We started out the month seeing her as a pixie-haired street revolutionary with wild clothes and men fixated on her ass (rightfully so) with Double Dragon. We then saw her play a sorta-nun in Deadly Sins. Last week we heard the Confessions of Sorority Girls. Now, we start to dive into her more sultry roles with the queen bee of all her sultry roles to come next week.
But for this week, Poison Ivy II: Lily is a sequel to a very controversial 1992 film appropriately titled Poison Ivy. In that movie, Drew Barrymore plays Ivy, a troubled teen who ultimately seduces her way into a family's life and nearly destroys it. It's probably better known for it relaunching Drew Barrymore's career after several bad bouts with substance abuse than it is for being a good movie. Either way, it was certainly earned a great deal of fame and launched an entire series of films.
By 1996, it seemed only natural that this month's featured lady be the star of a sequel. While Milano didn't have the bouts of drug and/or alcohol abuse, she was riding high in some pretty popular, and sexy, thrillers. With the mid-90s direct-to-video market and Cinemax pushing late night exploitation thrillers, the inevitable sequel came. So, let's take a look at the synopsis from the back of the DVD box...
"Lily (Alyssa Milano), is just the average new girl at school until she discovers an old diary containing Ivy's deepest, darkest secrets. The more she reads, the more she becomes lured into Ivy's world - world of seductions and power plays - until she herself becomes the uninhibited risk-taker she always dreamt of being. But when a dangerous affair with her married professor (Xander Berkeley) spirals out of control, Lily becomes involved in a chilling series of events that makes Poison Ivy 2: Lily as provocative an erotic thriller as the original."
I think it's safe to say I fucking loved all of that business. Sheltered girl coming out of her shell and becoming a sexy risk-taker and the so forth... Yes siree, let's open up this flower and dive in!
Heh... This old movie didn't only give me an option between widescreen and full screen, but also R-rated and Unrated. Guess what I picked... I need to see it ALL.
To top it off, we learn it is Xander Berkeley who plays this professor dude, and this is one of his students. After he blows his load, he's just all like, "Yo, babe, this isn't working out." and she leaves. Now, deep down, all us guys claim this is how all our break ups happen, but yoinks. I am gonna guess that Berkeley's Professor Falk isn't that great of a guy and it's only going to fuel our lovely lead star's demise that much more.
Speaking of, Lily is moving into her dorm at school. She's wearing her cute little 90s garb and making me wish I could go back and live that time again since these kinds of outfits were fucking hot despite how much it covered up the girl. Look, what I'm saying is, you know how rad a girl was back then when you looked at how oddball she dressed. It was just a thing. Also...
What the fuck is this?
For real, what is going on here at this school? We are five minutes in and Xander Berkeley is plowing students and we've got clowns and a goofy dressed Alyssa Milano. Fucking awesome. Oh and Lily goes into a life study art class and the model, naturally, takes her robe off to reveal more boobs.
This is the best movie I have ever seen.
Okie doke. Lily meets this cool dude (to which I will call "hot guy" from here on out) in her class who she sees again when she's trying to find her apartment. She enters to meet her roommates. One of which is making some sort of thing on Microsoft Paint. This is Tanya, who is a lesbian, and the movie gets a little better - but sadly doesn't pay off as one might hope (and by "one" I mean "me"). The other roommate is Bridgette who is some sort of asshole dancer. I mean she dances like an asshole. She also meets Robert who is an amazing cellist. We learn that Lily is kind of sheltered. She's never really been out of Michigan, where she's from. She wakes up from a nap to the sound of Bridgette fucking some dude and goes to the door and watches until she thinks she's been seen by Bridgette. Robert is also kinda just hanging out in the hallway too.
In case you are keeping track, we're twelve minutes in and we've seen two sex scenes and six tits. We haven't even gotten to Alyssa Milano getting all sexy yet and this movie is doing juuuuust fine.
Later, she posts her number as an "experienced babysitter" and is immediately talked to by Xander Berkeley who makes a joke about the clown dude from the beginning of the movie. He continues to talk to her a bit more during class when he takes her hand and helps her draw a naked lady. Hot guy next to her that she watched earlier in the morning is none too pleased about it. I'm going to guess he saw this before with other pretty students because Xander Berkeley is kind of a creep. However, hot guy is kind of a prick about Lily's drawing when he acts out about her and the prof getting kind of close, and she leaves the class, embarrassed.
Hot guy comes over to Lily's place and apologizes while someone takes her number off the community board to call her for some babysitting services. And by that, I'm guessing Xander Berkeley needs to have his balls babysat on by Lily. Anyway, she reads Ivy's diary and starts to get turned on by her writing and her pictures. She starts to cut the pictures up to create a collage of these nudes. She's also checking herself in the mirror and thinking about sexing up what she's already got and I'm 100% a fan of all this.
Well, maybe not the crazy stuff. I've had enough of that to last a lifetime. But if it's Alyssa Milano... I'll think about it. And probably accept it.
|I miss the 90s and these goddamn baggy styles.|
After retreating from the makeout session, Lily goes back to her room and reads more of the diary. I like how Alyssa Milano is reading the diary, and I really like the club fantasy she has after reading the last passage, but the diary is written super shittily. It's so over the top and totally a Penthouse Forum sort of bullshit.
Lily cuts her hair and starts trying on some of Ivy's stuff from the box of junk she found. She coaches herself up about taunting, teasing, and twisting these guys around her little finger as Ivy does with dudes. I like the way she's expressing herself, and coming out of her little shell, but damn, please stop with the crazy. It's bumming me out.
Lily goes to an art gallery and Xander Berkeley tracks her down and flirts with her. His wife shows up and it's the lady from Robocop 2 that was sleeping with the bad guy and tried to reprogram Robocop, Belinda Bauer. She gets hired by Berkeley and his wife to babysit their daughter. Lily finds out that Berkeley doesn't paint anymore because his wife says it makes him crazy. On the way home, he invites her to his studio so she can show him more of her "art". I'm guessing that is creepy college professor for "ma' balls".
Later, she has a dream where her old self comes to her new, sexy self to take her along for this ride, and her new self just isn't going to have that. The worm has turned and Lily is exploring all the good stuff to life. Sex. Being topless. Fucking her creepo art teacher. Dressing sexier. Giving me a boner. And the so forth.
She goes to see Berkeley in his studio. She calls him out for being a teacher and a judge of art but no longer an artist himself. She offers to help face his fears and he can help her face hers. That's like a direct invitation to her puss to Berkeley. He tells her to sit down and take off her clothes so he can draw her. She laughs, but, um... duh, Lily. You just pretty much drew a map to all your lady bits with that "I'll help you face your fears" bullshit.
|Holy Jeebus. Please marry me.|
At this point, it's become clear that hot guy is feeling ignored and used, Berkeley is slowly going crazy from doing his art again and desperately wanting to get up into Lily, Berkeley's wife is feeling something has gone wrong because he's gone all the time, and Lily is being driven crazy by Ivy's sexual freedom. Me? I'm watching all this unfold and I still would like to spend eternity with Lily. Because I'm just that stupid.
Also, Lily is Alyssa Milano so... I'm willing to trade the crazy for dat aaaass.
At the apartment, Bridgette tells Lily there will be a party and now that Lily is like in full control of her sexuality and her confidence, she doesn't let Bridgette get her down... Until she sees the bitch kiss hot guy when she knew Lily was watching.
It's at this point that I kind of realize to myself that while this movie is just a collection of sexy things that happen and just does whatever it takes to get Alyssa Milano naked, it's this very reason why I utterly love this movie. It's not pretending to be anything grand or more than what it is. It's just a sexy, sexy, sexy movie. And that deserves our admiration.
While Lily gets ready for class, hot guy finds some notes that have been left for Lily throughout the course of the movie. He gets jealous about it and they have a little fight, but she almost defiantly not telling him about anything. He tells her that he doesn't seem to know who she is anymore and he wants out. So he leaves.
Berkeley's wife shows up to bring him some food and she's curious about what he's working on. She's a little suspicious about what's going on and outright accuses him of cheating on her. Lily comes in and he questions about her about where she was since she and her hot guy were not in class. She originally was going to leave, but he stops her and tells her that he can't stop thinking about her and that he hasn't ever felt this way before. You know... All the normal lines. He even throws in how her beauty scares and terrifies him. This time when he tries to kiss her, she just begs him to not do that, but when he goes back in for more kissing, she doesn't put up the same defense and just goes with it which allows him to get some boob squeezes and some butt honks and gives him the opportunity to pull off her panties and all the good stuff. He even goes down on her until they are interrupted by the doorbell. Lily uses that opportunity to get out of there.
Apparently things are cool between hot guy and Lily again because they are hanging out. She apologizes for the way she's been acting. She says she's been really confused lately but not anymore. This is kinda nice and sweet because even though this guy was originally played off as that "tortured artist" dickhead type, he turned out to be a pretty decent dude. Together, they go to Berkeley and his wife's Thanksgiving which pisses off Berkeley. This creates a bunch of tension between everyone involved because hot guy and Lily are really doing the whole PDA thing big time and Berkeley is trying to carve a turkey with a big knife and he's clearly pissed and things are just weird all over.
|How would you like to sit across from this at Thanksgiving?|
Before they rejoin his wife and hot guy, Berkeley straight up rapes Lily in the hallway - made worse by both his wife and daughter catching them in the act. The daughter runs away and gets hit by a car. The girl lives, thankfully. That's definitely one thing I didn't want to see in a sexy 90s Alyssa Milano movie - a little girl dying.
Lily runs away and goes back home. She realizes that Ivy is the root of all her woe, so she trashes her room Tommy Wisseau style. She packs up all of Ivy's stuff in the box she found it in. As she tries to clean herself up, someone is walking through the house. She's confronted by hot guy who believes she's been manipulating both him and Berkeley. Hot guy is knocked out by Berkeley and tries to attack Lily, but hot guy bounces back and they fight their way out onto the balcony. Lily trires to escape and hide, but Berkeley is persistent. The cellist tells Berkeley that the police is on the way but he just gets himself tossed down stairs. On the roof, Berkeley catches up to Lily and slips off the roof and dies while she's saved by hot guy. Even though hot guy feels dejected when Lily pushes him away after saving her, she finds him and tells him why things went downhill like they did and why she tried to be someone who she wasn't. He forgives her and they seemingly are going to get together and be a super happy little couple.
And thus ends our movie, but only serves as the beginning of Lily's years and years of therapy.
|"Hmmm... Is there a Gibb standing over my shoulder?"|
No, instead she was finding enjoyment from having attention. She came from a small town to a big city and found a way to change herself into something she thought she wanted to be. A lot of people do that. Not all of them get raped in front of a guy's wife and kid, but some people really do like the attention a person (or people in some cases) will give them.
Ivy, played by Drew Barrymore, was a bad girl. She, in some ways, mirrored some of the rough life Barrymore herself had. Lily also mirrors her actress. Milano wasn't victim to a lot of child actor problems. She was a good girl who decided to make some sexy movies. Still, no one thought of her as a bad girl, just sexy as all get out. So, Lily, like Ivy, kinda plays to the actress playing her. It makes for a decent movie - if, for nothing else, just to see a girl you've had a major thing for over the years be overtly sexy for 100 minutes. There are things that the movie could have done better, like not have Lily explain herself at the end and have her shown to be desperate for the change she took on, but I've seen way worse movies.
Well, I say it's time to shut this week's B-Movie Enema down. We're not only coming to the finish line for 2016, but next week signals the end of Alyssa Milano Month. I have most certainly saved the best for last as I'll be taking a look at the life-changing, incredibly hot Embrace of the Vampire. Until then, I'm gonna go search for my very own Lily and be incredibly burned by it.