Friday, September 22, 2017

My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)

So here's another movie I watched a whole bunch between 1989 and about 1991.

In the late 80s and early 90s, I was hitting puberty pretty much like Mark McGwire would hit dingers - hard and fast.  During this time, I would find movies and TV shows as sources of my adolescent crushes.  I don't think we need to revisit my damn near stalker-level love of both Alyssa Milano and Phoebe Cates.  I think we've covered that quite a bit.  Last week, you learned that I was hot in my britches for Teri Copely.  There were two other ladies that hit the scene in 1989 that I wanted to see whatever I could - Kim Basinger and the cat lady from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.

Since the cat lady from Star Trek V would likely land me in jail in most states, I think we should talk about Kim Basinger.

Literally hot off seeing her on the big screen in Batman, I wanted to see everything Kim Basinger did.  Some of it was perfectly fine - Blind Date and, to a very small degree, Never Say Never Again as a couple examples.  Some of it was not so good.  However, this one, because it starred a pretty popular comedian in Dan Aykroyd, and was the movie she made last before hitting it big in Batman, was on TV a lot.  It was relatively harmless for people of all ages, despite some weird sex stuff I'll get to later, so it could air pretty much at any time of day.

Most people I knew, both boys and girls, watched this movie.  It was the rare goofball comedy that was able to cross over to both genders of a certain age.  For me, I've seen this movie so many times, that there are specific images that are forever burned into my mind.  Like when we first see Basinger's Celeste put on her stockings was erotic as fuck, or when she comes into the bedroom to have sex with Aykroyd, or when she saves Alyson Hannigan's character with crazy space powers, or when baby Seth Green shows up to take Hannigan out on a date.  This movie was a cornerstone in my life.

Admittedly, I'm a little concerned about watching this for the blog.  I have nothing but lovely memories of watching this movie.  I have a very bad feeling it doesn't hold up.  But let's get this thing started and see if my fears are founded or not.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Transylvania Twist (1989)

So here is a little oddball movie that I was suddenly reminded of one day.

Back in 1989 through about 1991, Transylvania Twist appeared fairly regularly on cable channels like Showtime and the like before appearing on VHS in 1993.  The movie is mostly notable to me for starring Robert Vaughn and Angus Scrimm (also known as the bad guy from Superman III and the Tall Man from the Phantasm series).  However, there were one other member of the cast that really caught the attention of a young me - Teri Copley.  Young me really, really liked blondes in the late 80s and early 90s.

But more on that shit later.

The movie is goofy, it's silly, and it's definitely going for the "screwball" element that came along with a lot of cable TV movies of the time.  It definitely utilized Teri Copley's buxom blonde looks as a way to try to align it with some of the more "adult" movies playing on pay TV, but it was actually a PG-rated comedy that tried to go for humor along the lines of hits like Mel Brooks' movies or Airplane!  It wasn't all that aggressive with its sexual humor but still included hot chicks and lots of cleavage.  It was something I'd want to watch privately because I was just figuring out some stuff on a sexual level, but it wasn't overly dirty or anything I would have been embarrassed to have watched with my mom in the room.  I think it played up to the idea that it was kind of a shitty movie, but reveled in it with parodies of popular horror movies and icons and breaking the fourth wall to speak to the audience directly.

This movie is only really available on YouTube these days (unless you want to spend dozens of dollars on the out of print DVD or buy a VHS player to watch it on tape), so I don't really have anything physical to copy the synopsis from, but I can break it down as such: Teri Copley is hot.  She is related to a vampire who has hot vampire lady daughters.  She has to go to Transylvania to get an inheritance from her dad, but the vampire, played by Robert Vaughn, wants the inheritance himself.  Hilarity ensues.

Enough about that.  Let's get to Teri Copley and Transylvania Twist because I haven't seen this movie in like 25 years at least!

Friday, September 8, 2017

Rollerball (1975)

The 1970s were so fucking cool.  If I was somehow able to, I'd have raunchy back alley sex with the entire decade.  Sure, there'd be a lot of pubic hair, chest hair, and medallions, but goddammit I'd be one satisfied weirdo.

And I can say all that for two reasons.  1) I am a weirdo so I might as well be a satisfied one.  2) I was born in the 70s.  Like with a few years to spare too.  It wasn't like I was born on December 30, 1979, I was born in February of 1977.  So I existed in the decade I want to make dirty, dirty love to.

I'm not sure what I like more about the 70s - the music, the violence and, at times both visceral and over the top, gore of the grittier movies, the fashion, the afros, the women, roller skates, or Jack Nicholson's critical hit after critical hit career of the era.  All I know is, whenever I see a movie or hear a song that is followed by a year in the 70s in parentheses behind the title, I'm immediately interested.

That leads us to this week's feature, 1975's Rollerball.  Set in 2018, which is just a few months away now, the movie mixed elements of the 70s, with a roller derby type of game, with ideas that are usually reserved for some sort of post-apocalyptic or dystopian future as the game is more violent and gladiatorial than even the rough and tumble sports like football, hockey, or the aforementioned roller derby, and also ideas that are eerily prescient in our society now like governments and society being run by global corporations.  What's additionally interesting about this film is that it's directed by three-time Academy Award Nominated Norman Jewison (twice nominated before the film), and stars a cast that has a total of four acting Oscar Nominations (James Caan, Ralph Richardson, and John Houseman) and at least one Tony Award Nominee (Moses Gunn).  This was a for real deal movie starring some of Hollywood's best.

And the movie is about a futuristic sport - that is pretty astonishing.

It's been a very long time since I saw this version.  I watched bits and pieces of the bullshit remake made in 2002 when I worked in the projection booth at a movie theater.  I know this was a movie that wasn't uncommon to see on TV when I was little and my brothers (all definitely old enough to have seen the movie in the theater when it was still out despite its R-rating because the 70s were fucking cool with kids seeing that shit) all seemed to have fond memories of it.  When I saw the movie at Disc Replay one Saturday afternoon, I knew I needed to talk about it here on the blog.

As for the synopsis, this comes from the back of the DVD box: "The year is 2018.  There are no wars. There is no crime.  There is only... the Game.  In a world where ruthless corporations reign supreme, this vicious and barbaric 'sport' is the only outlet for the pent-up anger and frustrations of the masses.  Tuned to their televisions, the people watch 'Rollerball': a brutal mutation of football, motocross, and hockey. Jonathan E. (Caan) is the champion player - a man too talented for his own good.  The Corporation has taken away the woman he loves (Maud Adams) but they can't take away his soul - even if the diabolical corporate head (Houseman) tells him he'd better retire... or suffer the old-fashioned way."

Ooh...  Now that sounds like my kinda movie.  Let's get, erm... rolling on Rollerball!

Friday, September 1, 2017

Poison Ivy: The Secret Society (2008)

Man, I love girls dangerously exploring their own sensuality.

That's just a simple fact.  It has nothing to do with this blog.  I just like it when girls get a little cuckoo over the bone.  Who doesn't?

I'm also a big fan of the Poison Ivy movies.

That has a lot more to do with this blog - and today's entry in particular.  Back in December of 2016, we looked at the second entry in this series, 1996's Poison Ivy II: Lily, starring Alyssa Milano.  A third movie came out a year later starring Jaime Pressly.  For a little over a decade, the series laid dormant until a fourth film premiered on Lifetime.

I'm totally positive this movie is going to be loaded with tits and ass just as I expect from any movie with the title Poison Ivy.  And i'm also positive this will follow the tradition of all the naked boobs and bush we saw in the 2000s from actresses desperate to break into Hollywood.  Wait..

Let me scan the paragraph just before the last one.  Okay, I see mention of Poison Ivy II which, along with Embrace of the Vampire are definitely transformative movie experiences for me and mah boner.  Check.  I mentioned Poison Ivy 3.  That one stars another super hot lady who was also in Playboy.  That's good for my ding dong.  Check.  Okay, so now movie #4 in the series...  Okay, the back of the box told me "Wide-eyed freshman Danielle 'Daisy' Brooks' first days at Beckshire College are the best ever."  Very nice.  "...secretive close-knit sisterhood..."  Okay, good, good.  "...hot-blooded temptress..."  Even better.

Oh no...  I said the movie premiered on Lifetime.  It's a Lifetime TV movie.  I just went soft immediately.  I bet this doesn't have scenes that you can only see by going to Pornhub or SpankBang.  Sigh...  I was excited to watch this, but now I'm not so sure.  Even though this is a DVD that is "Not Rated", that doesn't mean it's "Unrated".  There's a big difference.  Unrated usually means a little more than R-rated, but avoids the dreaded NC-17 while still showing some pretty sweet business.  Not Rated is usually seen on old movies that were made before the current ratings system or for TV movies.  Well, dammit.  I'm still going to watch the fuck out of this.  It's got what is sure to be a bevy of hot chicks in it, but I can't count on boobs.

So, what I could pick up from the back of the box, this chick named Daisy (because of course she has a flower name as that is the thing with these movies) is invited to join a secret society called the Ivies.  They are hot and manipulative.  The box also says this is a "delicious thriller" with a "not-so-innocent country girl".

Let's watch some sexy college girl action...

Friday, August 25, 2017

Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992)

The final film of my Summer of Anniversaries event celebrates the 25th anniversary of Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth.

However, we're a couple weeks early on the celebration end.  Oddly enough, 1992 didn't have much for me to choose from.  1987 and 1997 had a bunch.  But in order to find something celebrating a 25th anniversary, I had to look to September.

September 11.

For a movie that takes place in New York City with all sorts of hell breaking loose.

With the Twin Towers appearing in the background of the poster.

Alright, that's enough about that shit.  Let's set the stage for today's ill-advised sequel.  In the late 1980s, Clive Barker's Hellraiser series was absolutely incredible.  The first film, no duh, named Hellraiser, was a low-budget, yet immensely successful, visceral body horror film that had lots of hallmarks of a Clive Barker story: weird sex stuff, lots of gore, weird sex stuff, dirtbags, weird sex stuff, and weirdly sexy stuff.  Considering it was made on a lean $1 Million budget, and ended up grossing $14 Million, of course it would get a sequel, Hellbound: Hellraiser II, just a year later.  Again, it followed the weird body horror and sex stuff ending with Pinhead, the lead Cenobite, a hedonistic angel/demon creature, defeated.  With the movies being so incredibly popular among horror fans, of course the franchise would continue.

Yet, it took almost four full years for the third to be made and released.  But right out of the gate, you knew something was off.  The first two films were uniquely British.  They were filmed in England and, despite starring an American actress, Ashley Laurence, just overall kept that feeling that the events were taking place in a small town in the countryside in England.  When you see enough of these stylistic movies, you just get a feel that makes it uniquely British, or Italian, or German, or whatnot.

And if you're curious what a uniquely German feels like...  Just look for the weird scat sex that happens in all their films.  All of them.  In every German movie, there's usually someone literally shitting on the other's chest during sex.

All of them.

Not only did the British atmosphere go missing in the new Hellraiser III movie, but, through a series of events after Barker's Nightbreed failed at the box office, Barker was basically shut out of the making of the third installment until very late in post production.  So the film had mostly an American feel AND made pretty much entirely independent from the supervision of the guy who made the first two movies very popular.

As for the synopsis, I will look to my six-film The Hellraiser Collection set.  According to the back of the box: "A TV reporter discovers the Lament Configuration Box which opens the door to the Cenobites' demonic world of pleasure and pain.  Now, Pinhead walks the Earth again."

Let's dive in, shall we?

Friday, August 18, 2017

Steel (1997)

Shaq Attack!

Until today, I've only seen one Shaquille O'Neal movie ever - Blue Chips.  And that movie was "supposed" to be "good".  It wasn't.  If you want to watch a good movie about a basketball player going into college starring an actual basketball player, watch Spike Lee's He Got Game.

I'm already off topic.

The point I'm trying to make is that I like Shaq on the court.  I like Shaq on pre-game and halftime shows.  I like Shaq in commercials hocking insurance from The General.  But let's not deny the fact that, besides being a guy who I think is seemingly terribly nice and charismatic as a person, he can't act.

I tried for many, many years to avoid watching another Shaquille O'Neal movie, but then this fucking thing turned 20 years old and I do this blog and I am doing a "Summer of Anniversaries" thing and I've already featured a few superhero movies.

Fuck.

So!  That said, here's another shitty DC Comics movie.  Based on one of the "Supermen" who rose after the Death of Superman story in comics, the character of Steel, a.k.a. John Henry Irons, was a normal guy who built himself a suit of, no shit, steel to become a new "man of steel" in the absence of Superman.  This movie has nothing to do with any of that shit.

But what is it about?  According to Amazon Prime, Steel's premise is: "Shaquille O'Neal sheds his hi-tops for a dazzling suit of battle armor as the latest and greatest DC Comics superhero to wage war on crime."

I kinda don't think that was an accurate description of the movie I'm about to watch.  I doubt Steel is REALLY Shaquille O'Neal who literally tosses aside his sneakers to fight crime.  And...  Steel is not a bad character, but hardly the greatest from the pantheon of DC Comics.

That's Infectious Lass.

Look her up.

Friday, August 11, 2017

xXx (2002)

Fuck yeah, bro!  I finally get to talk about my favorite pastime...  XXX!  Porn!  Gross people doing gross shit to each other!!!

What's that?

Vin Diesel?  Asia Argento?  Tattoos?  Okay, well, I mean I guess Vin Diesel is okay.  Not sure I want to see his schlong, but Asia Argento?  I wanna see what tattoos she has in places that aren't usually available to the naked (heh) eye.  She's probably into some weird shit too...

Say what?

This isn't porn?  It's an over-the-top action flick capitalizing on The Fast and the Furious?  Even directed by the same guy who made that movie (Rob Cohen)?  Huh.  I've never heard of it.

Just kidding, folks, I saw this movie in the theater.  In fact, I've seen 66.7% of the xXx franchise in the theater.  Don't get me wrong, that doesn't make this movie any better whatsoever.  I'm just trying to frame the decision to make sure I covered this movie since it just turned 15 years old because this movie is real dumb.

Real, real, REAL dumb.

The back of my DVD box gives us this synopsis: "Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) is a notorious underground thrill-seeker who, until now, has been deemed untouchable by the law.  But when crack NSA Agent Gibbons convinces Cage to infiltrate a ruthless Russian crime ring, this new breed of secret agent (code name: XXX) takes down the enemies of justice with a vengeance in this high-octane, turbo-charged thrill-ride from the acclaimed director of The Fast and the Furious."

Pretty much the entire synopsis tells you exactly everything you need to know.  When this came out, James Bond was celebrating his 40th anniversary of his first film, and about to be seen in his 20th canonical movie.  There were some idiots out there who thought Bond was past his prime and dull and boring.  They mostly were the types who rode pussy crotch rockets or ruined beautiful classic muscle cars by tinkering the fuck out of them or supercharged shitty Honda Civics.  In other words, idiots.  They needed someone like this to be reminded that it was okay to be a needle dick douche because you at least got a cool car and some sick tats, bro.

Another couple things that stick out to me in the synopsis...  Why is a thrill-seeker deemed "untouchable" by law enforcement?  That doesn't make sense.  If you fuck up someone's shit, as we will see in Xander Cage's introduction scene, you pay for that.  It doesn't matter how muscly or shaved headed you are and how pip squeaky and nerdy they are.  You are a fucking asshole.

Finally, if you have a movie with a guy named Xander Cage as the lead star, of fucking course it will be Vin Diesel.  The box didn't have to put that fact in parentheses.  Neither did I for that matter, but whatever.  Let's get started on this movie.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Masters of the Universe (1987)

Remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned that this might be one of the very worst span of four weeks during one summer movie slate ever?  It started with July's Jaws: The Revenge and Superman IV: The Quest of Peace, and now ends with one of the more spectacular Cannon Films failures, Masters of the Universe.

The origin of how this movie came about takes root from the Mattel smash toy hit of the same name.  Trust me, when I was little, everyone had He-Man toys.  We'd walk around and ask each other if they want to play "He-Mans" and usually had our figures in tow at all times.  We fucking loved this shit.  What's funny is that the toys were super cheaply made.  For the most part, every figure had the same overly muscular body spray-painted different colors with different heads and different accessories or attachments.  When you have a bunch of of the very same body for every male figure, it makes production costs quite a bit lower and gives you much more of a profit when these things sold like crazy hotcakes.

There were comics from DC Comics, a video game on Intellivision, and, of course, a super popular animated series on pretty much every day after school.  Much like G.I. Joe and Transformers, the He-Man cartoon pretty much was there to only boost further sales of the toy line.  But the popularity did not go unnoticed by Hollywood.  It was only a matter of time that a live action movie would be produced.

And lucky us...  It was Cannon Films that came along to deliver the goods.

Cannon was no stranger to big time flops of things that had no business being unsuccessful.  Superman IV was an utter disaster.  Over the Top starred the biggest star of the 80s, Sylvester Sallone, and was dead on arrival at the box office.  A second dumpster fire Allan Quatermain film also pushed Cannon to the financial brink.

All of the movies listed above were also released in 1987.  It was simply dud after disaster after shitcake slathered in body oil.

As kids, we were all overjoyed that He-Man would finally come to the big screen.  We thought the Russian bad guy from Rocky IV also looked the part as well.  So what could possibly go wrong?  It's really hard to fuck up what's essentially a "swords and sandals" movie that has some sci-fi elements tossed in for good measure.  I mean... Right?

Right?

Friday, July 28, 2017

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

Remember when Lindsay Lohan was, perhaps, one of the biggest young, rising stars in Hollywood?  Also, she was really super hot?

Of course you do.  What you probably don't remember all that well, is that her rising star and super hot lady thing lasted an extremely short period in time.  It was like a frozen moment that we all remember being at least a little longer than the one or two years that she possessed those titles.  We look back on that time in which she starred in Mean Girls and had a couple really nice photo spreads in your Maxims, Details, or whatever as if we're looking at a mosquito in amber .

That star fell kinda fast.  Now, I don't know the lady, and I'd probably like to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I think she probably enjoyed her sudden fame a little too much.  Soon, she was seen drinking and doing drugs and things just went downhill.

That period of her skidding from stardom begins right around time she was making this movie.  Ten years ago yesterday, I Know Who Killed Me was released.  Supposedly there were some health issues and rehab problems during the filming of this movie, but still, this seemed to have the hallmarks of something guys would have probably wanted.  This is an R-rated movie that features a young, hot starlet opening the movie as a stripper.  There's a good girl/bad girl element in which you don't know if her character, "Dakota" (a total stripper name, by the way), is this good girl of a family who believes they have recovered their missing daughter or if she is the bad, damaged stripper likely loaded with all sorts of daddy issues.

These are things dudes (at the very least) would be way into.  The general feel of a saucy murder mystery novel could appeal to bored housewives.  So...  Why is this movie the beginning of the end of Lindsay Lohan's fame?

Because it is a little too bonkers for it to truly appeal to anyone.

From the back of the DVD box, the synopsis reads: "Aubrey Fleming (Lohan) was living the small town life, until the day she was abducted by a sadistic killer.  After a frantic search, Aubrey turns up alive, but changed.  She is missing limbs, but has gained a new personality - that of bad girl Dakota Moss.  Her parents and the FBI think she's suffering from delusions, but if 'Dakota' is just a trick of her mind, why do strange wounds keep appearing on her body?  Desperate and alone, Aubrey must now unlock family secrets to unmask a mysterious killer with a deadly obsession."

That's a whole lotta stuff in that synopsis.  Let's dive in and see if we can sort it all out.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

What's this?  Another utterly disappointing fourth film in a franchise to be released in July of 1987?  You bet it is!

In a span of four weeks in the middle of the summer of 1987, moviegoers had to be subjected to Jaws: The Revenge from Universal, this week's feature, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, and Masters of the Universe.  The latter two being massively popular intellectual properties for young kids - both released by Cannon Films.

That's fucking depressing to know that much shit flew out of screens into your face in such a short period of time.

But enough about last week (and what's coming for you all in two weeks).  Let's talk about Superman IV.  In 1983, Superman III dealt with the Man of Steel taking on computer genius Richard Pryor and his maniacal bosses who wanted to... control the weather.  There were certainly enjoyable things like Clark  Kent going back to Smallville for his high school reunion and reconnecting with his crush, Lana Lang, but there are all sorts of other problems that were a little too much to ignore like we could with the first two films in the series.  That equaled a diminished profit margin compared to the other films and left Warner Brothers trying to figure out where to go from there.  When Supergirl failed in 1984, producers Ilya and Alexander Salkind all but abandoned Supes thinking their series was dead.

Enter Cannon Films who purchased the rights to produce further films in the series.  When they budgeted Superman IV for less than $20 Million, it proved to be an all around bad marriage for Superman and the Golan-Globus Group.  Reused shots from the much more expensive and well-made Warner films and reused effects from within this movie itself proved that you can't really cut corners on something like Superman.

You may be curious, before we start, what the movie is actually about.  Well, it's nothing more than Superman has decided to take it upon himself to rid the world of our nuclear weapons and enforcing peace across the planet.  That's the main gist of this plot.  And if you think that sounds weird, you're fucking right!  Superman is traditionally a symbol for hope and a shining example of what we should aspire to.  He rarely interferes in a way that makes decisions FOR us instead of to HELP us find solutions for ourselves.  That's the Golan-Globus way, though.  Most of their action flicks were very conservative almost to the point of a harsh, near-fascistic order being established by their heroes.  I could spend hours writing about that with examples, but I won't.  I'm here for Superman and that's what we're gonna talk about, goddammit!

Oh, and if you are one of those assholes who think Man of Steel, or Batman v. Superman, or even Spider-Man 3, either of The Amazing Spider-Man movies, any Fantastic Four movie, or Batman and Robin are the worst mainstream superhero films, then I want to punch your fucking face in because this one is like the makers simply took a steaming shit on the filmstock and processed it, thus releasing nothing more than a brown shit stain all over the movie screen in every theater across the country.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

Oof magoof...  Talk about your ill-advised sequels.

1975's Jaws is a cinematic triumph in proportions never seen before.  It broke box office records.  It was the first, true "blockbuster".  It changed the way movies are released.  Hell, it created what would become the "summer movie".

The funny thing is, it shouldn't have worked out the way it did.  The production was a disaster with mechanical sharks used to depict "Bruce the Shark" constantly breaking down and nearly unusable to the point that direct Steven Spielberg had to become incredibly creative on how he shot the shark.  The production shot at sea which caused lots of problems when unwanted boats simply drifted into frame.  The film went way beyond schedule and way over budget.

Still, it became a cinematic masterpiece and put Spielberg on the map to make pretty much whatever he wanted forever.

Due to the overwhelming success of the film, Universal simply couldn't let it go with a single film.  They ordered a sequel no one wanted to do.  It did okay at the box office.  A third movie was made and released during the early 80s short-lived 3-D craze that turned out to be an utter mess.  So, in 1987, a fourth movie, directed by Joseph Sargent, was made ignoring the plot of the third film of the series.  Gone were any of the original actors from either of the first two movies save for Lorraine Gary as Ellen Brody.  Add in Michael Caine, and an insane plot, and, massively diminishing profits be damned, you've got yourself a Jaws 4.

Oh boy, do you have yourself a Jaws 4...

What's this movie about?  Well...  A shark attacks Amity, Massachusetts.  Again.  And Ellen Brody, wife of our heroic town sheriff from the first two Jaws movies, starts to think something is quite a bit different about this attack.  This time, she thinks, it's personal!

Yeah.  A shark is personally attacking the Brody family.  No shit...  Universal sold this movie with the tagline "This time it's personal."  I'm not kidding you.  Don't believe me that they tried this story for this film?  Let's take a look at the evidence!

Friday, July 7, 2017

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Earlier this summer, Spider-Man 3 turned 10 years old.  It's really odd to think about that.  The third of Sam Raimi's Spider-Man Trilogy is only 10 years old.

Since the release of this movie, ALL of the Avengers movies have been released - among all the other outlying Marvel movies.  DC has now created four movies in their own expanded universe.  There have been 7 X-Men movies - including an entire trilogy of Wolverine movies and a completely rebooted X-Men series.

And as of today, Spider-Man himself has been rebooted twice.

I'm handling Spider-Man 3 a couple months late from its actual anniversary because Spider-Man: Homecoming is fresh off the presses and in movie theaters.  It's time to take a look back on one of the kookier superhero movies ever made.

That's why it's here.  It's Sam Raimi at his Sam Raimi-est.  This is a guy who has specific look and feel and style to his movies that is best described as over the top.  His style was perfectly suited for his Spider-Man films.  It felt like a comic book in its bright imagery and how characters interacted with each other.  There are little things between characters (like Kirsten Dunst's Mary Jane being totally incapable of simply calling Tobey Maguire's Spidey by anything less than his full name - "Peter Parker") that almost builds deep relationships.  You know, like you see in the actual comics over decades?

But what went wrong?  Spider-Man was great.  Spider-Man 2 was amazingly great.  When did the train derail and ultimately spiral Spidey down the drain with the rest of Sony?  That's what I'm going to try to figure out.  It's more than this simply being a bad movie.  It's...  Well it just is.

As for the plot, after the events of battling the Green Goblin and Dr. Octopus, Spider-Man is riding high.  His lady love, Mary Jane has run out on her own wedding to another dude to choose him, and he's becoming more and more beloved by the city of New York.  However, his best friend, Harry (masterfully played over the top by James Franco), still blames him for the death of his father (the aforementioned Green Goblin), the arrival of a strange black goo that literally drops out of the sky, and a new suitor in the form of the lovely Gwen Stacy makes life for Peter Parker a little more difficult.

Let's tear the top off this and let the Venom out.

Friday, June 30, 2017

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972)

45 years ago today, the fourth of the Planet of the Apes movies was released to theaters - Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.

By this point, 20th Century Fox knew they had a marketable franchise.  They hit it big in 1968 with the original Planet of the Apes that created a world where apes were king and men were not much more than beasts of burden.  There are three main things remembered from the first film: 1) the original reveal of the gorillas hunting down humans in a cornfield, 2) "Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!", and 3) the end reveal that Taylor (Charlton Heston) had only time traveled to the future of Earth and not to a distant planet.

The movie made six times its budget in North America and was a certified hit.  The second film, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, worked on a smaller budget, but still grossed four times its budget.  Considering Taylor blew up the planet with a nuclear device, the request for a third film might have seemed a bit odd, but Fox figured out a way to do this by sending the main apes characters of Cornelius, his wife Zira, and their scientist buddy Milo to the Earth of the past.  They don't explain it well, but Escape from the Planet of the Apes featured the apes in 1973 Earth, and it wasn't without its fun - until the end when Cornelius and Zira were brutally murdered.  The third entry cost half as much as the second, but grossed six times its budget.

The trend of diminishing of box office grosses actually wasn't that big of a deal because Fox kept cutting the budgets with each subsequent film.  So that brings us to today's entry, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.  It takes place about 18 years after the previous movie and follows Cornelius and Zira's son, Caesar.  Now being cared for by zookeeper Armando (Ricardo Montalban), Caesar must keep his ability to speak under wraps or risk capture.  Apes are now being trained as slave labor, partially to replace dogs and cats who were all killed by a mysterious disease, but also because they were smarter and could do more than simply provide companionship.  The film also fills in the cracks of how the apes rose up to overthrow the humans on the top of the food chain, and plays out the scene discussed in the previous movie when one ape stood in defiance of his human masters by uttering a single word.

There you have it.  Before we get started, two things I will mention.  First, I believe this is actually the best of original Apes sequels.  It tells an interesting story of what a bleak future might be like and how we essentially let our hubris destroy our own society.  Second, some themes in the 2011 Rise of the Planet of the Apes film plays off of this movie, but not an official remake.  I think it is at least safe to say that some of the themes and ideas, if nothing more than on a spiritual level, was good enough for these much more serious and higher budget Apes movies of the current era.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Megaforce (1982)

Ah Megaforce.  What took me so long to come around to you?

I think I probably subconsciously waited for this exact moment - to commemorate Megaforce's 35th anniversary of release.  There's a bit of insanity surrounding this masterful piece of cinematic art.  First, you probably didn't know that it has a deep connection to another 1982 classic sci-fi movie - Blade Runner.  Yeah.  There was a film company in Hong Kong who put together the funding for MegaForce, Blade Runner, and two other films to hopefully breakthrough in the United States.  All of them were box office failures (well...  technically High Road to China was not a failure, just forgotten).

Megaforce's release also came with an Atari 2600 game.  That game seems like a whole lotta garbage and flashing and explosion sounds that just all add up to it being complete nonsense.  At least it knew what scene to center the game around.  The film was directed by stuntman-turned-director Hal Needham who was usually known for making movies that involved fast cars and Burt Reynolds (The Cannonball Run, Smokey and the Bandit, Hooper - you get the picture).  This being is only venture into sci-fi Needham would attempt.  While I think it was only natural to pick him for what the movie had in it and was about, it was probably a stretch to think he was going to be able to piece all this together.

So, before we start in, I will give you a quick rundown of what the movie is about.  Megaforce follows Ace Hunter (Barry Bostwick) who leads an elite task force of adventurers who uphold justice.  Then, Ilia from Star Trek: The Motion Picture (Persis Khambatta) shows up and asks for their help to fight off an aggressive neighboring country.  Khambatta is the girl oddly dressed as a Bond Girl on the poster there.  Even though she is a high ranking, combat veteran army lady.  Pffft...  and people are confused why there's such hub bub around the importance and success of this year's Wonder Woman movie.  Anyway, Hunter decides to help this small republic fight their foes, led by Hunter's rival Gueerra (Henry Silva from the wonderful vampire film I covered last year, Thirst).

There you have it.  Let's get this kooky action/adventure movie rolling!

Friday, June 16, 2017

Batman and Robin (1997)

Holy fishdicks, Batman!  This week's B-Movie Enema feature is, without a doubt, one of the most reviled comic book movies ever.  This (along with another fourth movie in its franchise I'll be talking about later this summer) effectively killed a relatively popular and very profitable Batman franchise.

Since it turns 20 this week, and this is a summer in which I'll be focusing on those movies celebrating anniversaries, of course I'll be featuring Batman and Robin.

But maybe a good question to start with is "Why?'  Why am I featuring this movie on a blog called B-Movie Enema?  Well, yes, most of the movies I write about could be labeled as a "B" movie - a label given to low budget movies (or, more classically, a shorter, cheaper movie to accompany a more prestigious one in the old double feature era of theaters).  Hell, some of them go much further down the alphabet than that.  I also look at the overall quality.  If the movie is overly melodramatic or exploits anything in any way, it could potentially fit that "B-movie" feel.  Granted, there are movies that are exploitation or go so over the top that they end up being silly, but there's also a feel to the movies that gives your gut and brain all the indicators that you're watching what can only be described as a "B" level movie.

That's what we have here with Batman and Robin.  It's pretty common knowledge now that director Joel Schumacher's vision and ideas for his two Batman movies were far different than Tim Burton's.  Schumacher seemed to not even watch Burton's '89 classic or '92 sequel.  He decided that his Batman films would be much brighter, grander, and utterly insane in how it was acted - particularly by side characters and the villains.  Schumacher was going for more of the campy 60s style of the old TV version of the character.

All that led to what we have here - something of a beautiful disaster.  I make it very well known that I do actually like Schumacher's first Batman film, Batman Forever, much more than Burton's second, Batman Returns.  I'm not going to go too far into my reasons why, but a lot of it had to do with the script for Returns and Jim Carey's kooky Riddler in Forever.  I still say that I was completely floored by Batman and Robin.  We saw the trailers.  We knew something seemed odd about it.  Never mind that George Clooney was now stepping into the cowl as Batman (marking the third Batman in as many films behind Michael Keaton and Val Kilmer).  That's okay.  I'm a James Bond and Doctor Who fan.  I can handle casting changes.  The trailer should have warned everyone that this movie was out of its mind.

It's like you're walking down the street and you see a possibly homeless, but definitely unbathed, fella with a sign about how doomsday is coming and you need to repent your sins.  He's missing important teeth and shouting crazy stuff at people while spittle flies through the gaps made by those missing teeth.  You know you shouldn't let him stop you and force you into a conversation about whether or not you think you've already been saved by Jesus.  You know what will happen if you engage this person.  You just know what will happen if you give the fella any of your attention.  So what do you do?  You walk straight up to the guy and tell him you've not been saved by Jesus.  This turns into a pretty painful 125 minutes of your life you will never get back.

That's what Batman and Robin is.  You walked straight up to that motherfucking box office, bought a ticket, you even smiled when you handed over your money, you went to the concession stand and ordered popcorn and a soda, and engaged the crazy to the point that you wanted to claw the skin off your fucking face.

And I'm about to do it all over again...  Roll film.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Rollercoaster (1977)

This week's B-Movie Enema entry is celebrating its 40th anniversary this very weekend.  It's Universal Pictures' Rollercoaster.

Rollercoaster was simply another in the decade-long string of "disaster films" that started at the very dawn of the 1970s with Airport.  It became such a genre in itself that you can almost think of that as being the same thing back then as we see now with superhero movies.  While the 70s were the "golden age" of the disaster flick, the genre still exists to this day.  Movies featuring high drama in the face of incredible tragedy still come out in fairly high numbers.  Anything that stars a relatively large cast that ends with a lot of them dead and a lot of others barely making it through whatever the disaster wrought could basically be labeled as one of these disaster films.

Let's face it.  This is also a perfect choice for the blog during a summer month.  What says summer more than an amusement park and roller coasters?

This one in particular stars George Segal, Richard Widmark, Timothy Bottoms, Susan Strasberg, and Henry Fonda.  Yeah, Academy Award winner Henry Fonda is in a movie I'm featuring on my dumb blog.  I'm really taking this up a notch in class.  The basic plot of this movie is that a "determined terrorist" (Bottoms) is targeting a popular roller coaster and the riders for senseless destruction.  It's up to the park's safety inspector (Segal) to stop him.  That's really all there is to it, but I should warn you, this movie clocks in at a full 119 minutes.  That's nearly two full hours of a guy chasing a terrorist trying to blow up roller coasters.  It might be a pretty long night for me.

So let's not waste a second more.  Let's see some wanton destruction and disaster!

Friday, June 2, 2017

Piranha DD (2012)

Man...  Now that I've survived Asylum Month, I'm not sure I can contain my excitement.  Frankly, I wasn't sure if I could carry on with anything other than sitting around a living room littered with empty pizza boxes while I go unshaven and unbathed and gorging myself on ice cream straight from the container.

However, the darkness parted and here we are - June.  I've survived the darkest month of my life since I resurrected this blog a little over a year ago and I'm ready to celebrate.  So!  I bring to you the start of a summer full of anniversaries!  Starting this week until the end of August, I'll be shifting my focus not only on movies that are celebrating some sort of anniversary ending with either a 0 or a 5, but I'm also getting back to basics.  Shitty movies that bring the simplest of pleasures - monsters, shitty stories, titties, dumbness, and a few halfway decent things mixed in.  We start with this week's movie - Piranha DD (or Piranha 3DD if you saw it on the big screen with 3D glasses to make dem dubba d's leap off the screen and practically motorboat themselves on your face) which celebrates the fifth anniversary since its release this upcoming week.

Am I selecting this movie as a bit of a softball lob over the plate after a particularly harrowing Asylum Month?  You betcha!  Am I selecting this primarily on the promise of seeing giant jugs on hot women in bikinis?  Oh my god, yes I am!  Have I seen the 2010 Piranha 3D that this sequelized?  Um...  No.  No, I have not.

Do I care?  You bet your fuckin' bippy I don't care one bit!

I'm so renewed after shedding the exoskeleton of The Asylum that I don't even care about the synopsis.  All I know is this movie has boobies, killer fish, Ving Rhames with gun legs, and the lovely Danielle Panabaker.  That's all I need.  I'm excited to get back to basics and watch a silly movie with lots of things I like, so let's get to it already!

Friday, May 26, 2017

Independents' Day (2016)

The Asylum Month thankfully comes to a close as we look at another dumb titled movie that is meant to capitalize off dumb fuckshit people willing to rent absolutely anything from Family Video to dumb down their fuckface brains and think they "done seen that one movie that came out last week at the video store!"

Fuck.  I'm angry.  The world is shit.  Everything good and right in this world sucks donkey balls.  The Asylum has sucked the soul out of me.  I'm not exactly sure how to go on after a month of giant spiders fighting army chicks, a shitty Sherlock Holmes, and the worst fucking movie I've ever laid eyes on.  Now this.  Now this dumb fucking movie with a dumb fucking title...

Independents' Day.  The fuck does that mean?  Yes, I get what Independent is.  I understand someone is a Dependent.  And that group of people would be DependentS.  I've never seen the world Independent used as a noun - singular OR plural OR in a possessive sense.

And look at that DVD cover.  I 100% guarantee that this is another movie of bullshit army people led by a fucking douchebag on the level of... I dunno.  Name the worst, most douchiest person you can think of.  These fucks are going to be at least that.  Oh, and I bet the special effects are gonna be god awful too.

Okay, Amazon Prime, tell me what this is about: "After aliens invade Earth and destroy all our nuclear arsenal, they give us a choice: either emigrate to a new, better planet or be killed.  While most earthlings resign themselves to leaving, the President of the United States turns to a rogue militia to fight back and expose the truth before the human race is obliterated."

So our heroes are going to be members of a rogue militia given special powers by the president?  Fuck you, Asylum.  Fuck you in the dickhole.  Fuck you in the space underneath your fingernails, you fucking assholes.

Alright, let's get this thing a-rollin' so I can draw that warm bath and break in my new razor blades.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Sherlock Holmes (2010)

Oh boy...  After last week's utter debacle, I could certainly use a little British classiness to bounce back.  Too bad it's still an Asylum fuckfest abortion.

Sherlock Holmes, as a character, first appeared in print in 1887 and was an immediate success for author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  I could spend a long time giving you more history about the character being one of the most famous detectives in all of history, and how many books he was in, and what have you, but I'll save that for Wikipedia to tell you all about.

No, the origin of this entry in the Asylum library comes from Holmes' popularity in film and television.  From Basil Rathbone to Peter Cushing to Benedict Cumberbatch to even Tom Baker, Sherlock Holmes has been thrilling audiences since the earliest days of film.  In 2009, director Guy Ritchie teamed Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law as Holmes and John Watson, respectively, and the film was a super success.  It even spawned a sequel two years later.

I haven't seen that movie, but I'm watching this fuckin' cheap ripoff!

The Asylum, always eager to cash in on other studios' hard work and actual competent filmmaking, decided they would give Sherlock Holmes the ol' college try with this 2010 insane-o story about a detective in Victorian England dealing with dinosaurs and other assorted problems that plag...

Wait, what?  Sherlock Holmes Vs. DINOSAURS???  No.  No way.  Nuh uh.  Dinosaurs?  Surely this is some sort of joke.  I mean, sure, the cover of the DVD above shows a T-Rex and some sort of fire-breathing monster, and what appears to be a kraken...  Wait...  Really???  This has to be a marketing gimmick.  Surely Amazon Prime's synopsis will help sort this out.  Here, let's see what it says:

"Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's famous detective faces the ultimate challenge when enormous monsters attack London."

Well, I'll be a motherfucker.  There's not much more I can say.  We've got Sherlock Holmes going up against giant monsters in Victorian London.  Seriously...  What more can I say?  What word could I possible use to describe the emotions I'm feeling before I click "Watch Now" on my browser?  Oh, this should do it:

Fuck.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Atlantic Rim (2013)

Round 2 of my month long battle against The Asylum, makers of crap and shit that I disdain since, like, I dunno...  2004 or something.  I don't care how long they've been at this.  This time, I have a real offensive one: Atlantic Rim.

This is an instance where The Asylum simply took the title to a movie coming out (i.e. Pacific Rim), and modified it only slightly to give it a new title that cannot lead to a lawsuit against them, but, yet, still keep some sort of visual similarity to the movie it is ripping off.

I really loved Pacific Rim.  I mean, how could I not?  Giant robots fighting giant monsters?  That's just about every 40 year old manchild's dream come true!  It was Guillermo Del Toro's take on the classic kaiju craze from Japan.  Giant monsters rise from the Pacific Ocean and wreak havoc all across the Pacific Rim.  Giant monster killing robots from Japan, China, Russia, and the United States fight back and discover the origin of the monsters - an inter-dimensional rift at the bottom of the Pacific that the monsters crawl out of to attack Earth.

That's fuckin' rad.

What's Atlantic Rim about?  The Amazon Prime synopsis reads: "When giant monsters crawl out of the Atlantic Ocean and attack the Eastern Seaboard, the US Government is forced to trust A.I. robots to defend the country."  So...  It's Pacific Rim but the robots are A.I.s and not controlled by humans.  Also it takes place on the Eastern Seaboard instead of the Pacific.  And this is The Asylum so it's gonna suck.

Ugh.  Okay.  Let's roll film.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)

Sigh.

You people suck.  I mean it.  You guys are real assholes.

A couple months ago, I put out the call to action for B-Movie Enema Facebook followers to vote for what my May 2017 theme was going to be.  You had marvelous choices.  You could have picked more 80s horror (I subscribe to an entire channel on YouTube that I wanted to pull from).  You could have picked Cannon Films.  You could have chosen the chance to revisit movies from the 50s, 60s, and 70s.  Hell, you could have picked to send me to the Sharknado series!  Shark-fucking-nado!

No.  Some jerk swung in in the waning minutes of the poll on Survey Monkey and put a month of mockbusters from The Asylum over the top.  So, here I am.  Watching movies I'm gonna hate because I truly despise these dumb flicks cranked out from The Asylum.

Who is The Asylum?  Simply put, they are a company that makes movies on the cheap to pump out onto the Syfy Channel or direct to DVD.  They make all sorts of movies from science fiction to horror to comedies to even animated movies now and Christian movies.  However, the claim to fame for The Asylum is the mockbusters they produce.

A mockbuster is a movie that is purposely aping off an expected big-budget, high popularity movie with the intent to trick those who are a little less than a layman movie fan to think that the movie they are renting on demand or buying at a store IS the major studio movie they saw advertisements for around the same time.  The names are very similar and very easy to confuse as you will see in a couple examples I'll cover this month.

Then, there are movies like this week's feature - Journey to the Center of the Earth.  Books like this by Jules Vernes, or books by H.G. Wells are either very cheap to option for a movie or enough in the public domain that anyone can make an adaptation if they wish.  It just so happens that this came out at the same time as a big budget version of the movie at the same time from New Line Cinema starring Brenden Fraser.  I'm gonna guess the New Line movie is a tad more faithful to the book, but what's the synopsis for the Asylum version?  From Amazon Prime: "A group of scientists is performing a teleportation experiment, but something goes wrong, and the team ends up at the center of the earth, where they just manage to send off a distress signal before being hunted by a dinosaur."

Okay, so let's finally get this rolling.  I don't have all day to sit around and procrastinate about this stupid theme month...

Friday, April 28, 2017

Paradise (1982)

Let's jump back, for a moment, to 1980.  At the time, a young actress by the name of Brooke Shields was considered both a very pretty girl, and an up and coming actress.  In 1978, Shields starred in a movie called Pretty Baby which covered the taboo topic of child prostitution in the early 20th century.  She was 12 at the time of shooting, and she appeared nude in the film.  If you were 10 to maybe 15 years old at the time, you might have thought that was the tits, but if you were older, you'd probably be some sort of sex weirdo if you found any pleasure in that.

Now, two years later, in 1980, Shields would go on to appear in the very popular The Blue Lagoon, about two young kids being marooned on an island where they grow up in their own ways learning how to express their sexual and romantic feelings toward one another and even giving birth a child.  Again, plenty of opportunity for Shields to be naked, but this time, she testified on record that an of-age body double was used for the scenes in which her character's breasts were exposed.  Any shots of her that would reveal both her face and her body were cleverly shot with hair covering her bits or shot from different angles as not to show anything.

As an aside, one year later, Shields appeared in Endless Love which is also about a young girl getting plowed.  What was it with everyone wanting to have sex with an underage Brooke Shields?

Now that I've bored you with those details about all these lurid movies Brooke Shields appeared in that sexualized her before she turned 18, let's talk about the final feature in Phoebe Cates Month - Paradise.

It's a ripoff of The Blue Lagoon.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Date with an Angel (1987)

I think I'm going to wish I had picked a different movie to include in Phoebe Cates Month.  I mean, Shag is a charming little movie (despite how awkwardly I was turned on by dance numbers including the Confederate flag).  Baby Sister was actually much better than I expected a disposable movie of the week to be.  Next week's movie, Paradise, has a whole lot going for it despite it being a pretty bad knockoff of an already bad movie.

But, no, I had to include 1987's Date with an Angel.

Billed as a romantic comedy, the trailer for the movie doesn't seem to have a single goddamned joke in it.  In fact, there's not much romance in it either.  There's the guy from All My Children, Michael E. Knight, who I totally know because that was my mom's soap opera of choice for my entire life, and a girl with an incredibly out of control head of blonde curls, Emmanuelle Beart (who was in Mission: Impossible with Tom Cruise) who doesn't speak but makes weird noises that ranges from squeaks to chirps to dolphin sounds.  I guess she's an angel too?  I mean, that poster sure as shit indicates she's an angel, but the preview doesn't really tell you for sure.

And where's our girl, Phoebe?  Well, she's there too.  I guess she's Knight's girlfriend who spends most of the trailer acting like an utter crazy person.  You know what that means, right?  Yeah, I'm likely going to be even more attracted to Phoebe in this movie than normal and I'm totally going to side with her.  Crazy chicks own me.  They. Own. Me.

Er...  Whatever.  So what's going on with this movie?  Our synopsis for this comes from Amazon, where I actually purchased this hunk of junk for like $10 or something.  It reads, "Aspiring composer Jim Sanders wakes up to discover a beautiful, broken-winged angel in his pool.  When everyone finds out, Jim must cope with his jealous fiance, his exploitive future father-in-law and his buddies who have an outrageous business plan!"

There's an exclamation point at the end of that synopsis.  That's never a great sign.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Baby Sister (1983)

Phoebe Cates Month rolls on with our next movie, the 1983 possibly-sultry-but-maybe-not-tv-movie Baby Sister!

After Cates dove into all our fantasies in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (her second film role, and if you can just hold your damn horses for a couple more weeks, we will certainly be discussing the first film role), she was able to continue to work relatively steadily for the next few years.  Later in 1983, she would get another big-time part in the coming of age comedy Private School before returning to TV to deliver this cherry line in the miniseries Lace where she played a sex symbol actress searching for her natural mother.

Then she was in Gremlins and rounded out one of the most perfect movies ever made.  And sincerely go fuck yourself if you don't agree with that assessment.  You might get a voucher for a pass if you say Gremlins 2 is more perfect.  You're still wrong, but I'll give you a little bit of a pass because that movie is goddamn awesome too even if it isn't as perfect as the first.

Baby Sister aired on ABC on March 6, 1983 and I have to admit that I'm glad to be taken back to the days of Sunday Night Movies that were so popular before cable stations horned in on making their own content.  The synopsis on IMDb is fairly simple: "Immature dropout Annie concocts a scheme to get her older sister's live-in boyfriend to date her instead."

Two things.  First, that seems way too simple for an entire movie so hopefully there's something more going on there.  Second, listen, honey, if your sister is Phoebe Cates, you stand a pretty good chance of losing.  Unless you're Alyssa Milano.  Or Bea Arthur.

I've said too much.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Shag: The Movie (1989)

It's a new month and a new opportunity to have a new theme.

Back in December, I covered Alyssa Milano in a way that only a real creep, or possibly that undertaker character Tom Petty played in the "Last Dance with Mary Jane" video, could.  That was a way to look at the body of work of a 90s dream girl who blossomed into a girl who really liked making movies teenage boys liked to watch.  For April, I decided to step back to the 1980s and talk about another brunette vixen that boys love to this day - Phoebe Cates.

Phoebe Cates came into acting after a relatively successful modeling career in her teenage years.  Her first film was a Blue Lagoon ripoff called Paradise and co-starred Willie Aames in his pre-Bibleman days (and you better fucking believe that will be talked about before the end of this month).  In her second film, she would make a HUGE splash (no pun intended) in Fast Times at Ridgemont High when a topless fantasy of Judge Reinhold's became cemented in every Gen Xer's naughtiest of thoughts.

Like our previously featured leading lady, Milano, Cates had a dangerous mix of being cute and lovable, but also incredibly sexy.  She could often be summed up in two different ways - she could easily be the girl next door that you've crushed on all your life and didn't really get a chance to woo and romance until gremlins invaded your small town, or she could be the girl in your math class that you fantasized about on a nightly basis because she was fucking cool as shit AND could teach Jennifer Jason Leigh how to give a blowjob with nothing more than a carrot.

Neither Gremlins or Fast Times will be featured this month.  Nor will Drop Dead Fred, because fuck you, I love that movie.  Instead I opted to pick some of her more obscure 80s movies to feature.  She, sadly, didn't have a deep pool of roles.  She ultimately would go into retirement by the mid-90s only to come out briefly in 2001's The Anniversary Party.  Since, she has focused her attentions on being wife to Kevin Kline and raising their children.

But enough about that for now.  We have a movie to talk about.  What is Shag: The Movie about anyways?  IMDb says: "Set in the Summer of 1963. Carson is getting married to her boyfriend so her friends Melaina, Pudge, and Luanne take her to Myrtle Beach for one last irresponsible weekend."

If you expect me to make any Austin Powers jokes during this article, go fuck yourself.  I'm all for making jokes about ding dongs and boobies and fart and poop, but I'm a little above making obvious Austin Powers jokes.  So stuff those expectations right in your ding dong and take a poopy fart.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Clinger (2015)

Okie doke.  It's the end of March.  It's also the point to which I have to take a break from all these Amazon Prime horror movies.  I wish I could say that Prime is the gift that keeps on giving, but man...  Each one of these is like I'm gambling.

Like I'm flopping my dickbag onto a little guillotine and then betting on Black on a Roulette wheel and hoping it doesn't land on Red.  And if it lands on one of the green spots, well...  I don't think I need to go into too much detail about where they'll shove my newly severed saddle bag.

In my butt.  That's where they'll shove it.

I kinda feel I'm batting .500 this month.  Sleepover and Spirit Camp were fairly decent attempts at a spooky ghost movie and an 80s style slasher, respectively.  On the other hand, Die Die Delta Pi and The Beckoning were short on capturing the charm of an 80s style slasher and a spooky ghost movie, respectively.  One of those downers was really bad.  Like REALLY bad.  But I digress.

Everything that is good on this planet is resting on Clinger - a 2015 horror/comedy.  The box sorta says it's "Fucking Amazing" so I guess that's something.  But what is it really about?  Amazon Prime says: "After Fern's overly affectionate high school boyfriend, Robert, dies in an embarrassing accident, he returns from the dead as a love-sick ghost and plots to kill Fern so they can be together forever.  Fern now has to fight to stay in the world of the living."

I think Robert might have meant to bet on Red but accidentally bet on Black and the resulting shock from seeing his scrotum disconnected from his crotch caused him to faint and his head landed on a rake that was, for some reason, lying next to the Roulette table with the raky bits up.  So he bet his beans, lost by accident, fainted after having them taken from him, and he passed out where he landed on a rake that killed him.

What's this?  How do I survive the near unending Roulette game that often lands on me getting my balls cut off?  Don't worry about it.  I have my secrets.

My terrible, terrible secrets and shame.  Utter and complete shame.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Spirit Camp (2009)

March, er, marches on, and next up on my tour of shitty 2000s horror thanks to Amazon Prime is 2009's Spirit Camp.  Admittedly, whenever I hear the title I think of the 1980s slasher movie involving cheerleaders called Cheerleader Camp.  While Cheerleader Camp had Leif Garrett and Lucinda Dickey and Betsy Russell and Teri Weigel, Spirit Camp has no one I recognize...

Wait...  Roxy Vandiver.  That sounds familiar.  When I watched the trailer for the movie there was this girl with bright blonde hair with super short punk girl cut.  She looks familiar.  I mean, instantly, I thought "Oh that's the girl I would be really into for no goddamn good reason and it would be a horrible idea for me to be into her."  But something was itchy in the back of my mind.  Wait.  Itchy?  Wigs make your head itch sometimes...

That's when it dawned on me.  Roxy Vandiver was the girl with the long red hair who just walked into a scene completely full frontal nude in the 1986 part in Die Die Delta Pi!  Sweet!  I liked what I saw there.  I like what I saw when she was wearing clothes in Spirit Camp's trailer (seriously, that was the first time I ever saw clothing on Roxy Vandiver - no shit).  Maybe I should have made March Roxy Vandiver Month.

Okay, so what's Spirit Camp all about, hm?  Amazon Prime says: "FRIDAY THE 13TH meets BRING IT ON! - When a street smart goth girl is forced to attend cheer camp as part of her rehabilitation from a juvenile correction facility, she clashes with the popular girls. But when members of the spirit squad start turning up dead, the girls must put aside their differences as they struggle to survive the murderous rage of a crazed psycho-killer lurking among them."

I will say the the trailer did feature a ton of pull quotes from outlets I never heard of talking about how funny and amazing this movie is.  I have my doubts.  I have serious, serious doubts.  However, these things don't watch themselves, so I suppose I should get a move on.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Die Die Delta Pi (2015)

I continue my tour of recent horror movies suggested to me by Amazon Prime, and I think today might just be either a treat or the worse experience of my life.

Die Die Delta Pi is a 2015 horror movie with roots that go back to the 1980s.  It's clear that the movie was made on something of a home brew.  What I mean by that is that it was made on the cheap with whatever the makers could get.  So we definitely have something that isn't going to look that great.nor be all that well acted.

That isn't anything new here, but I appreciate that everything about this movie, from the title, to the poster/DVD cover (as seen to the left), and the premise is born from the slasher movies of the 1980s.  We live in a time in which nostalgia reigns supreme in Hollywood.  Be it reboots (ugh, I hate that term because I feel like I hear it all the time), the lesser-used remakes, rehashes, or sequels that come a decade, or more, later, nostalgia has become a formulaic math equation to get people to buy or watch whatever intellectual properties are out there.

There are times it's done right.  Certainly if you look to things like Netflix's Stranger Things, you see the formula used well to blend 80s sensibilities to modern day storytelling.  It's true that my generation that grew up during the era of video stores, action movies, low-brow comedies, and slasher flicks is now in charge of what entertainment we see, hear, and read.  It's a way to reconnect people who reminisce on a daily basis about how great it was to walk into a video store, rent the latest Chuck Norris or Stallone action movie or finally get the opportunity to bring home Friday the 13th Part V because it was ALWAYS rented out every goddamn weekend, with what we see today.  If the guys making the movie know why those movies back then were so damn fun and fueled our imaginations so much, then something can be made that is amazing (i.e. Stranger Things).  If they don't, then it could be a bit of a disaster (i.e. name just about any remake/reboot made in the 21st Century).

So what do we have here with Die Die Delta Pi?  Well, let's see what Amazon Prime says is the synopsis: "27 years after a gruesome and devastating attack at the Delta Pi Sorority that wiped out half of its members, new Delta Pi Sisters move in and begin dying one by one. It is suspected the serial killer has returned but it's much more than that."

It's probably a bit too much to hope this is just like Fox's Scream Queens, but one can hope it at least has a portion of that charm and wit.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Sleepover (2016)

"It was supposed to be a fun night..."

I know that feeling.  I get that every time I sit down to write one of these damn blog posts.  It was supposed to be a fun night.  Then it goes to shit and I watch crappy movies and dissect them.  Oh well, it's my cross to bear.

I return to the world of Amazon Prime to explore more horror movies made in the 2000s.  This one, I admit, has something going for it.  Yeah, last week I watched a horror movie that followed an overused idea that what you saw was "based on true events" when, in fact, it's almost entirely bullshit.  Horror movies still do that by the way.  But I think most will say that the Conjuring movies are generally well made and get the pass for being as good as they are.

Now, it's time for another trope of 2000s horror - the found footage or first person filming of events.  1999's The Blair Witch Project, though hardly the first to do this, popularized the idea of found footage shot from the first person perspective of those in the movie.  Over time, and the next 17 years, this phenomenon would be used hundreds of times.  It led to the Paranormal Activity series and those led to increasing numbers of movies to follow the same idea - set up a camera and watch people watch for ghosts.  It's pretty boring if you ask me.  The Blair Witch Project was fresh, new, and incredibly tense.  Paranormal Activity sucks and pales in comparison.

I'd explain more about my thoughts and comparisons between the two movies, but that's not what we're here for this week.  Nope, we are here for 2016's Sleepover.  By far the most recent of any B-Movie Enema pictures.  I saw the suggestion come up on Amazon Prime and watched the trailer on YouTube.  At the very least, whoever made that trailer knew what they were doing because it seemed pretty creepy.  But what is the actual plot?

According to Amazon Prime: "A couple of girls get together for a sleepover in a large house.  As the night goes on, they begin to hear moaning sounds that are getting closer and closer.  One fo the girls suspects it is her fiance trying to scare them.  The girls begin to search room by room and it soon becomes clear that they are not alone."

Seems like something we can go with.  Let's get this flick rolling...

Friday, March 3, 2017

The Beckoning (2006)

Now that I've washed my hands of "Full Moon Fever" last month, it's time to move forward with B-Movie Enema.

For this month, I had to wonder what it was I would do for movies.  Seems like January had a series of movies that had bad things happen to good girls.  February was dedicated to Charles Band and his Full Moon Features.  I know April will be Phoebe Cates Month.

Oh...  Spoiler Alert!  April is Phoebe Cates Month.

But what about March?  Well, I was sitting around eating cheese and crackers, shirtless, one afternoon...  Because I'm a horribly lonely, disgusting person.  (I may have said too much.)  Anyway, I thought about how I always say I don't like "modern horror" movies.  I think that's a way for me to snobbishly drop the ax on any movie that I think "looks stupid" so I don't have to watch it.  However, I do this blog.  Most of these movies suck balls.  I make myself watch them.  Which is another way of saying I have to watch them.  Oh fuck it.

I have this Amazon Prime thing on the interwebs.  I decided to turn my gaze in that direction to check out some horror movies made in the 21st century.  I am probably going to wish I hadn't, but whatever.  That's how I landed here with 2006's The Beckoning (also known as The Chatterley Affair which sounds like another type of movie I'd feature on this blog).  This came suggested somehow through whatever algorithm used by Amazon to make suggestions for what movies to watch.  I watched the trailer and was mildly attracted to our lead star, Lindsy Drummer, but also intrigued by the shot-on-video look of it, and that it specifically states this shit is based on real life.  So...  Meh.  It'll do the trick for this week.

Here's what the Amazon Prime Video synopsis says: "This campy, horror suspense thriller, based on actual events, is packed with demonic spirits and repressed memories of a terrifying past life, as an innocent young co-ed discovers secrets so terrifying that they unleash a vengeance across the ages which play tug-of-war with her very soul.  Shot on the actual Northern California locations where these events took place, really."

Hmmpf.   First, that is the actual synopsis.  I didn't doctor it.  It really says "really" at the end as if to try to convince us that it's for really real.  Also, it used a ton of commas in one sentence, but not in every place it should be used.  I know I am not perfect, go fuck yourself, but we're looking at a low budget movie shot on video that demands critique.  Additionally, "terrifying" is used twice in that gigantic sentence.  Finally...  There are four ratings on Amazon for this movie.  They were all 1-star reviews.

Fuck.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Trancers (1984)

Mercifully, Full Moon Fever February is coming to an end.

All month, I had to deal with Charles Band.  I thought we started nicely with Puppet Master.  Then things went downhill with The Gingerdead Man and Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt.  So I spent my birth month begging for sweet release from this cursed existence.  Thank fuck it's here...

In the form of Tim Thomerson...

As Jack Deth.

Let's back up for a minute.  I briefly mentioned back in the Puppet Master article that Charles Band created Full Moon Features when his original company, Empire Pictures, folded in the late 1980s.  One of Band's more popular films from his Empire days is this week's feature - Trancers.

Let's not dilly dally around here, motherfuckers.  Let's jump right into the back of the DVD box for Trancers "I" from the "Trancers: The Definitive Collection DVD" set.  (Yes, I own this shit.  Thank you, Jason Oliver.  You are a fucking asshole for leaving this in my apartment.)  The plot is: "Welcome to Angel City, 2247.  Trooper Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) is wiping out the last disciples of Whistler, who used his psychic power to 'trance' those with inferior minds, forcing them to follow his every desire. Though he'd been thought dead, he's very much alive... in the year 1985. Whistler's master plan - kill the ancestors of the City Council. With the Council disbanded, nothing can stop him from controlling the city.  And that's where Deth comes in. Jack is sent back in time, inhabiting the body of his ancestor.  Just one problem, Whistler's ancestor is a police detective, and he's trancing people in 1985. With the help of a strong-willed punk girl, Lena (Helen Hunt), he must find and protect Hap Ashby, a former baseball pitcher now living on Skid Row, and confront Whistler.  The Trancers Saga begins."

That's a whole lotta words to fit on the back of a DVD box, but they did it.  They really did it.  They also said so much that I'm even wondering if I need to watch this.  There's a good guy and a bad guy.  There's a baseball player on Skid Row.  There's a punk girl played by Helen Hunt...  Wait.  Helen Hunt was pretty in the late 90s.  This is the mid 80s.  She's likely super hot in this movie.

Okay, you got me, Charles Band, my most vile of archenemies...  I'll play your game to see young Helen Hunt in action.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt (2011)

Well, because the sweet embrace of death didn't come to pass last week, I guess I have to continue Full Moon Fever.  At least there's a chick in her bra and panties on the cover of this week's movie!

Er...  I mean.  That had zero bearing on me choosing this movie - Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt.  No, that was the $2.95 price tag at the local Dollar General.

And the promise of tits.  Lots and lots of tits.

This is yet another Charles Band joint.  Remember, he's the head honcho over at Full Moon Features.  And since I've yet to cover a movie this month that wasn't made by him (or his father, Albert), I'm beginning to think he's the only employee of the studio.

What actually makes this movie interesting is that it is a sequel to a 1999 David DeCoteau film (directed under one of his pseudonyms, Richard Chasen) that was about an evil scientist that brought a killer eye monster thing from another dimension over to our world.  Here, it learned all about human sexuality.  It is most an eye on a giant tentacle.  I think you know what that means - that tentacle fucks a girl in the movie.  Not to be outdone, there are lots of shirtless guys and bulging cocks too.  So there's a little bit of everything for everyone because I believe David DeCoteau, being a gay man, really loves to thrust all the sex into your face.  Anyway, the killer eye went back to his dimension but not before knocking up a few girls.

Now, a dozen years later, we're given its sequel, Halloween Haunt, which exclaims "Five Hot Chicks! One Killer Eye!" on the back of the box.  It also tells us the synopsis: "When Jenna asks her four hot girlfriends to help convert an old mansion into a Halloween Haunt, they decide to party instead! Things get steamy between the girls, until they accidentally unless the half-pint, horrible Killer Eye, a perverse party crasher from beyond.  Bent on having his way, the Killer Eye will stop at nothing until he gets exactly what he wants."

Five hot girls who get steamy together at a party?  I'll be the judge of that.  Let's do this...

Friday, February 10, 2017

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Shit.
Shit.
Motherfucker.
Goddammit.
Shit.
Monkey dick.
Motherdammit.
Godshitting monkeyfucker nutdick.

Full Moon Fever continues.  Last week, I had a good time watching the cult classic Puppet Master.  I felt like I really got to see something good for the first time in 2017.  But I just couldn't stop there, could I?

Oh, no.  No, I just had to continue on plumbing the depths of the Full Moon Features catalog.  What turd did I fish out of the shitter this week?  Gary Busey as The Gingerdead Man.

Fuck.

By the time 2005 rolled around, Gary Busey had gone so far off the deep end he was hanging out in the Marianas Trench.  With Charles Band directing and producing, and his penchant already well in place for making crazy ass movies, throw Gary Busey into the mix and, well... oof.

Interestingly, this movie is billed as a Horror/Comedy and has an astounding 60% on Rotten Tomatoes.  Yeah, guys, this means it is considered "Fresh".  I mean it only has five total reviews, but three out of five ain't bad.  It's not as good as Meatloaf needing and wanting some rando chick, but it cuts the mustard on RT.

Let's get to the plot from the back of the DVD box: "In a quiet, small town diner, a deranged patron, Millard Findlemeyer (Gary Busey), opens fire on the Leigh family, killing all but the daughter, Sara Leigh (Robin Sydney). During the trial, Sara's testimony sends Millard to the electric chair and his ashes are sent to his mother.  In a vow of revenge, Millard's mother mixes her son's ashes with a secret gingerbread cookie mix, which makes its way into Sara Leigh's bakery.  When one of the bakery employees, Brick Fields (Jonathan Chase), cuts his arm and accidentally bleeds into the mixture, an old curse spawns a deadly 12" walking, talking, killing gingerbread cookie and wreaks havoc on anything standing in his way!"

Fuck.

And, really, movie?  Sara Leigh?  Fuck you.  I guess nobody does it like Full Moon.  Ugh.  I turn 40 tomorrow and this...  This is how I choose to live my life.