ANYway... This week's vampire flick is something new. It's not a popular movie and I'm curious if even that many vampire movie superfans know about it. It's called Night Fangs and it's yet another movie brought to my attention thanks to a subscription to Bizarre TV on my Roku device.
This is directed by Ricardo Islas from Uruguay who's been directing movies on the reg for about thirty years now. He's a bit of a do-it-yourself kinda guy as he also wrote the movie, produced it, edited it, and stars as Professor Nashy. He definitely has a real care for the genre as he takes his character name from the legendary Spanish actor Paul Naschy, who stars in next week's vampire flick. He also seems to have a real Roger Corman take too by taking on all sorts of roles in the production of this movie to help make this as much on the cheap as he can.
I'll most definitely point out some glaring inconsistencies with this movie's story, but I gotta give it to Islas, he gets an A for effort with this flick.
The back of the DVD box tells us: "Two lesbian art teachers obsessed with eternal youth have managed to get Elizabeth Bathory's diary. Performing bloody rituals, they accidentally unleash an ancient evil that will devour their flesh and souls... This rare, raw, and extremely violent independent feature revisits the vampire myth and presents an outrageous new take on the theme, taking audiences into a world of nightmares that resemble the style of an old Hammer classic and the gore and darkness of European cinema. A new-born cult classic."
Let's get started, but I know from previous viewings that the only real thing that is true after the ellipses in the above synopsis is that it is an independent feature. The rest of it is... kinda bullshit.
Still it gets a fucking A for effort.
|The sorta vampire, yet definite lesbian, Lupe and Jennifer.|
Later, Jennifer and Lupe are in the bath talking about some book and when the camera pans, it doesn't just give us a shot of their naked bodies but also reveals they are bathing in the poor guy's blood. It would seem Jennifer was all about getting the guy over, but it seems killing the guy got Lupe hot and bothered.
|I... I like this chick.|
Later, Lupe meets with a guy who has some sort of book or something that they are buying from him. Lupe kills him after he makes some shitty comments about her being a dyke and how she needs to get fucked by a man dick. He also knife fucks the dude in the butt. That's hardcore... and kinda sexy on her part. Errr... I mean... Ew, that was pretty gross and uncomfortable to watch.
Now, let me take a moment to say that I only know what is going on because I know what is going on. I've seen this movie before, and that's the only excuse that I know the girls are most definitely lesbians from the get go, they are buying a book from some dude, and what have you. If you were watching this with no prior knowledge, you would only have the title, Night Fangs, to work off to know there's some vampire shit in this movie. Otherwise, you wouldn't know if they were witches or just some crazy broads. You would probably know they are lesbians, but are you sure of that? If you've not seen the movie before all this shit would be baffling to you for a little bit. At least until you find out they were buying Elizabeth Bathory's personal diary from the dude with the knife hole where his asshole used to be. If you know who that lady was, then you know there's some vampire shit about to happen.
In Professor Nashy's history class, he gives some basic history about the fall of Vlad the Impaler. Jennifer and Lupe, who are just hanging out in the back of the room, ask about Elizabeth Bathory. He then gives background on that after Amy asks about her. One of the girls in the class leaves a sexy note for Professor Nashy - played by our writer and director, who is not particularly attractive. What an asshole.
|Yeah... Let that heavy metal turn you into a sexy, sexy woman,|
Jennifer and Lupe plan to chloroform Amy and sacrifice her, but that plan is thwarted by Dime Store Michael Cera. Lupe asks if Amy is definitely a virgin. Jennifer confirms she is but maybe not for much longer after seeing her doofy boyfriend touch her butt. While the lesbians make their plans, Professor Nashy has a sexy dream about the extremely plain girl who left him a sexy note being sacrificed to Elizabeth Bathory. It's weird and kinda funny.
Amy gets duped into going over to Jennifer and Lupe's to work on a piece of art for a supposed contest that Jennifer thinks she can win. The rub (heh), though, is that she has to go over that night to complete the piece because the contest pieces need to be taken in the morning. Doofus gets mad thinking he's going to lose his girlfriend to the lesbos. She warns that if he tries to take her out of their place before she's done, he will never see her again.
Though, I will definitely admit to having a serious thing for Ruby Gonzalez (Amy).
It's during the heat of this moment when it's revealed that Amy is a virgin and she's maybe gay...? When Amy turns to make out with Jennifer, Lupe, who is already a pretty unhinged chick, goes insane and suffocates Amy by smashing clay into her mouth. It's actually pretty brutal. Not only that, but here we thought this girl was going to be a heroine, only to be straight murdered. Kinda.
Dime Store Michael Cera is hanging out with two guys and two girls who I guess are his pals. Yet, these four people are goddamn horrible people. They are nothing but a couple girls who can't stop talking about sexy guys and the two guys are nothing but a couple gay bashers and prick shitholes. Amy's death pretty much took out the only person who we could root for. The two lesbian ladies are crazy. The teacher fantasizes about a student of his. The boyfriend is a doofus. His buddies are utter asshats. This movie is full of assholes.
Now, outside Steve and his douchebag friends are trying to get into Jennifer and Lupe's house to save Amy. Inside, Amy has turned Lupe into a vampire who, in turn, made Jennifer a vampire. Things are not lining up well for our intrepid idiots who are trying to save Amy - who is already lost anyway. Two of the dumb friends find Jennifer. She comes to life, knocks out the guy and bites the girl. Steve and the "horny" (because there is always one in a group of horror movie friends) gal pal investigate the upstairs, but she's taken by Lupe. Steve finds Amy outside rocking ally creepy like in a rocking chair.
|So cute, but also pretty creepy. But also so pretty. Where can|
I sign up for this vampire thing?
Our so-called heroes are only able to escape when vampire Lupe and vampire Jennifer initially only go after the girls. One of the d-bag pals is only able to escape when he is able to chop off Lupe's hand when she tries to grab him. This causes her to cry out in pain which causes Amy to stop feeding from Steve. This causes Steve to be kinda monstery for a bit, but not a permanent vampire. Steve's surviving guy pals decide to enlist the help of Professor Nashy who seems to know a thing or two about vampire shit. They go to Nashy's house where they see the one girl who left the note for him leaving and seemingly pretty cheery. Gross.
They tell him about the girls and Nashy doesn't really believe them. He just thinks that they are pulling his leg and there's nothing he can help them with that isn't already in 100 years of movies couldn't tell them about. They take him to see Steve and when they go into the house where they are keeping him, it smells bad leading to Nashy asking who farted. Really move? Really? You want to tell a fart joke? Okay, I see how it's going to be.
At this point, it's fairly standard vampire movie fare. Nashy is convinced after seeing Steve and when he's a bit more lucid, they discuss what happened and seem to think that Steve being "better" is due to the sun rising and kinda burning it out of him or something? When worried that the girls may come after the guys, they all decide that maybe they need to go on the offensive. So they arm themselves with wooden stakes and crucifixes and what have you. Oh, I should add that Nashy buys all this at a goddamn store. You know stores that sell vampire hunting shit. Okay, I definitely see how it's going to be, movie.
|Not exactly a picture of confidence from our main hero, Nashy.|
That night, the girls do go on the attack. Steve is still kinda under Amy's control and she is able to get him to go outside so she can feed on him some more - this time by making out with him and biting his tongue. As for the rest of the guys, all that vampire shit they bought at the vampire hunting store hardly helps them as the girls are able to get inside the house anyway. At least the wooden stakes work when Nashy uses one to take out the horny friend. Unfortunately, of the d-bag guys gets turned and he's decapitated by Nashy.
The following morning, Nashy, Steve, and what I can only describe as "the black friend", since I never took the time to learn the d-bags' names, go to Jennifer and Lupe's house where a trap is laid for them by having the black friend's sister waiting for them in what appears to be a precarious position where she is tied up and close to being hung. Of course, we know what is up with that because we saw her get bitten and what have you. Nashy, though, didn't see that and is easily tricked by the ruse. When she tries to attack him, he's forced to kill her by dragging her out into the sun and beating her to shit in front of her brother.
For some reason, Nashy says that for them to know where Jennifer and Amy are they have to understand Elizabeth Bathory's way of thinking. Like all vampires are psychically linked to her or something? Anyway, they learn that Lupe and Jennifer had a restoration contract with a cool looking theater in this small town because whatever. Of course they do, and also there are no windows in the theater. And also, because Nashy is a horrible hero, he lets Steve and Black Friend go in alone because he knows it's a trap. Basically he just says, "Fuck you! I'm gonna wait in the car."
|I'm still pretty much on board. I mean her boyfriend burned|
her. I could be a good rebound for a single vampire lady!
This guy was just terrible.
Not only does all our conceivable good guys turn out to either be horrible pieces of shit or they turn into vampires, but it also contradicted itself in a really really bad way. The whole point of the vampires hiding out in the theater was because supposedly there were no windows. Nashy points htis out, and also, as the actual director of the movie, shows us this by giving us a shot of a brick wall with no windows. How do they try to stop the vampires inside? With windows. What the fuck. Did you forget that just a few pages before, you said there were no windows and went to the lengths to say that as a line AND show us there were no windows?
Still, I do have to give this movie an A for effort. Yeah, it's pretty dumb. The acting isn't that great. The heroes are fucking awful. But there are still some nice pieces to the movie that can't be ignored. It uses Elizabeth Bathory as the actual basis for these vampires. There's a goal to find a fountain of youth. It just goes horribly wrong because completely unstable people are trying to play God. Kinda makes sense. Plus, there's some sexy shit in here from Cyn Dulay (Lupe) and the lovely, lovely Ruby Gonzalez (Amy) - for real guys, I'm really into Ruby Gonzalez.
The main problem, though, is that the script feels like four different movies. A witchcraft type of movie with this ritual to live forever and Jennifer and Lupe are kinda witchy. There's the obvious vampire story that comprises of basically the entire second half of the movie. There's a tender lesbian-y type of story that feels like something that would have been featured in Emmanuelle or something of that ilk. Then there's a weird comedy angle too. Everyone wants to crack a joke but because this is written by a guy from Uruguay, the jokes aren't really jokes. The characters aren't built in a way to be likable so we can laugh at their jokes. So we have these four different movies that are all competing to be the A genre and it's obvious and problematic.
Anyway, we're going to move on. This movie was pleasant when it was good, but it's time to actually shift gears and take a look at a movie that isn't just European in flavor but made in Europe by a for real heavyweight monster movie star - Paul Naschy. Name looks familiar, huh? Come back next week when I take a look at 1971's Werewolf Vs. the Vampire Woman!