Friday, February 24, 2017
All month, I had to deal with Charles Band. I thought we started nicely with Puppet Master. Then things went downhill with The Gingerdead Man and Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt. So I spent my birth month begging for sweet release from this cursed existence. Thank fuck it's here...
In the form of Tim Thomerson...
As Jack Deth.
Let's back up for a minute. I briefly mentioned back in the Puppet Master article that Charles Band created Full Moon Features when his original company, Empire Pictures, folded in the late 1980s. One of Band's more popular films from his Empire days is this week's feature - Trancers.
Let's not dilly dally around here, motherfuckers. Let's jump right into the back of the DVD box for Trancers "I" from the "Trancers: The Definitive Collection DVD" set. (Yes, I own this shit. Thank you, Jason Oliver. You are a fucking asshole for leaving this in my apartment.) The plot is: "Welcome to Angel City, 2247. Trooper Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) is wiping out the last disciples of Whistler, who used his psychic power to 'trance' those with inferior minds, forcing them to follow his every desire. Though he'd been thought dead, he's very much alive... in the year 1985. Whistler's master plan - kill the ancestors of the City Council. With the Council disbanded, nothing can stop him from controlling the city. And that's where Deth comes in. Jack is sent back in time, inhabiting the body of his ancestor. Just one problem, Whistler's ancestor is a police detective, and he's trancing people in 1985. With the help of a strong-willed punk girl, Lena (Helen Hunt), he must find and protect Hap Ashby, a former baseball pitcher now living on Skid Row, and confront Whistler. The Trancers Saga begins."
That's a whole lotta words to fit on the back of a DVD box, but they did it. They really did it. They also said so much that I'm even wondering if I need to watch this. There's a good guy and a bad guy. There's a baseball player on Skid Row. There's a punk girl played by Helen Hunt... Wait. Helen Hunt was pretty in the late 90s. This is the mid 80s. She's likely super hot in this movie.
Okay, you got me, Charles Band, my most vile of archenemies... I'll play your game to see young Helen Hunt in action.
Friday, February 17, 2017
Er... I mean. That had zero bearing on me choosing this movie - Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt. No, that was the $2.95 price tag at the local Dollar General.
And the promise of tits. Lots and lots of tits.
This is yet another Charles Band joint. Remember, he's the head honcho over at Full Moon Features. And since I've yet to cover a movie this month that wasn't made by him (or his father, Albert), I'm beginning to think he's the only employee of the studio.
What actually makes this movie interesting is that it is a sequel to a 1999 David DeCoteau film (directed under one of his pseudonyms, Richard Chasen) that was about an evil scientist that brought a killer eye monster thing from another dimension over to our world. Here, it learned all about human sexuality. It is most an eye on a giant tentacle. I think you know what that means - that tentacle fucks a girl in the movie. Not to be outdone, there are lots of shirtless guys and bulging cocks too. So there's a little bit of everything for everyone because I believe David DeCoteau, being a gay man, really loves to thrust all the sex into your face. Anyway, the killer eye went back to his dimension but not before knocking up a few girls.
Now, a dozen years later, we're given its sequel, Halloween Haunt, which exclaims "Five Hot Chicks! One Killer Eye!" on the back of the box. It also tells us the synopsis: "When Jenna asks her four hot girlfriends to help convert an old mansion into a Halloween Haunt, they decide to party instead! Things get steamy between the girls, until they accidentally unless the half-pint, horrible Killer Eye, a perverse party crasher from beyond. Bent on having his way, the Killer Eye will stop at nothing until he gets exactly what he wants."
Five hot girls who get steamy together at a party? I'll be the judge of that. Let's do this...
Friday, February 10, 2017
Godshitting monkeyfucker nutdick.
Full Moon Fever continues. Last week, I had a good time watching the cult classic Puppet Master. I felt like I really got to see something good for the first time in 2017. But I just couldn't stop there, could I?
Oh, no. No, I just had to continue on plumbing the depths of the Full Moon Features catalog. What turd did I fish out of the shitter this week? Gary Busey as The Gingerdead Man.
By the time 2005 rolled around, Gary Busey had gone so far off the deep end he was hanging out in the Marianas Trench. With Charles Band directing and producing, and his penchant already well in place for making crazy ass movies, throw Gary Busey into the mix and, well... oof.
Interestingly, this movie is billed as a Horror/Comedy and has an astounding 60% on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, guys, this means it is considered "Fresh". I mean it only has five total reviews, but three out of five ain't bad. It's not as good as Meatloaf needing and wanting some rando chick, but it cuts the mustard on RT.
Let's get to the plot from the back of the DVD box: "In a quiet, small town diner, a deranged patron, Millard Findlemeyer (Gary Busey), opens fire on the Leigh family, killing all but the daughter, Sara Leigh (Robin Sydney). During the trial, Sara's testimony sends Millard to the electric chair and his ashes are sent to his mother. In a vow of revenge, Millard's mother mixes her son's ashes with a secret gingerbread cookie mix, which makes its way into Sara Leigh's bakery. When one of the bakery employees, Brick Fields (Jonathan Chase), cuts his arm and accidentally bleeds into the mixture, an old curse spawns a deadly 12" walking, talking, killing gingerbread cookie and wreaks havoc on anything standing in his way!"
And, really, movie? Sara Leigh? Fuck you. I guess nobody does it like Full Moon. Ugh. I turn 40 tomorrow and this... This is how I choose to live my life.
Friday, February 3, 2017
That's right, for the month of February, B-Movie Enema is getting the Full Moon treatment - which is probably going to be about the same as being perpetually mooned by some fat asshole. But why would that be? What's with "Full Moon Fever", anyway? Am I going to be spending a month talking about the marvelous pieces of filmed art that were the videos shot for Tom Petty's first solo album, Full Moon Fever?
Fuck you. I can't be so lucky. Instead, I'll be talking about the films released by direct-to-video powerhouse Full Moon Features. Full Moon Productions was founded in 1988 when filmmaker, and what some might call a schlock auteur, Charles Band returned home from Europe after his previous film studio, Empire Pictures, collapsed. He immediately went to work on his newest film, and this week's feature, Puppet Master. When it was released, thanks to a team-up with Paramount Pictures, the film hit it big, thus leading to a long marriage between Paramount and Full Moon - mostly by Band being able to produce low budget films, yet keeping a high budget sheen on the finished product.
In a lot of ways, you can credit Charles Band as a modern Roger Corman except where Corman was pumping out dozens of movies quickly and on the cheap to fill drive-ins during the 1950s and 60s, Band was pumping out dozens of movies quickly and on the cheap to fill the shelves of video stores in the 1990s.
But for the one that started it all, what's the plot of Puppet Master? From the back of the NINE film DVD set, "The Puppet Master Collection", the plot listed is: "A demonic crew of puppets unleash their murderous talents on psychics investigating their owner, Andre Toulon."
Wait... That's it? One sentence? This movie is summed up in just one, single sentence? Fuck yeah! I think we might be in store for some honest-to-goodness, well, goodness! No over-complicated plots or stories or character motivations. Just straightforward and cutting right to the motherfucking chase. Let's get started and unleash my murderous talents on this movie.
(I don't know what that means either, guys - just bear with me.)