Friday, June 24, 2016

Black Samurai (1977)

Time to switch gears from White Comanche and green Pot Zombies.  Frankly, after the last couple weeks, I think I've earned this one.

Remember a couple months ago when I said I loved me some Blaxploitation?  It's time to revisit it, but let's throw a little international flair into this action flick.  It's time to kung fu kick you in the face with Jim Kelly as the Black Samurai, bitches!

There are a few stereotypes that are pretty consistent.  Blaxploitation flicks are cool as shit, and black people are pretty into kung fu movies.  So why not combine the two?  In the 70s, kung fu flicks were hugely popular thanks to the likes of Bruce Lee.  Lee's moves were rhythmic to the point that it registered with the black community - and he even featured co-stars like Jim Kelly and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.  There's a great love for these films.  If you don't believe me, check out this entry from the blog "Stuff Black People Dig" to read a short blurb about Lee's importance.  So it's only natural that kung fu would be a part of Blaxploitation movies.  Even Black Dynamite had a black belt.

I'm sure there's a lot articles about the cultural reasons why this is true for black movie audiences in the 70s, but I'm kinda too lazy to really look it up.  You have Google, do it yourself because I want to watch this movie so I can tell you all about it.

What's the plot of Black Samurai, you ask?  Well, according to IMDb: "Robert Sand, agent of D.R.A.G.O.N., Defense Reserve Agency Guardian Of Nations, is playing tennis on his vacation with a beautiful black girl, when his commanding officers ask him to save a Chinese girl named Toki who happens to be Sand's girlfriend, and the daughter of a top Eastern Ambassador. The ransom for the abduction was the secret for a terrific new weapon - the freeze bomb - but the 'Warlock' behind the deed is also into the business of drug dealing and Voodoo ritual murders. The search takes him from Hong Kong to California through Miami, and plenty of action, against bad men, bad girl, and bad animals."

Holy shit...  Voodoo, bad animals, freeze bombs, warlocks.  I think this will be time well spent, my friends.

Friday, June 17, 2016

White Comanche (1968)

It was only a matter of time before B-Movie Enema was graced by this movie.  White Comanche is listed by John Wilson, who founded the Golden Raspberry Awards (or Razzies as they are known by most) as one of the most enjoyably bad movies ever.

If you ask me, that all sounds awesome.  But wanna know what's better?  It not only has Williams Shatner playing a high plains drifter type, but he also playing a second role as a leader of a Comanche tribe.  That's right!  Double Shatner comin' at yo' face!

On top of all that, look out ladies because Comanche Shatner is pretty much tits out for the whole movie.  No matter how much his gut expanded during this era, he just couldn't get enough of showing that chest.  You know what?  Good for him.  My gut is ever expanding as well, so I'm gonna follow the lead of my childhood hero and just let 'er fly without a shirt to hold it all in.  Enough about all that business, don't want to distract my dear readers from being able to continue through to the end of this article.

When  I Google White Comanche, this is the synopsis I'm given: "Half-white, half-Comanche twin brothers Johnny Moon (William Shatner) and Notah (also Shatner) have long been estranged, but things are even worse now that Notah is a bloodthirsty outlaw, and people mistake Johnny for him. Addicted to peyote, Notah believes himself destined to lead the Comanche to victory over the whites. Despite Johnny's pleas, his brother plans to destroy Rio Hondo, which is protected by Sheriff Logan (Joseph Cotten). Will Johnny side with the town or his brother?"

Holy balls, this sound pretty great!  Let's get started!

Friday, June 10, 2016

Pot Zombies (2005)

Lloyd Kaufman and his Troma Entertainment arrive to B-Movie Enema.

Troma is not unknown to some pretty crazy movies like the Toxic Avenger series, Tromeo and Juliet, and Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD.  Not long after the turn of the century, Troma did a young filmmakers series.  One of the movies to come out of that series is today's featured movie, Pot Zombies.  And by "One of the movies..." I mean the only movie to come out of this project.

According to High Times Magazine, "Finally, a film that delivers what it promises!"

That seems like some low hanging fruit there, High Times.  Imagine if you will a movie made called Pot Zombies that is full of high society members of Victorian England.  That wouldn't fly in any alternate reality, let alone the real reality.  In all 55 minutes of this so-called movie, I can only expect two things - people smoking pot and zombies.  I won't even expect the green hottie on the cover with the pot leaf tattoos and lack of t-shirt.  If it can't promise at least some pot and zombies...  Then I'm going to be in for a long night.

So here's what Amazon gives us as a breakdown and it's pretty damn great:
"WARNING! Nuclear waste has made it into the weed coming to YOUR town, turning unsuspecting smokers into flesh-craving POT ZOMBIES!

SEE! A hippy eating a cop!
SEE! A Naked Girl eating another Naked Girl!
SEE! Lloyd Kaufman as the mentally challenged pizza dude!
HEAR! A rocking soundtrack featuring DOA, Electric Frankenstein, Honky and LIVE PERFORMANCES from Damage Case and The Dwarves!

POT ZOMBIES: When they get the munchies, YOU get wasted!"

I kinda like the idea of a naked girl eating another naked girl, and Lloyd Kaufman playing a challenged pizza guy, and band names like Electric Frankenstein and Honky.  I guess I should get started on this movie because they don't review themselves!

Friday, June 3, 2016

Xanadu (1980)

A million lights are dancing and there you are...  A shooting turd out of Hollywood's hairy ass.

In 1980, rollerskating and Grease fucked each other, and, thanks to cocaine causing neither to use appropriate protection and the VD captured from the slutty muses Grease would fuck on the side, the resulting monster child that came about was Xanadu.

While this movie is an abomination that needed to be aborted before it was birthed, it creates a bit of a conflict with me.  You see... *sigh* I don't want to admit too much here... I have a real soft spot for this movie.  Maybe even to the point that I kinda like this movie a lot.

Fuck! I revealed too much.  But still...

Why wouldn't I like it?  I freakin' love the music of Electric Light Orchestra who provided half the soundtrack.  Olivia Newton-John was unbelievably hot in this movie and her songs in the movie were really, really good. Lastly, who could hate a super charming Gene Kelly just killing it in every scene he's in?

So what's Amazon got to say about the plot of Xanadu?  "Step into a magical world with superstars Olivia Newton-John (Grease) and Gene Kelly (Singin' in the Rain) as they take you through one of the most extraordinary musicals in the beloved film, Xanadu! A beautiful muse is sent from up above to inspire a struggling artist and help motivate him to open a roller-disco. The dazzling soundtrack includes the hit songs 'Magic', 'I’m Alive', 'All Over the World', 'Suddenly' and the title song 'Xanadu'. Throw on your roller-skates, turn up the volume and enjoy this sparkling out-of-this world fantasy!"

Before I get started with the actual movie, I'd be nervous to say that this movie is a "beloved film".  It certainly is one of the most extraordinary musicals and out-of-this-world, but this is kind of beloved like how bad movies like Plan 9 from Outer Space are beloved.  So... Yeah.  Let's get a move on with this flick!