Friday, April 28, 2017

Paradise (1982)

Let's jump back, for a moment, to 1980.  At the time, a young actress by the name of Brooke Shields was considered both a very pretty girl, and an up and coming actress.  In 1978, Shields starred in a movie called Pretty Baby which covered the taboo topic of child prostitution in the early 20th century.  She was 12 at the time of shooting, and she appeared nude in the film.  If you were 10 to maybe 15 years old at the time, you might have thought that was the tits, but if you were older, you'd probably be some sort of sex weirdo if you found any pleasure in that.

Now, two years later, in 1980, Shields would go on to appear in the very popular The Blue Lagoon, about two young kids being marooned on an island where they grow up in their own ways learning how to express their sexual and romantic feelings toward one another and even giving birth a child.  Again, plenty of opportunity for Shields to be naked, but this time, she testified on record that an of-age body double was used for the scenes in which her character's breasts were exposed.  Any shots of her that would reveal both her face and her body were cleverly shot with hair covering her bits or shot from different angles as not to show anything.

As an aside, one year later, Shields appeared in Endless Love which is also about a young girl getting plowed.  What was it with everyone wanting to have sex with an underage Brooke Shields?

Now that I've bored you with those details about all these lurid movies Brooke Shields appeared in that sexualized her before she turned 18, let's talk about the final feature in Phoebe Cates Month - Paradise.

It's a ripoff of The Blue Lagoon.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Date with an Angel (1987)

I think I'm going to wish I had picked a different movie to include in Phoebe Cates Month.  I mean, Shag is a charming little movie (despite how awkwardly I was turned on by dance numbers including the Confederate flag).  Baby Sister was actually much better than I expected a disposable movie of the week to be.  Next week's movie, Paradise, has a whole lot going for it despite it being a pretty bad knockoff of an already bad movie.

But, no, I had to include 1987's Date with an Angel.

Billed as a romantic comedy, the trailer for the movie doesn't seem to have a single goddamned joke in it.  In fact, there's not much romance in it either.  There's the guy from All My Children, Michael E. Knight, who I totally know because that was my mom's soap opera of choice for my entire life, and a girl with an incredibly out of control head of blonde curls, Emmanuelle Beart (who was in Mission: Impossible with Tom Cruise) who doesn't speak but makes weird noises that ranges from squeaks to chirps to dolphin sounds.  I guess she's an angel too?  I mean, that poster sure as shit indicates she's an angel, but the preview doesn't really tell you for sure.

And where's our girl, Phoebe?  Well, she's there too.  I guess she's Knight's girlfriend who spends most of the trailer acting like an utter crazy person.  You know what that means, right?  Yeah, I'm likely going to be even more attracted to Phoebe in this movie than normal and I'm totally going to side with her.  Crazy chicks own me.  They. Own. Me.

Er...  Whatever.  So what's going on with this movie?  Our synopsis for this comes from Amazon, where I actually purchased this hunk of junk for like $10 or something.  It reads, "Aspiring composer Jim Sanders wakes up to discover a beautiful, broken-winged angel in his pool.  When everyone finds out, Jim must cope with his jealous fiance, his exploitive future father-in-law and his buddies who have an outrageous business plan!"

There's an exclamation point at the end of that synopsis.  That's never a great sign.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Baby Sister (1983)

Phoebe Cates Month rolls on with our next movie, the 1983 possibly-sultry-but-maybe-not-tv-movie Baby Sister!

After Cates dove into all our fantasies in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (her second film role, and if you can just hold your damn horses for a couple more weeks, we will certainly be discussing the first film role), she was able to continue to work relatively steadily for the next few years.  Later in 1983, she would get another big-time part in the coming of age comedy Private School before returning to TV to deliver this cherry line in the miniseries Lace where she played a sex symbol actress searching for her natural mother.

Then she was in Gremlins and rounded out one of the most perfect movies ever made.  And sincerely go fuck yourself if you don't agree with that assessment.  You might get a voucher for a pass if you say Gremlins 2 is more perfect.  You're still wrong, but I'll give you a little bit of a pass because that movie is goddamn awesome too even if it isn't as perfect as the first.

Baby Sister aired on ABC on March 6, 1983 and I have to admit that I'm glad to be taken back to the days of Sunday Night Movies that were so popular before cable stations horned in on making their own content.  The synopsis on IMDb is fairly simple: "Immature dropout Annie concocts a scheme to get her older sister's live-in boyfriend to date her instead."

Two things.  First, that seems way too simple for an entire movie so hopefully there's something more going on there.  Second, listen, honey, if your sister is Phoebe Cates, you stand a pretty good chance of losing.  Unless you're Alyssa Milano.  Or Bea Arthur.

I've said too much.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Shag: The Movie (1989)

It's a new month and a new opportunity to have a new theme.

Back in December, I covered Alyssa Milano in a way that only a real creep, or possibly that undertaker character Tom Petty played in the "Last Dance with Mary Jane" video, could.  That was a way to look at the body of work of a 90s dream girl who blossomed into a girl who really liked making movies teenage boys liked to watch.  For April, I decided to step back to the 1980s and talk about another brunette vixen that boys love to this day - Phoebe Cates.

Phoebe Cates came into acting after a relatively successful modeling career in her teenage years.  Her first film was a Blue Lagoon ripoff called Paradise and co-starred Willie Aames in his pre-Bibleman days (and you better fucking believe that will be talked about before the end of this month).  In her second film, she would make a HUGE splash (no pun intended) in Fast Times at Ridgemont High when a topless fantasy of Judge Reinhold's became cemented in every Gen Xer's naughtiest of thoughts.

Like our previously featured leading lady, Milano, Cates had a dangerous mix of being cute and lovable, but also incredibly sexy.  She could often be summed up in two different ways - she could easily be the girl next door that you've crushed on all your life and didn't really get a chance to woo and romance until gremlins invaded your small town, or she could be the girl in your math class that you fantasized about on a nightly basis because she was fucking cool as shit AND could teach Jennifer Jason Leigh how to give a blowjob with nothing more than a carrot.

Neither Gremlins or Fast Times will be featured this month.  Nor will Drop Dead Fred, because fuck you, I love that movie.  Instead I opted to pick some of her more obscure 80s movies to feature.  She, sadly, didn't have a deep pool of roles.  She ultimately would go into retirement by the mid-90s only to come out briefly in 2001's The Anniversary Party.  Since, she has focused her attentions on being wife to Kevin Kline and raising their children.

But enough about that for now.  We have a movie to talk about.  What is Shag: The Movie about anyways?  IMDb says: "Set in the Summer of 1963. Carson is getting married to her boyfriend so her friends Melaina, Pudge, and Luanne take her to Myrtle Beach for one last irresponsible weekend."

If you expect me to make any Austin Powers jokes during this article, go fuck yourself.  I'm all for making jokes about ding dongs and boobies and fart and poop, but I'm a little above making obvious Austin Powers jokes.  So stuff those expectations right in your ding dong and take a poopy fart.