Friday, May 20, 2016

Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)

Sweet sexy Christmas!  What's hotter than a bunch of nerdy scientists and doughy middle-aged men getting their rocks off?

Anitra Ford.  That is the only answer this movie will allow.  Because no matter what you were going to say, Anitra Ford kinda trumps everything.

Today I'm going to bring you a cautionary tale of what happens when women get a little too much power.  They fuck you to death.  These little honey bees are literally going to straight suck your life out through your dick penis.

It's a good thing there's an action man around to save the day with a good scientist girl who looks to be just a slight slip of her bobby pins away from letting her hair down and looking super fine...

Okay, I'll admit, I'm kinda padding this opening here.  Frankly, I'm concerned that most of this article is going to be me talking about how hot these girls, and Anitra Ford in particular, are.  It might turn out to be kinda embarrassing for me.  Well, at the very least, it will look as though I'm a real creep.

However, I guess I should just get to it.  This movie comes from one of my 50 movie box sets called Drive In Movie Classics.  From the Disc Seven sleeve, the synopsis reads: "Suspicious deaths in a California community come to the attention of the U.S. Government when one of their top scientists is found dead.  A State Department agent is sent to investigate and learns from the coroner that the all-male victims died from 'sexual exhaustion'.  Working on a lead about the case, the agent teams up with a female government research scientist and they discover a female insect expert is using a process to give women bee-like qualities and send them out to kill men with sex."

Before we really get into the meat of this movie, that description is pretty great.  First, I'm fairly certain "sexual exhaustion" is not a real cause of death.  Like maybe a guy dies of a heart attack during sex, sure, but you call that a "heart attack" not "sexual exhaustion".  Next, that description kinda took away the whole "mystery" of the movie.  I use mystery in quotations like that because, goddammit, this movie was not made to be a mystery.  It was a way to make a titty flick that could be shown in normal theaters.

Alright, let's start this titty...  er, I mean perfectly normal movie!
At a gross roadside motel, a maid finds a dead guy in one of the rooms.  His ID, under the bed reveals he was a government scientist.  The small town's sheriff, Captain Peters is investigating and learns that the scientist, Dr. Grubowski, died while bonin' some broad.  While they investigate that, another body turns up.  Meanwhile, Agent Neil Agar flies in from Washington, D.C.  He meets with Peters and takes an immediate interest in the Grubowski case.

Also, holy fuck, this movie was written by Nicholas Meyer!  The guy who directed Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, the greatest movie ever made!

Alright, so, Agar runs into a mousy scientist lady named Julie Zorn.  She's the girl I said near the beginning that looks like her hair is just one faulty bobby pin away from really sexin' up the joint with her looks.  Well, that and she needs to lose the giant glasses and turtleneck.  Come to think of it, maybe if she just lost the turtleneck, the jacket, and whatever else she's wearing, maybe she can keep her hair up and those silly glasses on.

Dammit, I'm getting distracted with the promise of women who can fuck men to death.

Agar asks for some files on Grubowski from Zorn.  He starts to dig about her personal stuff, and mentions that he knows she was the last one to see Grubowski alive.  So she jokes about how they went to dinner, then back to the motel and they "balled and balled and balled" until he dropped dead.  I guess older guys probably shouldn't be playing basketball too much because when you ball too hard like that, you will probably drop dead.  So as she says this they zoom in on her face as she takes off her glasses...  Uh oh...  Gettin' sexy there, Julie.  Better dial it back because you're a nerd and clearly repressed.

Agar and Zorn go to lunch.  Meanwhile, a guy on a motorcycle and his lady ride out to a field where they get naked and get it on in the grass.  Bees start to be heard as if they are buzzing all around, and moments later, the guy is dead and the totally nude chick (except for her go-go boots) casually walks away.  At lunch, Zorn tells Agar about the playboy club that the scientists have going on while we're shown the biggest dump truck collection of gross men who I never want to picture having orgies.  I guess they wife swap and fuck around on their spouses, and just generally prove to be disgusting men.  Julie just says that scientists are no different than normal people, just more inventive.  I don't know what the fuck she means by that, but gross.  At least we see our first glimpse of Anitra Ford's character (Dr. Susan Harris) wearing pretty much only a short lab coat.

Two of the swingin' scientists who get more pussy than your
intrepid writer.  Fucking assholes.
In another area of town, a young couple go into a dark room where they are about to do it when suddenly another body is found.  Back at the lab, some of Grubowski's colleagues are toasting their departed friend.  Some bald gross-o talks about how he wants to meet the girl who did Grubs in so he could experience the same thing.  He even talks about how he wants to die while having sexy and jokes about "coming and going" at the same time...  Fucking gross, man!  You're a goddamn Government research scientist you bald, walking herpes factory fuck!

Grubowski's wife gets a call from a mysterious woman.  The lady says she must meet with the wife, and she was the last person to see Grubs alive and it's very important to meet for his good name.  None of this seems off, right?

Agar meets with the scientist pals about their relationship with Grubowski.  Agar sees Dr. Harris coming into the bar looking just as hot as possible.  The guys who apparently are real ladies men, say that she is a real iceberg and about all he's going to get is an eyeful.  You can't see this, but I'm standing and applauding Anitra Ford's character for spurning these fuckholes' advances.  She's a classy woman, goddammit.

So after another dead male shows up, a town hall meeting is called where the town is told about how the men have died.  This is met with some chuckles and laughter about how these dudes were all killed while bonin' some broads.  When the authorities ask for the town to stop screwin' each other, a fatass hick stands up and yells at them saying that he's not going to stop screwing his wife or any *shudder* other woman just because the scientists probably fucked up something and created some sort of epidemic.  Later, the fatass is talking to some cronies at the bar because he's some head of a union in town and he's not going to stop fuckin' ladies, goddammit!  Not because some nerd says he can't!  Guess what?  Grubowski's widow who is now all kinds of fucking hot, fucks him to death.

Agar and Julie are now starting to really hit it off as they drive home together from the town hall meeting and make out in the car.  Nearby, the guy who preached the abstinence is, unsurprisingly, run down and run over by some of the dipshit hillbillies in town.  When I'm told I can't have sex, I kill too, so I get it.  While Peters talk to Agar and Julie about how there are now 10 deaths, a group of scumbags catcall at Julie.  Once everyone starts to disperse, Agar goes to make a call, and the scumbags attempt to rape Julie.  Goddamn...  Tell a town they can't fuck, and they go utterly bonkers!

"That's right, I brought my own slap base theme
song."
In a way, I guess you could say that, despite the viciousness of this attempted rape scene, and the escalation of the town's violence in the wake of these deaths, the movie is kinda showing that guys are beasts?  And women are truly desirable creatures?  And women are naturally more seductive?  Nah, it's just all put together for Agar to do some cool action guy stuff to some bitchin' 70s slap bass cop show music.

Once the excitement ends, Agar is looking around one of the dead guy's homes (maybe the fat fuck who got mad about being told he can't have sex whenever he wants? I'm kinda fuzzy on this because frankly, I just am waiting for the next scene that contains nudity).  Anyway, he finds a secret sex room in the place and some indication that whoever had this place is gay.  He's then attacked by the gay lover who is questioned by Agar about his whereabouts and what have you.  This lover is asked if the guy Agar's been talking to could make it with a woman, and the guy says no way...  But we know he did because he died with a massive boner!

The guy who looks like the head of the KGB in the James Bond movies that earlier was one of the gross scientists who talks about plowing women is approached by Dr. Harris.  She accepts an offer for dinner.  Baldy gets all spruced up for the dinner while Agar asks questions. The scientist gets a call from his wife and does that "I got a lot of work to do tonight so I won't be home for a while" so he can go out and plow Dr. Harris.

Julie and Agar watch a filmstrip about insect mating behavior.  Mind you, Agar only wants to watch this because Peters made an off-handed comment about everyone dropping like flies.  That small comment leads our heroes down a path that ultimately helps them solve the murders.  While they watch this filmstrip, we get to see baldy get seduced by an amazingly hot woman, forcing us to hate this scumbag even more.  I want to make a joke here about how he's got a bald head and a hairy chest and I only have one of those things and I can't score with a woman even if I had a fistful of hundred dollar bills in the most accepting brothel in the world, but that would be too depressing and embarrassing to reveal to you.


Susan kills baldy and I suddenly find myself loving her even more than the superficial part of her simply being played by Anitra Ford.  I mean we get to see lots of her in this scene too, and that's just spectacular.

After Susan takes out Dr. Gross-o, she calls his wife and pulls that whole "I know your husband and we need to meet" act.  Agar goes to meet Susan and is, at first, sent away, but he claims what he has to say is important.  She dodges a lot of questions and claims she's in the middle of a very important experiment.  He learns that queen bees only mates once to reproduce and then never again.  Susan goes back to her experiment and here's where we get to the real science of this movie.  And by science, I mean we get to look at a bunch of titties.

In the main lab, Gross-o's wife is being held by other women in big sunglasses and lab coats like how Susan is typically seen.  Susan plucks the woman's temple which puts her into some sort of trance.  The other girls undress her and start do some shit to her with some science shit.  This seemingly turns on the lady and some of the others standing around too.  They cover her with some paste stuff.  This ultimately leads to a lot of touching of boobies by the other women and is pretty awesome all around.  I mean they are really getting in there to cover up those tits on this woman.  So once she's covered, they do some more science stuff and bees cover her.  When they are done, they women peel off the goop they sensually applied to her and she looks super duper hot instead of some frumpy housewife.  It's really an amazing makeover.  If they could only find a way to sell this to the masses, it would be pretty great!  Well, except for that whole killing men with their lady parts thing.  After the lady is fully turned into a bee girl, Susan kisses the woman, and all the other girls drop their clothes and start rubbing themselves.  It's like a celebration!  (of awesome)

We learn that the army has quarantined the town to not let anyone in or out.  However, it basically consists of a few army guys and a line of cars with people sitting on top of them waiting for these few guys to move out of the way so they can go into the town.

Peters goes to tell baldy's wife that her husband is dead.  She tries to put the moves on Peters, but he resists her charms.  It's fairly unclear if the girls do something to something the guys eat or if there's a pheromone or something that lures them in, but Peters doesn't fall for it.  Mainly, I think this is a town of incredibly kinky people and men who are simply horny as fuck so when a woman shows some interest, everyone is instantly down to fuck.

Agar explains what he's found to baldy's scientist buddies.  He says it's a bit of a wild theory but if they can help him they may be able to prove it.  Basically, they're talking about transforming these women into bees.  One of the scientists agrees to help to put something together for the State Department.  Before all that, there is a funeral for Grubowski.  A sexy funeral...  Agar notices how all the women look and he seems to be getting even closer to figuring it all out.  Julie uses a Gamma radiation detector and realizes that their theory is right.

The Gamma detector makes the bee girls uncomfortable.  So they know they need to go get Julie now!  First, one of the scientist's wives has to kill him.  She begins seducing him, but when he realizes something is off about her (mainly that she has black bee eyes), he just straight chokes her to death.  Susan, wearing a see through shirt, comes to see Julie and wants to show her something super neat.  Now, I'm kinda sure Julie knows something's not right with Susan, but she still goes to see what this super neat thing she needs to see is.  What turns out to be a surprise to no one, it's a trap.  Susan starts to try turning Julie into a bee girl too, but Agar gets there just in time to fuck everything up and with a fire that started and him locking the bee girls all in the lab, they all die.

Julie recovers fully and she and Agar live happily every after.  I guess.  However, this movie actually has the balls to use that beginning of the suite that 2001: A Space Odyssey uses as the music for the end credits as if to say, "Hey look at us!  This is an important movie!"  Spoiler alert!  It is not an important movie.

Even if my boner says differently.
See through shirts, you're the tits!

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