Friday, March 31, 2017
Like I'm flopping my dickbag onto a little guillotine and then betting on Black on a Roulette wheel and hoping it doesn't land on Red. And if it lands on one of the green spots, well... I don't think I need to go into too much detail about where they'll shove my newly severed saddle bag.
In my butt. That's where they'll shove it.
I kinda feel I'm batting .500 this month. Sleepover and Spirit Camp were fairly decent attempts at a spooky ghost movie and an 80s style slasher, respectively. On the other hand, Die Die Delta Pi and The Beckoning were short on capturing the charm of an 80s style slasher and a spooky ghost movie, respectively. One of those downers was really bad. Like REALLY bad. But I digress.
Everything that is good on this planet is resting on Clinger - a 2015 horror/comedy. The box sorta says it's "Fucking Amazing" so I guess that's something. But what is it really about? Amazon Prime says: "After Fern's overly affectionate high school boyfriend, Robert, dies in an embarrassing accident, he returns from the dead as a love-sick ghost and plots to kill Fern so they can be together forever. Fern now has to fight to stay in the world of the living."
I think Robert might have meant to bet on Red but accidentally bet on Black and the resulting shock from seeing his scrotum disconnected from his crotch caused him to faint and his head landed on a rake that was, for some reason, lying next to the Roulette table with the raky bits up. So he bet his beans, lost by accident, fainted after having them taken from him, and he passed out where he landed on a rake that killed him.
What's this? How do I survive the near unending Roulette game that often lands on me getting my balls cut off? Don't worry about it. I have my secrets.
My terrible, terrible secrets and shame. Utter and complete shame.
Friday, March 24, 2017
Wait... Roxy Vandiver. That sounds familiar. When I watched the trailer for the movie there was this girl with bright blonde hair with super short punk girl cut. She looks familiar. I mean, instantly, I thought "Oh that's the girl I would be really into for no goddamn good reason and it would be a horrible idea for me to be into her." But something was itchy in the back of my mind. Wait. Itchy? Wigs make your head itch sometimes...
That's when it dawned on me. Roxy Vandiver was the girl with the long red hair who just walked into a scene completely full frontal nude in the 1986 part in Die Die Delta Pi! Sweet! I liked what I saw there. I like what I saw when she was wearing clothes in Spirit Camp's trailer (seriously, that was the first time I ever saw clothing on Roxy Vandiver - no shit). Maybe I should have made March Roxy Vandiver Month.
Okay, so what's Spirit Camp all about, hm? Amazon Prime says: "FRIDAY THE 13TH meets BRING IT ON! - When a street smart goth girl is forced to attend cheer camp as part of her rehabilitation from a juvenile correction facility, she clashes with the popular girls. But when members of the spirit squad start turning up dead, the girls must put aside their differences as they struggle to survive the murderous rage of a crazed psycho-killer lurking among them."
I will say the the trailer did feature a ton of pull quotes from outlets I never heard of talking about how funny and amazing this movie is. I have my doubts. I have serious, serious doubts. However, these things don't watch themselves, so I suppose I should get a move on.
Friday, March 17, 2017
Die Die Delta Pi is a 2015 horror movie with roots that go back to the 1980s. It's clear that the movie was made on something of a home brew. What I mean by that is that it was made on the cheap with whatever the makers could get. So we definitely have something that isn't going to look that great.nor be all that well acted.
That isn't anything new here, but I appreciate that everything about this movie, from the title, to the poster/DVD cover (as seen to the left), and the premise is born from the slasher movies of the 1980s. We live in a time in which nostalgia reigns supreme in Hollywood. Be it reboots (ugh, I hate that term because I feel like I hear it all the time), the lesser-used remakes, rehashes, or sequels that come a decade, or more, later, nostalgia has become a formulaic math equation to get people to buy or watch whatever intellectual properties are out there.
There are times it's done right. Certainly if you look to things like Netflix's Stranger Things, you see the formula used well to blend 80s sensibilities to modern day storytelling. It's true that my generation that grew up during the era of video stores, action movies, low-brow comedies, and slasher flicks is now in charge of what entertainment we see, hear, and read. It's a way to reconnect people who reminisce on a daily basis about how great it was to walk into a video store, rent the latest Chuck Norris or Stallone action movie or finally get the opportunity to bring home Friday the 13th Part V because it was ALWAYS rented out every goddamn weekend, with what we see today. If the guys making the movie know why those movies back then were so damn fun and fueled our imaginations so much, then something can be made that is amazing (i.e. Stranger Things). If they don't, then it could be a bit of a disaster (i.e. name just about any remake/reboot made in the 21st Century).
So what do we have here with Die Die Delta Pi? Well, let's see what Amazon Prime says is the synopsis: "27 years after a gruesome and devastating attack at the Delta Pi Sorority that wiped out half of its members, new Delta Pi Sisters move in and begin dying one by one. It is suspected the serial killer has returned but it's much more than that."
It's probably a bit too much to hope this is just like Fox's Scream Queens, but one can hope it at least has a portion of that charm and wit.
Friday, March 10, 2017
I know that feeling. I get that every time I sit down to write one of these damn blog posts. It was supposed to be a fun night. Then it goes to shit and I watch crappy movies and dissect them. Oh well, it's my cross to bear.
I return to the world of Amazon Prime to explore more horror movies made in the 2000s. This one, I admit, has something going for it. Yeah, last week I watched a horror movie that followed an overused idea that what you saw was "based on true events" when, in fact, it's almost entirely bullshit. Horror movies still do that by the way. But I think most will say that the Conjuring movies are generally well made and get the pass for being as good as they are.
Now, it's time for another trope of 2000s horror - the found footage or first person filming of events. 1999's The Blair Witch Project, though hardly the first to do this, popularized the idea of found footage shot from the first person perspective of those in the movie. Over time, and the next 17 years, this phenomenon would be used hundreds of times. It led to the Paranormal Activity series and those led to increasing numbers of movies to follow the same idea - set up a camera and watch people watch for ghosts. It's pretty boring if you ask me. The Blair Witch Project was fresh, new, and incredibly tense. Paranormal Activity sucks and pales in comparison.
I'd explain more about my thoughts and comparisons between the two movies, but that's not what we're here for this week. Nope, we are here for 2016's Sleepover. By far the most recent of any B-Movie Enema pictures. I saw the suggestion come up on Amazon Prime and watched the trailer on YouTube. At the very least, whoever made that trailer knew what they were doing because it seemed pretty creepy. But what is the actual plot?
According to Amazon Prime: "A couple of girls get together for a sleepover in a large house. As the night goes on, they begin to hear moaning sounds that are getting closer and closer. One fo the girls suspects it is her fiance trying to scare them. The girls begin to search room by room and it soon becomes clear that they are not alone."
Seems like something we can go with. Let's get this flick rolling...
Friday, March 3, 2017
For this month, I had to wonder what it was I would do for movies. Seems like January had a series of movies that had bad things happen to good girls. February was dedicated to Charles Band and his Full Moon Features. I know April will be Phoebe Cates Month.
Oh... Spoiler Alert! April is Phoebe Cates Month.
But what about March? Well, I was sitting around eating cheese and crackers, shirtless, one afternoon... Because I'm a horribly lonely, disgusting person. (I may have said too much.) Anyway, I thought about how I always say I don't like "modern horror" movies. I think that's a way for me to snobbishly drop the ax on any movie that I think "looks stupid" so I don't have to watch it. However, I do this blog. Most of these movies suck balls. I make myself watch them. Which is another way of saying I have to watch them. Oh fuck it.
I have this Amazon Prime thing on the interwebs. I decided to turn my gaze in that direction to check out some horror movies made in the 21st century. I am probably going to wish I hadn't, but whatever. That's how I landed here with 2006's The Beckoning (also known as The Chatterley Affair which sounds like another type of movie I'd feature on this blog). This came suggested somehow through whatever algorithm used by Amazon to make suggestions for what movies to watch. I watched the trailer and was mildly attracted to our lead star, Lindsy Drummer, but also intrigued by the shot-on-video look of it, and that it specifically states this shit is based on real life. So... Meh. It'll do the trick for this week.
Here's what the Amazon Prime Video synopsis says: "This campy, horror suspense thriller, based on actual events, is packed with demonic spirits and repressed memories of a terrifying past life, as an innocent young co-ed discovers secrets so terrifying that they unleash a vengeance across the ages which play tug-of-war with her very soul. Shot on the actual Northern California locations where these events took place, really."
Hmmpf. First, that is the actual synopsis. I didn't doctor it. It really says "really" at the end as if to try to convince us that it's for really real. Also, it used a ton of commas in one sentence, but not in every place it should be used. I know I am not perfect, go fuck yourself, but we're looking at a low budget movie shot on video that demands critique. Additionally, "terrifying" is used twice in that gigantic sentence. Finally... There are four ratings on Amazon for this movie. They were all 1-star reviews.