trust me, there are a ton of these dummies out there. I worked at a video store for years and it never ceased to amaze me how often we were asked for a movie that had not even yet come out in theaters to see if we had any copies of it already.

If it wasn't for The Asylum, the Sci-Fi Channel wouldn't have gone to shit and changed their name to something real dumb.  As an upside, though, this world would be without Sharknado, and that is not a world I'd like to live in.

Anyway, this movie is Avengers Grimm.  I guess it is some sort of cash grab based on the successful Avengers movie franchise, and the television show Grimm...?  That show that I'm not even sure is still on anymore?  OR it might be Brothers Grimm - that movie from a real long time ago with two guys that I'm drawing a blank on who they were that starred in that movie.  Was Matt Damon in it?  I dunno.  It might be playing into the Zenescope Entertainment comics from the Grimm Fairy Tales series that all feature hot ass women doing bad ass things.  I really don't know what they are aping here besides the obvious Avengers part of the title.  This movie is surely gonna blow.  But let's take a look at the quick synopsis from Netflix:

"Snow White and three other fairy-tale princesses enter the real world to thwart the villainous Rumpelstiltskin's scheme to enslave all humanity."

Snow White, huh?  Is this the Kristin Stewart Snow White?  What about these other princesses?  Are they name brand or just generic fairy tale princesses?  Fine, whatever, I'll start breaking down this movie... and my fragile state of existence.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde (1976)

Oh sweet fuckin' Christmas have I got a treat for you this week.

Most wouldn't think this about me (you know, because I'm a pretty pasty white dude and all), but I love, and I mean LOVE, blaxploitation movies.  They are so fucking cool that I dare you to present to me any five cool guys, and I promise you their combined coolness cannot match up to a single one of the blaxploitation flicks of the 70s.  The ones that are so much cooler than anything in this universe, like Shaft, Superfly, or [insert Pam Grier movie here], you are going to have a real hard time presenting the top 100 coolest people in the world and me say that they are collectively cooler than any of the best of the best in blaxploitation.

Anyway, a lot of different films fell into this category. Most were crime movies featuring the main characters either being crooks, pimps, or cops.  But there were horror films too.  The most notable, of course, was Blacula.  As it would turn out, Blacula was also directed by William Crain, who directed this week's feature, Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde.  I think it's pretty safe to say ol' Billy Crain had a pretty good handle of black horror movies.

What drew me to this film originally wasn't so much the blaxploitation part of it.  It wasn't the lineage to Blacula.  Oh, don't get me wrong, this would have been seen anyway, but what made this a must-see for me is the trailer.  In a B-Movie Enema first, I am including the trailer below (NSFW and contains a brief moment of nudity):



I don't think I need to even include the plot summary from the back of my DVD box.  I mean, if you didn't get the gist from the fucking badass rhymes busted by the narrator, just turn back now because you ain't cool, ya dig?