Friday, July 29, 2016

Malibu Express (1985)

It's time to dive into some Andy Sidaris.  And by "dive into some Andy Sidaris", I pretty much mean to motorboat the shit out of its tits.

What can I say about Andy Sidaris and his movies?  Well, they usually feature stacked blondes.  They are, in some sort of way, connected in a shared universe.  Malibu Express kicks off the "L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies" series that would continue for 11 more movies.  Each of these movies, except for this one, would see at least one recurring character come along to help out the crew of government lady agents.

Also, most of the movies take place in Hawaii where you have even more excuse for totally big-boobed women to wear bikinis or tiny clothes.

You see where I'm going here, right?  This is going to be one of those movies that I probably use the word "tits", or some variation of that idea, a whole bunch of times.  A whole bunch.

Just a ton.

So what's this movie about?  From the back of the box of my 12 film, Andy Sidaris set, Girls, Guns, and G-Strings: "What appeared to be a simple murder case for private investigator Cody Abilene becomes a complicated matter when you have to factor in all the beautiful women, including the widow, who are potential suspects."

I have just one word to sum up this: Nice.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Brainscan (1994)

Remember Edward Furlong?  Yeah, the good John Connor.  He's in this movie.  So is Skeletor, Frank Langella.  Today, we're going to look at 1994's Brainscan!

Oh, and it also looks like Daniel Craig also plays a scary guy with a stretched out face!

In the 90s, technology was flooding our everyday lives.  Computers with the interwebs and the lightning fast 14:4 modems that delivered to us super high contrast colored websites and flying toasters.  It was only fair to assume it was going to filter into our movies.  Once in the movies, naturally, it was time for it to take over horror, sci-fi, and horscirorfi.

Movies like The Lawnmower Man, and Johnny Mnemonic, and Strange Days...  Wait, Strange Days was one of those movies, right?  What about Tek War?  That was one too, yeah?  Hackers!  That was one!

Oh whatever.  My point is there were all sorts of movies like this that tried to infuse ideas from that brand new scary thing that was happening to all of us - we were playing more video games and getting connected through Alta Vista sites and doing some virtual reality shit.  It was neat, and fascinating, and scary as shit!  Hollywood took advantage of this and churned this stuff out.

But what, exactly, is Brainscan about?  According to the back of the box: "Horror films and computer games fascinate teenager Michael (Edward Furlong), and a CD-ROM that portrays murder from the killer's point of view combines these interests.  The first time Michael plays it, he kills a stranger and cuts off a foot, thinking the events take place in virtual reality.  But the next day Michael finds a foot in his refrigerator, and cyber-ghoul Trickster (T. Ryder Smith) emerges from the program and forces him to keep playing -- and to continue committing violent crimes."

That's a fairly solid premise.  This might just work out well for me.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Drainiac (2000)

Today, we talk about another find thanks to the Roku channel Bizarre TV.

From director Brett Piper, whose website says he's been "makin' movies since the early 80s"  (literally, it says "makin'"), comes a little film called Drainiac.  What is kinda nice about this movie, and some other things that Piper's website talks about, is that this does seem to capture a feel of a bygone age of B-Movies.  In some ways, I suppose it does have some of the feel of the drive-in horror movies that were around before my time and in my youth of the early 80s.  In other ways, it resembles that "regional" film making appeal that was used often in the 70s - this would have been when small, independent movies, usually starring no one of consequence, would get made in a state or region of the country for the sole purpose of only ever playing in the local theaters or drive-ins.

(As a side note, Piper is the director of one of the movies I would love to get a copy of - They Bite about a fish monster plaguing a porno movie set.)

Sometimes it's a bit of a blessing to find these little movies like this that has more elbow grease and care given to it than a budget to provide spectacular CGI effects or slick production value.  Sometimes it's not so fun either.  However, I will digress and refer to the back of my DVD box to give you a synopsis of Drainiac:

"When Julie Ashbrook helps her father fix up a helplessly run-down house, she is clearly unaware of the horrors that are about to follow.  As her father leaves for other business in town, she is plagued by bizarre phenomena.  She calls up three of her friends to keep her company in the odd run-down house.  Supernatural occurrences begin to haunt the friends and the situation becomes even more haunting when Julie's father returns from town, only to be killed by a mysterious explosion in his car.  Fearing for their lives and unsure what to do next, the friends are joined by Mr. Plummer.  He explains to them that the occurrences are due to a demonic haunting that he will try to exorcise."

Let's get this movie going and swim through the muck of Drainiac!

Friday, July 8, 2016

Bride of the Gorilla (1951)

Is there anything better than a man in a monkey suit?

Well, probably, but in an old movie, well...  Yeah, I guess there are still things better than a man in a monkey suit.  However!  It's still pretty great.  As is Lon Chaney, Jr. who was the Wolf Man.  Not to mention this also stars Raymond Burr who not once, but twice faced Godzilla and lived to tell the tale.  He was also Perry Mason.  I love me some Perry Mason.

Top billed, though, is Barbara Payton.  She has a story all her own about being drop dead gorgeous, who could make it in movies with her looks, but also had little real talent.  She died only about 15 years after the release of this movie after her life spiraled out of control and into booze, a horrifically violent relationship, and even prostitution.  She did write a tell-all book about her sorrowful life called I Am Not Ashamed.

This is not to be confused with the Christploitation movie I'm Not Ashamed coming out later this year.  My guess is her life would not have jived much with the messages of those Pure Flix produced movies.

So what's this movie all about?  According to Disc Three of my Sci-Fi Classics set from Mill Creek Entertainment: "Ramond Burr stars as Barney Chavez, a plantation manager working deep in the South American jungle. Barney has a yen for the beautiful wife of his employer, and decides to murder the old man to have her for himself. Unfortunately for Barney, a native sorcerer witnesses the crime, and puts a curse on him that transforms him by night into a murderous gorilla."

I know it is too much to ask that Raymond Burr is in the gorilla suit himself, but, I'm just going to assume he is because that would be awesome.  He had to work his way up to Perry Mason, so for a movie that was this low of budget and this silly, he HAD to be in that suit, right?  Oh well, let's talk about Bride of the Gorilla!

Friday, July 1, 2016

Ice Cream Man (1995)

Have you got the summertime blues?  Has the heat gotten to you?  Well, I'm here with a big bowl of ice cream served up from none other than Clint Howard.

The 90s saw a slew of direct-to-video horrors that seem to feature a lot of gross shit on the cover.  I mean look at that ice cream cone Clint Howard is holding on the cover of that VHS box.  That's some seriously gross shit.  It also featured lots of...  how do I say this nicely...  odd... looking... actors.  Clint Howard, a man born for b-movies, Larry Drake, who very convincingly played a mentally handicapped man on TV, Warwick Davis as a Leprechaun, but not that he's weird looking per ce, but he's a little person, and, in the 90s, that was all it took...

The point is a video store in the 90s was full of strange looking people in horror movies.

This one definitely leaves an impression on me.  That box cover was enough for me to kinda wanna pass on it for the sake of my lunch.  Also, back when I worked at a video store in the 90s, I still had room to watch "good" movies.  It wasn't until later that my lifetime good movie quota was filled, my jaded cynicism kicked in, and I decided to torture myself to watch bad movies (or at least b-movies).  Still, I contend, it's either this or I become a cutter.

The jury is still out on whether I made the right decision or not.

According to IMDb, the synopsis of Ice Cream Man is as follows: "Poor Gregory. After being released from the Wishing Well Sanatorium, all he wants to do is make the children happy. So Gregory reopens the old ice cream factory, and all the unappreciative brats are reprocessed into the flavor of the day."

I'm kinda on board here with Gregory's plan.  If those brats aren't appreciative of some ice cream, then kill 'em!

Actually, I was just advised by my lawyers to not advocate the murder of children no matter how unappreciative they are.  I am also advised against giving children candy.  Or ice cream.  Or generally speaking to them.