Friday, December 30, 2016
Go back twenty some years. You're a guy roughly my age. You also work at a video store. You remember watching a little show on TV called Who's the Boss and you very likely had a major crush on Tony's daughter, Samantha (Milano, no duh). She was spunky, she was cute, she was awesome. She was your girlfriend each week when the show came on.
Now, you're working one day at the video store and you see this new movie put out starring the girl who played Samantha and she's super all grown up and stuff. She's got one picture of her on the box that looks like she's getting some action and another picture of her with knee high stockings and her shirt holding on for dear life before it slips down. She's got that super hot mid-90s above-the-shoulder hairstyle and everything. Words like "Embrace" and "Vampire" are emblazoned on the box in red. Your eighteen-year-old mind is racing. You know what's happening here.
You have to see this.
And you do.
And it's a VERY important moment in your maturing life.
Flash forward to the very end of 2016. You're now a weird, kinda old, dude who watches shitty movies so he can write about them. My friends, the joke is on you. Welcome to my goddamn nightmare.
Our synopsis is quite simple. IMDb says: "An 18-year-old college freshman is seduced by a handsome vampire lover who introduces her to a dark world of carnal desires."
Frankly, that is all you need to know because there is no better way to talk about this glorious flick than to use a phrase like "a dark world of carnal desires". Let's dig deeper and I will try not to pass out from all the blood rushing from my head as this movie plays itself out.
Friday, December 23, 2016
We started out the month seeing her as a pixie-haired street revolutionary with wild clothes and men fixated on her ass (rightfully so) with Double Dragon. We then saw her play a sorta-nun in Deadly Sins. Last week we heard the Confessions of Sorority Girls. Now, we start to dive into her more sultry roles with the queen bee of all her sultry roles to come next week.
But for this week, Poison Ivy II: Lily is a sequel to a very controversial 1992 film appropriately titled Poison Ivy. In that movie, Drew Barrymore plays Ivy, a troubled teen who ultimately seduces her way into a family's life and nearly destroys it. It's probably better known for it relaunching Drew Barrymore's career after several bad bouts with substance abuse than it is for being a good movie. Either way, it was certainly earned a great deal of fame and launched an entire series of films.
By 1996, it seemed only natural that this month's featured lady be the star of a sequel. While Milano didn't have the bouts of drug and/or alcohol abuse, she was riding high in some pretty popular, and sexy, thrillers. With the mid-90s direct-to-video market and Cinemax pushing late night exploitation thrillers, the inevitable sequel came. So, let's take a look at the synopsis from the back of the DVD box...
"Lily (Alyssa Milano), is just the average new girl at school until she discovers an old diary containing Ivy's deepest, darkest secrets. The more she reads, the more she becomes lured into Ivy's world - world of seductions and power plays - until she herself becomes the uninhibited risk-taker she always dreamt of being. But when a dangerous affair with her married professor (Xander Berkeley) spirals out of control, Lily becomes involved in a chilling series of events that makes Poison Ivy 2: Lily as provocative an erotic thriller as the original."
I think it's safe to say I fucking loved all of that business. Sheltered girl coming out of her shell and becoming a sexy risk-taker and the so forth... Yes siree, let's open up this flower and dive in!
Friday, December 16, 2016
This movie is actually also known as Confessions of a Sorority Girl as it was originally released. If that sounds familiar to some exploitation fans out there, it's because it was part of a series of made for TV movies produced by Showtime that acted as loose remakes of 1950s movies of the same title. Now, a producer on this series of remakes and a co-writer of this movie is Debra Hill. She's best known for producing several John Carpenter movies. So this is coming from a certain amount of talent.
You might notice two more things about this movie. First, our theme month is edging ever more sexy with Double Dragon being an utterly safe and unsexy premise (no matter how charged they tried to make Scott Wolf's character) and Deadly Sins moving toward a more mature theme before this movie. Now, we're just going right for the sexy exploitation factor. The second thing you might see from the DVD box cover to the left is this also stars Jamie Luner, another sexy 90s girl. These things should make for a movie that will please my eyes at the very least.
IMDB also perpetrates the sexiness with the description: "Attractive but warped college co-ed Sabrina resorts to lying, cheating, blackmailing, seduction, and manipulation to get what she wants." That makes for a nice, short, direct explanation of what we have going on here. So, I'm-a just gonna dive right in to my review.
Friday, December 9, 2016
Back when I worked at a video store, I know I saw this movie on the shelf and thought to myself, "I like what I'm seeing here with Alyssa's face and that little hint of cleavage. I'll have to check this out." Well, twenty years later, I'm finally checking it out. I guess better late than never, eh?
I always assumed this was a product of mid-90s thrillers such as Basic Instinct, Sliver, Erotica, The Color of Night, and Jade. It seemed as such. Throw in the Catholic-ness of it all (Milano plays a nun and David Keith is investigating murders in and around a Catholic school), Catholic school girls, and then put one of the sultriest and most loved actresses of my generation in a habit and suddenly, you got yourself a steamy thriller.
At least that is what I'm hoping for.
But what is our actual synopsis? IMDb sez... "New area deputy Jack Gage (Keith) arrives on the island to find that a girl at the local Catholic girls' school has been found dead. After investigating, he finds that students have been disappearing regularly for five years, about the time Mother Bernadette passed away. Gales and the Mother Superior's secretary Cristina (Milano) work together to try and unravel the mystery, and discover that the students and faculty all seem to have some secrets."
Now, admittedly, I have a few things I would like to see after getting a little understanding of what I'm about to watch. I want to see girls in the little plaid skirts. I feel that A) I've earned that and B) it's the 90s, that shit was just as hot, or hotter back then, as it is now. Next, I want Alyssa Milano to be struggling with being a nun. I want see her experiencing new stuff that she hadn't had to think about before. Again, I feel like I have earned that shit. Finally, I want to see a nun be the murderer. That's something you don't see too too often. Let's unwrap this and immerse ourselves in some Catholic murder mystery!
Friday, December 2, 2016
So without further ado, welcome to Alyssa Milano Month on B-Movie Enema! We have five, count 'em FIVE, movies from one of the most productive, and crushed upon, girls of the 90s. Not one who got mixed up in booze or drugs, but a legit amazingly hot woman who, to this day, still commands her sexuality and better judgment to be a hell of a person.
Oh, and she's the first girl I ever had a crush on and thought of naughty, naughty things.
While you can probably guess one movie in particular I will be covering this month (because it is one of the finest pieces of sexy filmmaking ever), I opted to ramp up to it. So, here we are, a movie based on a video game that I (controversially) didn't like much. A button masher of epic proportions... Double Dragon.
Talk about an ill-advised movie. The game had a strong following and was selected to be one of the early video game crazes to be made in to movies. Unfortunately, no one took any notes from the disastrous Super Mario Bros. and Hollywood churned out three more turds - our buttplug of a feature today, Street Fighter, and Mortal Kombat. All three sucked, hard, but this was the first of these fighting games to screen and make fanboys want to kill themselves.
That's all I got about this movie. I didn't care much for the game, so I never saw this movie. I only chose it because it was a nice way to ease ourselves into a month of Alyssa Milano movies. I suspect I will ultimately wish I had chosen the one Amy Fisher movie she made for Lifetime instead, but... Well... That one wasn't quite as readily available to me as this one was. I fear that will come back to bite me in the asshole. Right up there in the asshole. Not the cheeks. The actual hole.
IMDB sez: "Two brothers have half of a powerful ancient Chinese talisman. An evil gang leader has the other half, and determines to get the brothers' half and have a complete medallion so he can gain absolute power."
Sigh... Okay, let's get crackin' so I can eventually move onto the better Alyssa Milano movies of the 90s...