Friday, May 26, 2017

Independents' Day (2016)

The Asylum Month thankfully comes to a close as we look at another dumb titled movie that is meant to capitalize off dumb fuckshit people willing to rent absolutely anything from Family Video to dumb down their fuckface brains and think they "done seen that one movie that came out last week at the video store!"

Fuck.  I'm angry.  The world is shit.  Everything good and right in this world sucks donkey balls.  The Asylum has sucked the soul out of me.  I'm not exactly sure how to go on after a month of giant spiders fighting army chicks, a shitty Sherlock Holmes, and the worst fucking movie I've ever laid eyes on.  Now this.  Now this dumb fucking movie with a dumb fucking title...

Independents' Day.  The fuck does that mean?  Yes, I get what Independent is.  I understand someone is a Dependent.  And that group of people would be DependentS.  I've never seen the world Independent used as a noun - singular OR plural OR in a possessive sense.

And look at that DVD cover.  I 100% guarantee that this is another movie of bullshit army people led by a fucking douchebag on the level of... I dunno.  Name the worst, most douchiest person you can think of.  These fucks are going to be at least that.  Oh, and I bet the special effects are gonna be god awful too.

Okay, Amazon Prime, tell me what this is about: "After aliens invade Earth and destroy all our nuclear arsenal, they give us a choice: either emigrate to a new, better planet or be killed.  While most earthlings resign themselves to leaving, the President of the United States turns to a rogue militia to fight back and expose the truth before the human race is obliterated."

So our heroes are going to be members of a rogue militia given special powers by the president?  Fuck you, Asylum.  Fuck you in the dickhole.  Fuck you in the space underneath your fingernails, you fucking assholes.

Alright, let's get this thing a-rollin' so I can draw that warm bath and break in my new razor blades.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Sherlock Holmes (2010)

Oh boy...  After last week's utter debacle, I could certainly use a little British classiness to bounce back.  Too bad it's still an Asylum fuckfest abortion.

Sherlock Holmes, as a character, first appeared in print in 1887 and was an immediate success for author Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  I could spend a long time giving you more history about the character being one of the most famous detectives in all of history, and how many books he was in, and what have you, but I'll save that for Wikipedia to tell you all about.

No, the origin of this entry in the Asylum library comes from Holmes' popularity in film and television.  From Basil Rathbone to Peter Cushing to Benedict Cumberbatch to even Tom Baker, Sherlock Holmes has been thrilling audiences since the earliest days of film.  In 2009, director Guy Ritchie teamed Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law as Holmes and John Watson, respectively, and the film was a super success.  It even spawned a sequel two years later.

I haven't seen that movie, but I'm watching this fuckin' cheap ripoff!

The Asylum, always eager to cash in on other studios' hard work and actual competent filmmaking, decided they would give Sherlock Holmes the ol' college try with this 2010 insane-o story about a detective in Victorian England dealing with dinosaurs and other assorted problems that plag...

Wait, what?  Sherlock Holmes Vs. DINOSAURS???  No.  No way.  Nuh uh.  Dinosaurs?  Surely this is some sort of joke.  I mean, sure, the cover of the DVD above shows a T-Rex and some sort of fire-breathing monster, and what appears to be a kraken...  Wait...  Really???  This has to be a marketing gimmick.  Surely Amazon Prime's synopsis will help sort this out.  Here, let's see what it says:

"Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's famous detective faces the ultimate challenge when enormous monsters attack London."

Well, I'll be a motherfucker.  There's not much more I can say.  We've got Sherlock Holmes going up against giant monsters in Victorian London.  Seriously...  What more can I say?  What word could I possible use to describe the emotions I'm feeling before I click "Watch Now" on my browser?  Oh, this should do it:

Fuck.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Atlantic Rim (2013)

Round 2 of my month long battle against The Asylum, makers of crap and shit that I disdain since, like, I dunno...  2004 or something.  I don't care how long they've been at this.  This time, I have a real offensive one: Atlantic Rim.

This is an instance where The Asylum simply took the title to a movie coming out (i.e. Pacific Rim), and modified it only slightly to give it a new title that cannot lead to a lawsuit against them, but, yet, still keep some sort of visual similarity to the movie it is ripping off.

I really loved Pacific Rim.  I mean, how could I not?  Giant robots fighting giant monsters?  That's just about every 40 year old manchild's dream come true!  It was Guillermo Del Toro's take on the classic kaiju craze from Japan.  Giant monsters rise from the Pacific Ocean and wreak havoc all across the Pacific Rim.  Giant monster killing robots from Japan, China, Russia, and the United States fight back and discover the origin of the monsters - an inter-dimensional rift at the bottom of the Pacific that the monsters crawl out of to attack Earth.

That's fuckin' rad.

What's Atlantic Rim about?  The Amazon Prime synopsis reads: "When giant monsters crawl out of the Atlantic Ocean and attack the Eastern Seaboard, the US Government is forced to trust A.I. robots to defend the country."  So...  It's Pacific Rim but the robots are A.I.s and not controlled by humans.  Also it takes place on the Eastern Seaboard instead of the Pacific.  And this is The Asylum so it's gonna suck.

Ugh.  Okay.  Let's roll film.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)

Sigh.

You people suck.  I mean it.  You guys are real assholes.

A couple months ago, I put out the call to action for B-Movie Enema Facebook followers to vote for what my May 2017 theme was going to be.  You had marvelous choices.  You could have picked more 80s horror (I subscribe to an entire channel on YouTube that I wanted to pull from).  You could have picked Cannon Films.  You could have chosen the chance to revisit movies from the 50s, 60s, and 70s.  Hell, you could have picked to send me to the Sharknado series!  Shark-fucking-nado!

No.  Some jerk swung in in the waning minutes of the poll on Survey Monkey and put a month of mockbusters from The Asylum over the top.  So, here I am.  Watching movies I'm gonna hate because I truly despise these dumb flicks cranked out from The Asylum.

Who is The Asylum?  Simply put, they are a company that makes movies on the cheap to pump out onto the Syfy Channel or direct to DVD.  They make all sorts of movies from science fiction to horror to comedies to even animated movies now and Christian movies.  However, the claim to fame for The Asylum is the mockbusters they produce.

A mockbuster is a movie that is purposely aping off an expected big-budget, high popularity movie with the intent to trick those who are a little less than a layman movie fan to think that the movie they are renting on demand or buying at a store IS the major studio movie they saw advertisements for around the same time.  The names are very similar and very easy to confuse as you will see in a couple examples I'll cover this month.

Then, there are movies like this week's feature - Journey to the Center of the Earth.  Books like this by Jules Vernes, or books by H.G. Wells are either very cheap to option for a movie or enough in the public domain that anyone can make an adaptation if they wish.  It just so happens that this came out at the same time as a big budget version of the movie at the same time from New Line Cinema starring Brenden Fraser.  I'm gonna guess the New Line movie is a tad more faithful to the book, but what's the synopsis for the Asylum version?  From Amazon Prime: "A group of scientists is performing a teleportation experiment, but something goes wrong, and the team ends up at the center of the earth, where they just manage to send off a distress signal before being hunted by a dinosaur."

Okay, so let's finally get this rolling.  I don't have all day to sit around and procrastinate about this stupid theme month...