Friday, May 27, 2016

Ninja Cheerleaders (2008)

I know, this blog is missing a few things:

1. Professionalism
2. Political Correctness
3. Ninjas
4. Pirates
5. Reliable talent at writing
6. More references to when I have a boner over something happening in the movie
7. Cheerleaders

This week I figured I'd try to kill at least two birds with one stone with 2008's Ninja Cheerleaders.  Actually, after reviewing the list of weaknesses for the blog, I'm fairly certain I will kill a third bird.  That's right, I'm going to try to be pretty politically correct about what this movie features.

Let's see what IMDb has to say about this movie in the synopsis:  "Three college cheerleaders (and after-school go-go dancers) use their martial arts skills to save their Sensei from mafia kidnappers, but must keep their extracurricular activities a secret to realize their Ivy League dreams at Brown."

Yes.  More yes.  Absolutely yes.  Fuck yes.  And, yes, you bet your bippy that synopsis has given me a boner.  Hey!  Looky there...  I did kill a third bird.  No need to be politically correct anymore!

Friday, May 20, 2016

Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)

Sweet sexy Christmas!  What's hotter than a bunch of nerdy scientists and doughy middle-aged men getting their rocks off?

Anitra Ford.  That is the only answer this movie will allow.  Because no matter what you were going to say, Anitra Ford kinda trumps everything.

Today I'm going to bring you a cautionary tale of what happens when women get a little too much power.  They fuck you to death.  These little honey bees are literally going to straight suck your life out through your dick penis.

It's a good thing there's an action man around to save the day with a good scientist girl who looks to be just a slight slip of her bobby pins away from letting her hair down and looking super fine...

Okay, I'll admit, I'm kinda padding this opening here.  Frankly, I'm concerned that most of this article is going to be me talking about how hot these girls, and Anitra Ford in particular, are.  It might turn out to be kinda embarrassing for me.  Well, at the very least, it will look as though I'm a real creep.

However, I guess I should just get to it.  This movie comes from one of my 50 movie box sets called Drive In Movie Classics.  From the Disc Seven sleeve, the synopsis reads: "Suspicious deaths in a California community come to the attention of the U.S. Government when one of their top scientists is found dead.  A State Department agent is sent to investigate and learns from the coroner that the all-male victims died from 'sexual exhaustion'.  Working on a lead about the case, the agent teams up with a female government research scientist and they discover a female insect expert is using a process to give women bee-like qualities and send them out to kill men with sex."

Before we really get into the meat of this movie, that description is pretty great.  First, I'm fairly certain "sexual exhaustion" is not a real cause of death.  Like maybe a guy dies of a heart attack during sex, sure, but you call that a "heart attack" not "sexual exhaustion".  Next, that description kinda took away the whole "mystery" of the movie.  I use mystery in quotations like that because, goddammit, this movie was not made to be a mystery.  It was a way to make a titty flick that could be shown in normal theaters.

Alright, let's start this titty...  er, I mean perfectly normal movie!

Friday, May 13, 2016

Blood Tide (1982)

I asked you to vote on a movie for me to watch.  1982's Blood Tide won.  Well, it won in so much as you had better fuckin' believe I was going to cover White Comanche anyway (how could I not with William Shatner playing two roles).  So I decided Blood Tide, also known as Bloodtide, also known as Demon Island, was going to win.

Additionally, I kinda hate those of you who voted for this.

This flick has some recognizable people in it.  James Earl Jones, Jose Ferrer, Mary-Louise Weller (from Animal House), Martin Kove (who is usually a dick in his movies), Deborah Shelton (from Dallas), and Lydia Cornell (from Too Close for Comfort).  So it's kinda bringing some star power to the table.  Maybe more than this blog is accustomed to, but still.  Darth Vader is in this movie as is a guy from Dracula's Dog (Ferrer)!

So what's the movie about?  Well, let me read from the Sci-Fi Classics 50-pack set from Mill Creek Entertainment:  "A legendary sea monster is awakened from centuries of sleep on a Greek island by an American archaeologist (James Earl Jones).  An island elder (Jose Ferrer) is aware of the legend of the beast, including its appetite for virgin sacrifices."

While I'm 100% sure this movie will suck, I'm kinda into what  I'm reading here...  Archaeology, Greek islands, sea monster, virgins, appetites, sacrifice, legends...  I'm game.  Let's get this thing rolling!

Friday, May 6, 2016

Captain America (1979)

You know...  I don't think the skeevy guy with the folding table and all the medallions and the chest hair with the white DVD boxes with "Captain America Good Action Yeah" written in Sharpie on it was telling the truth when I asked him if this was the new Captain America: Civil War movie I've heard so much about lately.

The late 70s really did give it an honest go by trying to adapt comic book heroes in a grown-up way.  On TV, you had Wonder Woman and The Incredible Hulk. On the big screen you had none other than Superman just flat out killin' it.  There were some duds like Isis and Shazam, but the successful stuff kinda outshined the bad.

However, Marvel Comics wasn't quite happy enough with having their big green guy being their only adapted character in live action TV shows.  After all, they had a whole line of successful and note-worthy characters to try out.  They attempted to try a Spider-Man series and pretty much failed big time.  They also attempted Captain America, which is the focus of today's B-Movie Enema.

Just guess how this Captain America show did in terms of success.

Now, I'm a big Captain America fan.  In fact, while I'm writing this, I'm wearing a Captain America shirt and Avengers pajama pants that have Captain America on there several times within the pattern of the pants.  I also have thousands of comic books in my possession and many of them feature good ol' Cap in some way.  Suffice it to say, I know a thing or two about the Star-Spangled Avenger.  But what does the back of the DVD box I have say about this movie?

"When former Marine Steve Rogers is in an accident, his only hope for recovery is an injection of the FLAG superserum - created years ago by his own father - which enhances each of his senses, as well as gives him great strength and fast reflexes.  And to help him bring his attackers to justice, a government agency outfits him with a motorcycle and powerful shield, then turns the newly formed Captain America loose on the nation's enemies.  Stars Reb Brown and Len Birman."

Finally!  A faithful origin story for Captain America!  Wait, what's this?  Oh son of a fuck...  Reb Brown.