That's just a simple fact. It has nothing to do with this blog. I just like it when girls get a little cuckoo over the bone. Who doesn't?
I'm also a big fan of the Poison Ivy movies.
That has a lot more to do with this blog - and today's entry in particular. Back in December of 2016, we looked at the second entry in this series, 1996's Poison Ivy II: Lily, starring Alyssa Milano. A third movie came out a year later starring Jaime Pressly. For a little over a decade, the series laid dormant until a fourth film premiered on Lifetime.
I'm totally positive this movie is going to be loaded with tits and ass just as I expect from any movie with the title Poison Ivy. And i'm also positive this will follow the tradition of all the naked boobs and bush we saw in the 2000s from actresses desperate to break into Hollywood. Wait..
Let me scan the paragraph just before the last one. Okay, I see mention of Poison Ivy II which, along with Embrace of the Vampire are definitely transformative movie experiences for me and mah boner. Check. I mentioned Poison Ivy 3. That one stars another super hot lady who was also in Playboy. That's good for my ding dong. Check. Okay, so now movie #4 in the series... Okay, the back of the box told me "Wide-eyed freshman Danielle 'Daisy' Brooks' first days at Beckshire College are the best ever." Very nice. "...secretive close-knit sisterhood..." Okay, good, good. "...hot-blooded temptress..." Even better.
Oh no... I said the movie premiered on Lifetime. It's a Lifetime TV movie. I just went soft immediately. I bet this doesn't have scenes that you can only see by going to Pornhub or SpankBang. Sigh... I was excited to watch this, but now I'm not so sure. Even though this is a DVD that is "Not Rated", that doesn't mean it's "Unrated". There's a big difference. Unrated usually means a little more than R-rated, but avoids the dreaded NC-17 while still showing some pretty sweet business. Not Rated is usually seen on old movies that were made before the current ratings system or for TV movies. Well, dammit. I'm still going to watch the fuck out of this. It's got what is sure to be a bevy of hot chicks in it, but I can't count on boobs.
So, what I could pick up from the back of the box, this chick named Daisy (because of course she has a flower name as that is the thing with these movies) is invited to join a secret society called the Ivies. They are hot and manipulative. The box also says this is a "delicious thriller" with a "not-so-innocent country girl".
Let's watch some sexy college girl action...
The movie starts unlike other Poison Ivy movies with a girl running from danger. Most of the time, it's a dressed down girl finding her way through life and eventually finding out that she just wants to fuck everything everywhere in every place. Here, we have a pretty blonde girl running from an unseen danger. It's almost like a slasher movie. She eventually stops running, turns around, screams, and gets a bag over her head.
|I'm really glad to see that Gal Gadot and Britney Spears' love|
child would be very hot.
Oh well. She's leaving for college. Like the next day. So maybe he can find another plaid wearin' small town cutie to work out his frustrations because, dude, Daisy is gonna work out her frustrations at college.
Daisy arrives at Beckshire College by way of taxi which gets made fun of by a group of stuck up bitches who call themselves the "Ivies". They go through a booklet of all the information about the new students they could potentially recruit to join them. Two things about this. First:
That's a lot of information about someone made available to a university or to individuals. This isn't a transfer student official list, it's a character sheet. Seriously, there is information on this sheet that would not be needed in this type of official document. Like the fact that she's the first underclassman to be accepted into advanced political theory or that she sold her property in Iowa to come to this college. Those are things that a dean or maybe a counselor would know, but not on any kind of info sheet like this in your personal files. Fuck you movie.
|Queen bitch, Azalea.|
(Though I will say her little freckles are quite fetching.)
Daisy meets Blake, a good looking, kindly guy who helps Daisy pick up her spilled luggage and find the girls' dorm much to the chagrin of Azalea, the leader of the Ivy Society. When Blake brings Daisy to the girls' dorm, she sees the memorial for the girl we saw at the beginning of the movie who apparently died falling to her death from the dorms. Hmmm... I wonder what kind of mystery that will unravel... Azalea is a fucking bitch murder!
Also a fucking bitch is Daisy's roommate "Magenta". Even though this sexy piece of goth hair coloring, makes fun of Daisy for being a small town bumpkin, they make friends quickly. Blake follows Daisy to her political science class where his hotshot professor dad (played by My Two Dads' Greg Evigan - welcome back to B-Movie Enema) also catches Daisy's eye. Seriously, Daisy, as cute and pretty as she is, has the hot guy on campus throwing himself at her while she is wet in her panties for his dad. If that isn't enough, Daisy gets an internship to work at the office of Blake's mom (and Professor Graves' wife), Dean Graves (I don't remember her first name so I will just make it sound like the guy's wife is named Dean).
|Seriously... I love these fucking movies.|
Alright, so Azalea has seduced Blake to get what information he can obtain so she can use the info to get what she wants - the prized internship that I have no idea what it is or why it is so prized. He's going to get whatever she wants, and he'll get whatever he wants from whichever Ivy he wants it from. Since Daisy is the leading name for this mysterious internship, Azalea decides she'll make Daisy an Ivy and cause her to lose the lead on the internship and put Azalea back on top to get the prize that normally goes to the head of the Ivies. For some reason.
Daisy gets a cell phone from Azalea and they meet. Azalea tells Daisy that the Ivies could help her get ahead in life. Daisy initially turns her down. Back at the Graves' home, it turns out Professor and Dean Graves are hitting a rough spot since the Dean has had to deal with the dead girl from the semester before and the ongoing investigation around it (Azalea did it - probably naked too - at least in my head that's how it went down). Professor Graves and Blake don't seem to get along all that well. He seems to think his son is a bit of a fuck up.
|Goddammit I love these fucking movies.|
Wait a minute... Didn't she turn down the chance to have sex with her boyfriend who she claims she loves? I mean did she break up with him when she left for college or is Blake just the studliest dude on the fucking planet? Did Azalea talking to Daisy turn her into a raging slut? Oh my god, I hope so!
The older movies at least had some sort of origin for the sexual escapades of the "Ivy" of their movie. Ivy and Violet (Barrymore and Pressly in the first and third movies) had some pretty bad issues they had to deal with growing up that manifested in some serious sexual manipulation later. Lily (Alyssa Milano) explored her sexuality through Ivy's personal journal and writings. Here? Fuck it, Daisy is a dumb midwestern girl who just wants to get that pipe laid in her sweet, sweet puss.
Now, maybe some other manipulations could help further her descent into some sexy sex business. When Blake tells his mother that Daisy has not only fucked him but been tapped by the Ivies, she tells him to stop seeing her. Mysteriously, her school payments have defaulted and she's in danger of being bounced from the college. Blake also refuses to take her calls and she even sees him go out with another girl. Out of desperation, she accepts the invitation into the Ivy Society. She and two other girls speak weird secret society oaths and drink from a weird chalice which contains some sort of drug which causes them to be taken to a room where they are undressed, and tied to a leather chair and receive tattoos of ivies on their backs.
|Wow. What a transformation from the jean skirt and blouse|
and same length of hair you had at the beginning.
I mean, I appreciate the tits and all (I mean really appreciate them), but the montage they did to show her becoming more like the other Ivies is dumb. Let's take a moment to remember Poison Ivy II. Lily slowly transformed herself with what she already had. She wasn't made by a shopping trip. She didn't become an instant bitch to her friends and roommate. Okay, she might have fucked her friends' boyfriends (she didn't), but she wasn't so quick to push her friends away. Here, Daisy more or less immediately gets a little bitchy toward Magenta when she comments on how Daisy's changed.
Also, this movie says that you transform from a sweet, innocent girl into Poison Ivy by adding a belt to your top, getting a slightly longer jean skirt, and wearing boots instead of flats. Oh and knee length shorts. Those are way hotter than anything else a girl could do to her fashion sense.
|I am in love with everything going on in that red top.|
In the other movies in this series, mistakes were made and sometimes the wrong thing caused really bad things to happen to others, but each film's "Ivy" was always fully aware of what she was doing. In this one, Daisy is actually weary of the manipulation. I get it, we should be rooting for Daisy, but I feel like she should not be the main focus. Her decision to join the Ivies or have sex with Blake in the first place went against type without seeing her explore these changing ideas about sex or her own feminine wiles and so forth. Maybe if we were focused on Azalea almost torturing Daisy because Daisy is the good girl and Azalea is the naughty, naughty, bad, sexy, bonerific, naughty... um... bad girl, then we'd have something. I point to another of the Alyssa Milano movies I covered back in December - Confessions of Sorority Girls. There we had the perfect set up of a good girl whose life was ruined by the bad girl on campus. That is what this movie should have been. Instead we have these machinations of an obvious bitch and a good girl being played against type - but only sometimes throughout the movie.
The Ivies set Blake's car on fire. Daisy, really not sure now about how the Ivies operate, leaves before the car is set ablaze. Blake tries to explain that he had nothing to do with the upload which is now starting to affect Daisy when she is seen on campus by garnering catcalls. Daisy, as low as she can be, still has some bad shit coming. Azalea learns that Magenta is now in the lead for the mysterious internship. She visits Daisy and basically uses the scholarship Daisy received for school and the land Will, Daisy's old boyfriend back in Iowa, bought as leverage against her to bring down Magenta.
Wait... This is now three times in this movie that "land" has been brought up. Will mentioned he bought land to build a house for he and Daisy so they could get married and raise a family. Daisy had to sell her land to pay for school. Now Azalea is threatening to take Will's land away from him. Is this plot left over from some 1890s land war between settlers and shit? Land is at the heart of a lot of everything Daisy does. It's what gets her attacked in the end. Not her virtue. Not her grades which she clearly has a great deal of pride in based on her fact sheet from the beginning of the movie. Not her ability to remain in school. No, land is what Azalea uses as her greatest weapon to get Daisy to take down Magenta.
What the fuck is this... Heaven's Gate?
I mean, I get it, but I'm not exactly sure what the plan here is. Also, I'm not sure about the movie's motivations or who we should be most turned on by. Again, pointing to Poison Ivy II, we saw a girl we genuinely liked go bad and reject the disastrous path she found herself on when the creepy art teacher basically tried to rape her repeatedly. So we have a good girl gone bad, get real sexy, but find her way back to the light and you feel good about always liking her. Here, we have a good girl who doesn't change too much for us to root for a satisfying ending to her arc. I personally find myself far more attracted to Azalea. And the moment I noticed her little freckles earlier, I knew I would be.
What can I say? I like the bad girls.
So what was the plan? Azalea needs Magenta to fall so she can manipulate her way into getting that internship that everyone else doesn't seem nearly as interested in as she is. Okay, so she sends Daisy in to fuck the professor, yeah? Okay, how does that get her the internship? If anything Daisy now would seem to be best positioned (heh... fuck positioned) to take that internship. Right? How does Azalea come out on top? She should have gone in there to fuck the prof herself from the start. Daisy is a constant disappointment. Don't ask her to do anything else to make your plan work out. Go in there, get on top (heh... by fucking the prof on his desk) and take what you want, sweetheart. Goddammit I love you, Azalea.
Or just murder the prof by bashing his head into a spiky bit of this metal globe thing on his desk.
|Yeah, dude, I'm with you... This plan has me pretty confused too.|
Blake finds Daisy after she finds the camera that recorded the two of them having sex. Blake says they can't take this to the cops because his mother would be forced to cover it all up. Why? Blake's mom is an Ivy as well. So I guess they are totally fucked. He tells Daisy she was handpicked to clean up the Ivies...? Okay, so why not let her do whatever she can to out them? She was "the chosen one" right?
Daisy goes to Azalea and feigns being scared. Azalea reveals they killed the girl at the start of the movie from last semester. She also talks about how they can get away with murder. Daisy reveals, like a dumbass, she is recording the conversation. How was this supposed to work? Who is getting this internship now?
|Odds were pretty even this movie was ending with a sexy|
Azalea's #2 bitch lady decides she's gone too far and gets the cops as Azalea and Daisy fight in the pool. Azalea tries drowning Daisy but is stopped when Daisy knocks her out by slamming her head into the ladder.
Daisy returns home to Iowa to Will. She is given the rest of the semester off. She tells him that she'll be home all summer to help him figure stuff out and then they will figure each other out as they go along. I guess that's a happy ending.
I still don't know who got that goddamn internship. Did all of Azalea's plans pay out? I mean she literally murdered a dude during coitus to frame someone else so she could get it even though neither of those two involved with the murder were the ultimate front runner to get the internship. Who got the goddamn internship?!? I don't even care what the internship was for. I just want to know who got it.
I guess it doesn't matter. I will say that Miriam McDonald, who played Daisy, is incredibly cute and I was very appreciative that she seemed to be pretty game for the sexiness of the movie. I really like Shawna Waldron, who played Azalea. I guess that shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me. I like the wrong girl every time. But goddamn she was neat to look at for the 95 minutes this movie ran.
I know I compared this movie to two Alyssa Milano movies covered previously in this blog. I mean one, Poison Ivy II, is a given since this is part of the series as well. However, I have an Easter egg of sorts to reveal. Ryan Kennedy, who played Blake, is tangentially super connected to Alyssa Milano. He was in this movie, of course connecting him to her turn as the main Ivy in a previous movie. He was in the remake of Embrace of the Vampire which sucked, but in terms of Milano, need I say more? Finally, he starred in another Lifetime Movie called The Unauthorized Melrose Place Story about the TV series she had a regular cast role before she moved onto Charmed.
Dude, back off my lady, will ya?
There's not much more to say about this movie. It wasn't very good. I mean, again, I appreciated the tits, but the movie was a bit of a wreck and didn't seem to really have much focus. At least next week I can move onto a classic of the mid-70s. Prepare yourself for the corporate-run near future of 2018 where we all tune in religiously to watch Rollerball!