Additionally, I kinda hate those of you who voted for this.
This flick has some recognizable people in it. James Earl Jones, Jose Ferrer, Mary-Louise Weller (from Animal House), Martin Kove (who is usually a dick in his movies), Deborah Shelton (from Dallas), and Lydia Cornell (from Too Close for Comfort). So it's kinda bringing some star power to the table. Maybe more than this blog is accustomed to, but still. Darth Vader is in this movie as is a guy from Dracula's Dog (Ferrer)!
So what's the movie about? Well, let me read from the Sci-Fi Classics 50-pack set from Mill Creek Entertainment: "A legendary sea monster is awakened from centuries of sleep on a Greek island by an American archaeologist (James Earl Jones). An island elder (Jose Ferrer) is aware of the legend of the beast, including its appetite for virgin sacrifices."
While I'm 100% sure this movie will suck, I'm kinda into what I'm reading here... Archaeology, Greek islands, sea monster, virgins, appetites, sacrifice, legends... I'm game. Let's get this thing rolling!
|Virgin sacrifice, the best kind of sacrifice.|
Jump to the present day where two young lovers (Kove and Weller) arrive on a Greek island and they take a picture of some structures, to which this asshole guy keeps saying looks like the Alamo, like a total asshole would. Some local kids toss a cat at them, because nothing in Greece looks like the fucking Alamo.
They are here looking for Kove's sister (Shelton). They meet with the old guy of the island who gives them some ideas where to find the missing sister. The barkeep of this place where they are talking is named Dionysis, to which the lady makes a comment, like a fucking asshole, that it's so very Greek to have a guy who sells wine have a name that sounds similar to the Greek god of wine and theater, Dionysus. Ferrer just says that of course it's so Greek to have this because they are FUCKING IN GREECE. So far, aside from the kids who threw the cat at the couple, if you are not Greek in this movie, you're an asshole and should just keep your asshole mouths shut, dumb American assholes.
Kove isn't buying the fact that these people don't know anything about his sister being missing. So he eventually finds her, in the presence of James Earl Jones who is a bit jumpy and holds a knife to Kove's throat. With the mystery of the missing sister solved, movie over! Yay!
Oh... Oh no. There's still a whole bunch more to go.
Doesn't matter, because in comes Barbara (Cornell) who is all blonde hair, and skin, and sexy. Apparently, Jones keeps Cornell and Shelton around to help him with his archaeology. I'm guessing these two can't be sacrificed as virgins because... Well... Jones' voice is pretty smooth. So what we basically can read between the lines in this scene is Shelton has gone a little crazy. Something about something she's been studying on the island has pushed her at little over the edge or something. This doesn't seem to bother Jones or Cornell all that much - since Cornell does joke about calling her "Mad Madeline". Naturally, though, Kove is a bit concerned about his sister. At least he can go back to his shitty hotel room and get plugged so he doesn't get virgin sacrificed.
Late that night, Jones goes scuba diving which makes him breathe like Darth Vader before he dives in. No shit, this movie drops a Star Wars reference for James Earl Jones. Anyway, he has found a cavern that he can access by going underwater. While in the cavern, he looks over a container of a bunch of these old coins used in the ancient sacrifices. We also see he plans to use some C-4 on a walled up entrance to what appears to be a temple. While he is down there in that cavern preparing to blow stuff up and reciting Othello, Cornell is just chilling on his boat reading a magazine, and Shelton is watching them on the cliff. The explosion from opening up that walled up entrance to the temple causes the whole island to shake.
At this point, I'd like to say a sea monster comes jumping out of the open wall and starts terrorizing Greece like Godzilla would Tokyo. Sadly, that isn't what happens. All that comes out is some fog and some growling. I have a feeling we have to wait a real long time to see the monster. However, Shelton has a dream about the monster and the cave painting did clearly show it has a hard shlong - clearly used on the virgins he wants sacrificed to him. So I have a feeling there might be a girl getting dicked by a monster in this movie!
|Guess she liked her birthday present.|
On the way back, the boat runs into something in the water. Jones discovers whatever they hit caused a propeller to crack. He doesn't say what happened, but he has black goo on his hands. When they get back to dock, they learn a girl has gone missing after going swimming in the morning. They forbid anyone from sailing out. Shelton goes to a convent to meet with Sister Anna. They discuss some paintings that seem to be layered on top of another that display different versions of good fighting evil. I didn't quite understand it but I guess it warns of some evil, probably a sea monster that's probably named Bloodtide with a giant throbbing monster dick, that is coming.
But never mind that religious shit, let's cut to Lydia Cornell doing some yoga on the beach to some bitchin' 80s music. Let's not forget to have her take off her top to go swimming too. Sadly, Bloodtide comes along and kills her proving Bloodtide is good to go on any woman regardless of the state of her hymen.
|Come sail away with me.|
In his rage, Jones goes to the cavern he blew the whole open to the temple, that he didn't investigate further like a good archaeologist would, and freed Bloodtide. This time he comes with a spear gun and probably loaded on booze. In the boat, Kove is kinda thinking about jumping in behind him to see where he could possibly be what he's up to down there. Despite Weller's protests, Kove jumps in because, presumably, he's the man and he does what he wants no matter what some dumb broad tells him. Kove finds the cavern, and Jones holds the spear gun to his face and bitches him out for being a spoiled kid and his sister being a weirdo (ahem... um... Mr. Vader, sir... You punch watermelons open,,, That kinda makes you a super weirdo too.).
On the boat, Jones sees some kids playing on one of the cliffs. One of the boys paints something on a girl's forehead. He watches as the girl falls off the cliff and into the water. The girl's mother goes into the water after the little girl, and before Jones can save them both, the mother is eaten by Bloodtide. Jones dips back underwater to see what ate the woman, and we finally get a shot of our monster...
|Well.. Fuck. That was disappointing. Bring back the cartoon dick monster.|
That night, some villagers parade through with a young girl and start to act out the sacrificial customs from the early part of the movie. Now, this girl is considerably younger than the girl at the beginning of the movie so it's kind of less settling if you catch my drift. Anyway, Ferrer explains to Jones that they are acting this ceremony out to placate the evil that Jones awoke.
Meanwhile, we see through Bloodtide's P.O.V. that he's walking through the little town. That's when, after we get some shots of stuff happening inside the convent where Shelton is currently at, we can put two and two together that Bloodtide is headed there. Why? Because nuns are virgins. This made me chuckle way more than it should have picturing Bloodtide engorging himself on nuns.
I should say that is not exactly the case though, but dammit if it wouldn't be hilarious if it was the end goal. In actuality, it is tracking Shelton because she is the one who is destined to sacrifice herself to Bloodtide to A) find fulfillment and B) satiate Bloodtide so he won't bother them anymore. While the little ceremony happens, Sister Anna comes stumbling in covered in blood and tattered clothing. Kove realizes Bloodtide came to the convent and he needs to go save his sister. He, Weller, and Jones go to the convent where they find a bunch of dead nuns and see the painting of the dick demon and the virgin. Jones says that Shelton is going to go and give up herself to Bloodtide.
|"Um... Am I about to get a bunch of Captain America|
jammed down my throat?"
By the way, this happens between brother and sister proving that you really shouldn't spend too much time in Greece:
|What's Greek for "ew"?|
The movie is actually well acted, for what material they were given. Kove, best known as the dickhead sensei of Cobra Kai is not totally unlikable as the protective big brother. Neither is James Earl Jones though he's not to really be well liked. The trio of beauties in this movie are definitely worth gazing at, and thank god for the costume designer putting zero money in the budget toward bras. There's THO all over the place in this movie and for that, I salute you, sir or madame.
It's not boring, but it's not memorable beyond the idea that the monster wants to have sex with virgins and Deborah Shelton writhes around on a rock for a few minutes. I'd say this gets a hard pass from me for most people who are curious about it.