Friday, July 29, 2016

Malibu Express (1985)

It's time to dive into some Andy Sidaris.  And by "dive into some Andy Sidaris", I pretty much mean to motorboat the shit out of its tits.

What can I say about Andy Sidaris and his movies?  Well, they usually feature stacked blondes.  They are, in some sort of way, connected in a shared universe.  Malibu Express kicks off the "L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies" series that would continue for 11 more movies.  Each of these movies, except for this one, would see at least one recurring character come along to help out the crew of government lady agents.

Also, most of the movies take place in Hawaii where you have even more excuse for totally big-boobed women to wear bikinis or tiny clothes.

You see where I'm going here, right?  This is going to be one of those movies that I probably use the word "tits", or some variation of that idea, a whole bunch of times.  A whole bunch.

Just a ton.

So what's this movie about?  From the back of the box of my 12 film, Andy Sidaris set, Girls, Guns, and G-Strings: "What appeared to be a simple murder case for private investigator Cody Abilene becomes a complicated matter when you have to factor in all the beautiful women, including the widow, who are potential suspects."

I have just one word to sum up this: Nice.


Left - Exciting credits.  Right - Lady never seen again in film.
First thing we have to survive in this movie is the opening credits.  Whoo boy what an exciting opening credit sequence we have.  A lady, who looks like she was the February 1971 Playmate of the Month, sits down at a super old computer (which would have been an amazing piece of machinery in 1985), licks her lips, then types out the credits in a font that is so old now, it doesn't exist anymore.  Oh and she has scary long fingernails so there's no way she is comfortably typing on those old keyboards.  While I'm excited that there is a section of the credits specifically dedicated to Playboy Playmates appearing in the movie, this is not exactly what I'd expect to see or the crazy mouth harp country music when I see a James Bond style poster as seen above.  Just sayin'.

This leads us to meeting our hero, Cody, who must be a cool guy because he drives what appears to be a red Delorean.  He meets a guy to practice shooting, and he can't hit shit with a toilet.  I think we have a recurring joke warning!  I bet he sucks at shooting for the whole movie!  Oh, he also has a ridiculous mustache.  Like he wants to be Magnum, P.I., but he's no Magnum, P.I.

However, as the next scene would indicate, he's not so bad at getting to see lots of boobs.  He goes to watch a race car driver and get some pics taken of the testing in this sorta stock car type of racing thing.  The photographer girl is cute and he seems to be hanging out with her and it might be a thing where they are a thing?  I dunno.  The pit crew is kind enough to tell us that the car is indeed "tits" because it is so fast.  We're also shown that the driver is a girl who takes Cody back to the locker room and just takes off her racing outfit to show him her knockers as if it is the most casual thing in the history of things.  Also, I think, based solely on the name on her locker, her name is June Khnockers.  Fucking amazing.

He drives off and our Cinematographer nicely frames their asses to be front and center while he drives off.  They talk, but frankly, it's just gobbledygook coming out of their mouths because they have pretty sweet buns.  Cody records himself while driving to the docks where his (house?) boat is parked.  He says he bought the recorder because he heard every good P.I. should have one.  Fuck, he's terrible at his job, and he can't hit a target with his gun, and he is pretty goofy looking.  But if there's one thing he's in no short supply of - the poon.  This is evident when he comes out of the shower to find two Texan girls waiting for him in his boat saying they just sailed in from Corpus Christi and was parked next to him so they thought it was only neighborly of them to come over and give him a stein of beer and show him their jugs.
The movie is 9 minutes old and there has already been a lady licking her lips while typing on a computer, these two chicks
and the two chicks at the race track.  And look!  Didn't I say he was a goofy looking dude?
The film cuts to the lovely Sybil Danning busts into a warehouse of computers.  Just metal racks of computers all over the place.  Another guy with a mustache talks to her about how the Russians are stealing computers and stuff from them.  This makes me think Sybil Danning is the Queen of Computers or something because she had to come back from the South of France to discuss this with the guy.  He says he knows a guy who she would like that can help him.  They keep flashing shots of Cody as if the people watching this movie is too distracted by titties to remember that this mustachio was hanging with our main mustachio just one scene before.

Just when talking was too much, they cut to the two Texan girls showering and dancing around naked.  Phew...  I thought for a second exposition was going to drown out the real draw to these fucking movies.

A look I am all too familiar with in this scenario - trying to
pull off a mustache.
Cody gets a page from Sybil Danning's guy and goes to meet with her.  He brings her a dress that mostly shows everything but her nipples, and they go out for dinner and dancing like how all my business meetings go.  They then go at it like a couple horny crickets.

We are at minute 14 of a 105 minute movie.  I shit you not.

Cody takes the job and heads off the next morning to start working on the case and he gets blocked off by a family of fat, dumb hillbillies who have some dumb fuck racing history with Cody's family.  This is supposed to be funny.  It isn't.  Let's get back to boobs, please.  Also, this asshole's southern twang voice over is just awful.  He gives unnecessary exposition with it, but I think it is there to explain why some actress  is wearing a cast on her leg or other things that he is unable to act his way through so Sidaris just thought it would be best for him to voice over that shit.

Cody, who looks like Aaron Rodgers if he was in a Saturday Night Live skit, I think, is supposed to be a funny, charming, good ol' boy from Texas or something like that.  However, he has NO charisma.  I mean he is a fine looking man.  Sure, by 80s standards, he belongs in a movie like this.  I get it.  However, he has so little on screen charisma he actually sucks it out of the other people around him too.  At least that is going to be my way of saying we keep parading those tits on and off screen so no need to knock them for their acting issues.  We'll just blame our main star, Darby Hinton, for the lack of any real relationships between any two characters when he's in frame.

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is DEAD.
The main issue is that he's not terribly likable.  He's certainly not a jerk, but that lack of charisma is really an issue.  I almost have to root for the muscleheads who want to beat him up for catching so much attention from women at this club he's at with yet another woman he's messing around with just because that utter lack of personality and charisma tells me nothing in terms of if I think he's really a good guy.  It's so bad, they have to switch scenes to his client's house to show a woman in lingerie doing aerobics while her boobs fall out of said lingerie and a woman in a shower who ultimately gets raped by some guy I forgot how he is related to the client, but remember him from a previous scene.

I am not above saying that I'm not sure what the hell is going on in this movie.  I don't hate it despite the fact that Mustachio'd Aaron Rodgers is a far better football player than an actor.  Yeah, it helps to have shown like 23 tits in 27 minutes.

Oh!  So the guy who I said raped a girl in the shower (which the girl has NOT mentioned even to Cody, she just took it) is the driver for the family Cody is working for.  He also likes to videotape and photograph the sex he has with women (both voluntary sex and the not so much).

The main woman who got fucked in the shower by the creepoid, has some business to attend to and Cody helps her out with a ride, but he runs afoul of, I think, the muscleheads from the gym the day before?  I don't know.  He gets pulled over by them and they tell him they want to fight.  Again, I'm not sure what the holy fuck is going on in this movie.  It's like they have a topless scene, followed by something that is supposed to be funny, followed by a sex scene, followed by exposition that means nothing, followed by nudity, followed by fighting, followed by more nudity, and so on until your eyes bleed.
Discount Double Check this, motherfuckers.
After a shirtless dude karate fight left him walking through a desert without a car and some bruises, Cody finds a used car lot run by what else - a hot lady.  He asks for the fastest thing on the lot and she just opens her shirt and says that she's the fastest thing on the lot - which is awesome.  When he gets back to the home of his client, his voice over says his trip he took got his car beat up, his ass kicked, and raped.  Yeah, rape jokes.  Oh, the 80s.

He overhears that there's some blackmail happening with the wife of his client's gay nephew and their driver, who also happens to be an ex-con.  Cody follows Shane, the ex-con, who is driving the gay nephew to a drag club.  Shane tries blackmailing the nephew for money to pay off a gambling debt.  Stuart, the gay nephew, turns out to be a pretty good drag queen.  Even Cody's impressed.  I knew that mustache was suspect.

Sybil, let those Dannings out!
The next scene is at some fancy party or some such shit.  Sybil Danning is there letting her tits do the talking for her (I don't exactly know what I mean by that, but I like it enough not to edit it out of this paragraph).  Cody is there with his finest mustache.  All this family of the people Cody's working for is there.  Shane is in charge of the caterers and calls and impersonates a lispy gay guy to talk and threaten Stuart to get the money he needs.  When Stuart still says no, the guy Shane owes says he's gonna cut Shane's face.  Now, during this party there are lots of weird shit happening.  Shane's calling Stuart a faggot for not giving him the money.  There's a maid named Marian (who is constantly referred to as Maid Marian as if making a Robin Hood reference would make it seem this movie is somehow smart) who practically wears nothing but a little maid's hat, a bodysuit, and heels she can barely walk in.  Two of the women related to Cody's client, who is Lady Chamberlain (I just decided to look up because I honestly didn't know it until this very moment), makes a joke that Maid Marian was raped by two gay guys -  you know, one holds her down the other does her hair?  Oh, the 80s...  When you could mix your gay jokes with your rape jokes.

Now, forty-five minutes into the movie, we finally get to the point of this fucking thing.  Seriously, there's enough shit here to fill a full movie's worth of a normal B-Movie Enema post.  Shit.  Okay, an obvious female figure breaks into Shane's room and shoots him dead, but he took a picture of the person WHO DID STOP TO FINISH SHANE OFF BUT DID NOT TAKE THE CAMERA WHEN SHE OBVIOUSLY KNEW A PICTURE WAS TAKEN.  I can't say that loud enough or write it in bigger caps than that.  The killer is a moron.

The next morning, his body is found by Sybil Danning and Cody.  They handle this pretty cool and he just goes around touches up the crime scene while Maid Marian spies on him.  The gay guy's wife was also found looking for some of the evidence of her affair with Shane.  So instead of calling the cops directly, Cody gets on Lady Chamberlain's phone and calls a fucking sex hotline.  And tells the lady there to call the cops.  I... I...  *sigh*  I don't know what the fuck is happening.  The wheels are completely off the train now.  The fuck?  Calling the sex line did two things - 1) delayed the arrival of the cops and 2) give us some close ups of a girl playing with her nipple.  I mean I appreciated the nips and stuff, but shiiiiiit... This movie was written either by a 13 year old boy or an old man's boner.

The cops come and reveal that there was an affair between the gay guy's wife and Shane, so Cody and a lady cop go off to work the case and they fuck.

*sigh*  *again*

This isn't a movie.  It's not porn because we're not seeing full on penetration, but it's not a movie.  It's Penthouse Forum.  No.  It's not that.  I think it's a way to visually pass VD to people.  I mean it.  My eyes just got the clap.  My brain is now suffering from genital warts.

Some guys come to, I dunno... kill (?) lady cop and Cody, but they are hiding out in the shower and he says something stupid (which she rightfully calls him out for).  He tries shooting a guy at point blank range, he misses (it's a hilarious thing they do in the movie), but lady cop kills him.  For the other guy, Cody, again misses shooting the bad guy, but lady cop gets him.  These were just hired thugs coming to beat them up.  They fired back in self-defense (kinda).  I guess murder is as celebrated as casual sex.

Have I yet driven home the point that this is a 105 minute movie?  How the holy fuck is it so long for a soft core titty flick?  Well, it's because Cody is fucking every woman in the movie, and multiple scenes of drag racing the hillbillies.  Multiple. Drag. Racing. Scenes. With. A. Family. Of. Hillbillies.  Fuck.

After TWO (T-W-O) more scenes of the Texan girls messing about with Cody, another pair of thugs he couldn't kill when they tried to kill him, and ANOTHER FUCKING CALL TO THE SEX HOTLINE, Cody is trying to get a roll of film he withheld from the cops that will have some evidence as to who killed Shane because Stuart was arrested because he had enough motive with the affair... blah blah blah.  Whatever.  This movie is not all that interested in being a movie, therefore, I'm not sure I'm all that interested with doing the play by play.

They get the film developed and it seems to show who the real killer is, but as cop lady and Cody leave, cop lady is shot in a pretty bad spot but I think she's okay?  Guess what running joke returns again?  Cody can't shoot the bad guys trying to shoot him.  The chase goes on too long and ends up with an innocent kid getting killed when the bad guys thought it was Cody.  They seemed pretty upset about that kill but the casual murder of Cody and cop lady is totally cool with them.

There are chunks of guy in that explosion.
The bad guys take a helicopter instructor hostage and hijack his helicopter.  Yeah, I just wrote that.  Because that's some shit that happened in the movie.  So Cody is driving away in June Khnockers' car while June is trying to fuck him while they are driving, totally uncaring about their lives being in danger from the helicopter trying to gun them down.  Yeah, I just wrote that too.

Okay.  Look at that previous paragraph.  That's the crazy ass shit that fucking happened in this movie.  However, it's nowhere near as totally shitballs nuts as the next sentence I am about to write.  When June and Cody see the bad guys waiting for them in the road, Cody is unable to avoid hitting one guy causing him to be tossed pretty far into the air and off to the side of the road where a live grenade in his pocket goes off, blowing him to bits.

June is able to distract one of the thugs by flashing her tits allowing Cody to finally hit the guy because he is no longer a moving target.  The other guy gets winged.  They flag down a mobile home driven by none other than Andy Sidaris himself (thanks to June flashing her tits again) and get a ride back to Palm Springs.

As the movie enters the final moments, Sidaris throws in all the tits left he hasn't shown yet into some kind of crazy sex party.  It only lasts as long as Cody coming into the party and shooting the radio and telling everyone to leave.  He yells at Stuart's sister who was revealed to be the real killer.  There was, as expected, no real interesting reveal or any cleverness to it.  But we needed to wrap it up so there can be another drag race with the hillbillies.  This hillbilly shit is horrible and there were three scenes of it.  Which also is the number of scenes with the sex hotline girl who plays with her boobs every time Cody calls.

Now comes the staple of every one of Andy Sidaris' films.  Cody collects everyone who basically had a speaking part in the movie that wasn't shot, a bad guy, the hillbillies, or the sex line chick and explains it all over glasses of champagne.  I shit you  not, every single one of his series of films end this way.  Again, it's not all that clever.  It's not Liza, Stuart's sister because she is left  handed.  It was Sybil Danning who is also a secret super spy or some fuck.  They just now decided to tell the movie that there was a whole spy/treason thing.  The story ends with Sybil Danning saying she's in Hawaii and is waiting for Cody to get his dick over there.

When Lady Chamberlain says Cody would help any woman in need, he looks at each woman on the boat and we're given flashbacks of when they were all naked in the movie - even the girl raped in the shower because like every other thing in this movie, why not?

But in all seriousness, fuck this movie.

I'll probably watch it again in a few months.

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