Fuck. I'm angry. The world is shit. Everything good and right in this world sucks donkey balls. The Asylum has sucked the soul out of me. I'm not exactly sure how to go on after a month of giant spiders fighting army chicks, a shitty Sherlock Holmes, and the worst fucking movie I've ever laid eyes on. Now this. Now this dumb fucking movie with a dumb fucking title...
Independents' Day. The fuck does that mean? Yes, I get what Independent is. I understand someone is a Dependent. And that group of people would be DependentS. I've never seen the world Independent used as a noun - singular OR plural OR in a possessive sense.
And look at that DVD cover. I 100% guarantee that this is another movie of bullshit army people led by a fucking douchebag on the level of... I dunno. Name the worst, most douchiest person you can think of. These fucks are going to be at least that. Oh, and I bet the special effects are gonna be god awful too.
Okay, Amazon Prime, tell me what this is about: "After aliens invade Earth and destroy all our nuclear arsenal, they give us a choice: either emigrate to a new, better planet or be killed. While most earthlings resign themselves to leaving, the President of the United States turns to a rogue militia to fight back and expose the truth before the human race is obliterated."
So our heroes are going to be members of a rogue militia given special powers by the president? Fuck you, Asylum. Fuck you in the dickhole. Fuck you in the space underneath your fingernails, you fucking assholes.
Alright, let's get this thing a-rollin' so I can draw that warm bath and break in my new razor blades.
After the credits, a massive amount of larger alien ships arrive in the skies and park themselves over famous cities and landmarks. You know what? This feels familiar. Like I've seen this before. Man, I wish I could think of what that other thing this reminds me of is.
When jets investigate the ships, they are shot down. In retaliation, a bunch of jets engage a ship only to be attacked by smaller fighter ships. They get blown up too. All the while, all these goddamn action shots use that zoom in effect that pisses me off so much in movies these days. It's that thing when the camera tracks a particular thing and then zooms in super quick just a little bit. It's the most jarring and unnecessary camera effect in the history of movies.
|My Favorite Martian! That's the thing this reminds me of!|
No, really, what's happened to Bill Pullman? What's going on with him?
Oh fuck it. There's garbage happening in this movie. So, in some crazy person's bunker place in the middle of nowhere, a leader in some monkeyfuck militia is shooting their guns and listening to a report about how the aliens blew up the President. The leader guy is upset because his brother was assigned to protect the President so apparently, he's dead. He tells the other militia chapters that they are gonna go to war because the aliens picked the wrong people to fuck with.
Why is a rogue militia mad at aliens for killing the President? Aren't they rogue due to not being in alignment with the ideas and agendas of the President? Also, the leader of the militia is the brother to one of the guys most closely connected to the President? I would think that guy would not be allowed anywhere NEAR the President if his brother is a "Don't Tread on Me" flag bearing militia kooky bananas crazy person.
Whatever, fuck it. These militia guys are going to be the heroes, the most well-trained, and well-organized group of people who are most capable of defeating the aliens because the real military and the new President, Meredith Raney, are too busy jerkin' off the aliens and havin' pussy-filled "dialog" with the aliens (that should be read in the most backwoods hillbilly way you can imagine).
|Just what I look for in a hero: that cold, steely glare of a man|
who thinks Cheerios are bugged with government listening
As proof that the aliens, despite feeling they were attacked by the U.S. jets investigating them, prove their good intentions by inviting the Raney's crippled son on board one of their ships where they can cure him (a.k.a. fix his broken, nearly useless legs). They also offer to not only give humans a new place to live, but give food to the third world citizens that are starving to death.
At the ship, an army guy takes a look around the ship before letting Raney's son on board. The aliens keep repeating, "Bring the son of President Raney to us. We will heal him. Bring us the child." That's not creepy and suspicious at all. But anyway, the army guy says it's all safe from what he can tell, so whatever. Bring the kid aboard! The army guy and the kid's dad guide the kid into the "regeneration chamber" to get his useless, crippled body fixed. I'm kinda thinking this dad is the worst father ever, but I don't really know exactly what makes a good or bad dad because I'm childless, without a girlfriend, and generally dying alone. These goddamn Asylum movies are reminding me just how much I live an empty life devoid of light and love.
The aliens fix her kid and when he exits the ship, a crowd cheers loudly - apparently there is a crowd outside the ship watching the President just walk into a ship with her kid and check stuff out with very little Secret Service protection. It is revealed though that some of her top military aides have investigated a signal from one of the alien ships to reveal that they are lying about their intentions. What does the President do? She asks if they can intercept that signal and listen in. No confrontation with the aliens. No thinking of a plan to attack. No nothing. Let's just go listen in on their transmissions!
Oh, good, now we cut to a scene where like five militia guys led by our heroic Baldy McBeardface guy above come to confront the aliens themselves. And are allowed past a barricade by a UNIFORMED POLICE OFFICER while carrying a giant rifle.
Erg... Anyway, some stuff happened while I was flipping out about their bullshit about Earth First "pushing their way through" crowds to attack the ship. Apparently the aliens are gassing the bunker? I don't know and I don't give enough fucks to rewind the movie to find out what everyone is coughing and passing out from.
|That's a pretty good physical representation of the face your|
wife will give you when she learns of your treasonous
Due to a bit of a cock up involving a large mass of people rushing one of the export ships, a bunch of people die and a large attack on the crowd commences due to the ships detecting weapons on the cops that got pushed into the ship with the crowd. However, the guys from the very beginning of the movie show up with the hand of the alien pilot from the wreckage they found in Colorado. They discovered over time that a strange smell everyone comments on as if someone farted is a pheromone that helps the aliens communicate with their ship. Some additional Asylum bullshit occurs where people look to do important things but none of it makes any sense. The only thing I can really track is that Senator Raney, working from orders he received from his wife, President Raney, tells the militia to retrieve one of the aliens' bodies from a downed alien fighter in Virginia. With zero issue at all, the militia secures the body. And it looks just as fucking dumb as you might expect
|It's like they are only using the free trial version of special effects computer software.|
Okay, Asylum, that's a pretty good little twist. Clearly, we knew the aliens were bad dudes. I did not expect to find out they are just blowing people out of the air lock on those transport ships like so much garbage. That might be the best thing I've seen in any Asylum movie ever. I hate to even say it, but kudos. You've actually impressed me.
Then they followed it up with a truly laughable moment. Now that the President knows something about the aliens they don't want her to know, it's time to have her big Bill Pullman, Independence Day moment. The music swells, everyone looks to President Raney for guidance and, with a stern, defiant, expression, Raney declares, "We need to get back to the bunker. We need to prepare. BUT WE WILL NOT GIVE UP!" It then pans over to her main general dude who makes a face as if to ask who farted and the scene ends with heroic music.
|It's like what Mt. Rushmore would look like if it was made|
exclusively from bird shit.
The militia, independently of all the President and her group has planned, attacks in every major U.S. city. The rest of the world begs for the U.S. to stop resisting the aliens, but President Raney basically says she doesn't care what the hell they have to say about it now. Um... If your dodgy plans don't work out, and it's a plan you enacted on your own without any help from anyone else, I might add, the whole Earth is fucking toast, lady! Maybe you should have some interest in appeasing the other countries desperately wanting you to take down a fairly shoddily run militia. The aliens ask for Raney to come aboard their ship and have dialog about their relocation plans. She takes her top guys with her and is given some of the pathogen to inject into the queen alien.
|It's like what Star Trek would look like if it was made|
exclusively from rhinoceros smegma.
Oh, I should say that the only black guy who had any kind of character or dialog does get his head crushed and killed by an alien on the big hive ship. I mean... I mean I guess if you are going to have a crazy rogue militia be your main battle force, and surrogate heroes for the first half of the movie, then I guess it makes sense you kill the only black guy in the movie.
That brings up another point. The militia guys are not exactly anything of any kind of import. They seemingly are called upon to be the resistance to the aliens, but they aren't very skilled. They weren't that knowledgeable about how to fight a war. They were spread thin across several locations (which seems like the U.S. Government should have EASILY defeated them long ago what with how thin they were spread out and how they were just kooks in shacks with lots and lots and lots of guns). Eventually, they simply take not just a backseat to President Raney's plan to disease the aliens to death, but it's like they were in the backseat of the vehicle several cars back from where the movie was taking place for Raney.
If this was something like the old miniseries V, they would have had their own story, as well as Raney and her husband, as well as their son, as well as the guy who knew everything because he worked closely with the wreckage he found back in 2003, and so on and so on.
Then again, V is good. Independents' Day is shit.
Thank fucking Christ The Asylum Month is over. Just so you all know, I asked you to vote on several options for what this month would be comprised of and you people disappointed me to a degree I could never expect. So with that said, this is no longer a democracy. I will never let the people vote for what I watch. You assholes very nearly caused me to commit suicide over these fucking movies. So, I'm taking the power back, but not before I spend a sweet, sweet summer celebrating movies that are, themselves, celebrating anniversaries of 45, 40, 35, 30, 20, 15, and 5 years. Be sure to keep coming back to B-Movie Enema all summer long to see what movies I have in store!