Friday, March 30, 2018

Zombie Nightmare (1987)

Since returning from hiatus, I've written about a Canadian movie and a movie from 1987.  This week, I cover a 1987 Canadian movie.  Huh...  Funny how things work out.

Zombie Nightmare is one of those flicks that marries heavy metal and horror.  I've touched upon this before with Black Roses - which also happens to be a Canadian horror movie.  However, this one has a few very distinct reasons for why I wanted this on the blog.

First, this is a Mystery Science Theater 3000 alum.  It's a pretty solid episode as well.  Second, our star, Jon Mikl Thor, had this and another movie with "Nightmare" in the title from 1987 that just simply need to be here on B-Movie Enema.  Finally, it was one of the final six movies to be looped on Bizarre TV before the Roku channel's original owner, Ronda Baffes, passed away.  Bizarre TV was such a huge part of how I was able to get this far with the blog, I feel like I owe it some continued love.

This is a pretty basic little 80 minute movie.  Some punk kids kill a dude at some point in the past.  That guy's son grows up to be killed by some punk ass kids.  He's then resurrected as a zombie, gets various hairstyles, and hunts down the ones who killed him.  There's voodoo, Stephen King level psychopathic teens, Adam West, and a young, super hot Tia Carrere.  Zombie Nightmare!

Friday, March 23, 2018

Assassination (1987)

Ah Cannon Films, how I'm glad to be back in your warm embrace.

And what's this?  It's a Charles Bronson picture this time?  Oh boy.  I'm ready to see some people get their fucking teeth kicked in by a geriatric!

I've covered lots of Cannon Films on this blog, but I've only covered a couple movies from their big Chuck duo - Charles Bronson and Chuck Norris.  Those two previous films, The Delta Force and Firewalker, both belong to Chuck Norris.  It was often said, as a bit of an inside thing, that the Cannon Films casting often looked at whatever goofy movie Golan and Globus wanted to make and then separated them into the two Chuck piles.  Some were better for Chuck Norris' skill set while others were better for Bronson.  I'm guessing the movies that needed a more mobile action star who might be able to be more hands on with dishing out justice to punks went to Norris.  Then the ones that seemed more suitable for a Clint Eastwood type went to Bronson.  After all, by the time Bronson started making tons of Cannon Films, he was in his 50s and seemed much older than Norris anyway.

Assassination paired Bronson with his real life wife, Jill Ireland.  And while there does seem to be an interesting premise - the First Lady is on the run for her life with a Secret Service agent assigned to her only to find out that perhaps the people who want her dead are actually occupants of the White House itself! - the trailer kind of shows two issues.  First, this seems almost like a rehash of the witness-to-a-crime-on-the-run-with-cop idea in Cobra (a Cannon movie from the year before).  Second, it has the good old fashioned Golan-Globus Americanism involved with this bitch of a First Lady being difficult to deal with and making you wish Nancy Reagan was still around.

Ugh...  Just...  Fuck that.

Anyway, this does have an interesting director in Peter Hunt.  This guy directed one of the most underrated James Bond films in the entire, long history of the series - On Her Majesty's Secret Service.  In fact, Hunt had a major hand in the entire Bond series up to that point, serving as either editor or part of the editing department for every single film in the series before OHMSS.  This guy is kind of a hero of mine.  Not only is this another "secret service" movie, the star also married to the leading lady (in OHMSS, Bond actually fell in love and got married to the leading Bond Lady, much like how Bronson and Ireland are a real life couple), but this also, sadly was Hunt's final outing as a director of any kind for a major theatrically released film.

So, let's get into this and see if Cannon has put the "Ass" back into Assassination!

Friday, March 16, 2018

Girl House (2014)

Looks who's back in this shit saddle again!

Welcome to the 101st B-Movie Enema entry.  After spending the better part of the last, like, three months on hiatus while another project I'm a part of, Film Seizure, was launched and sailed on its own, I'm ready to come back home and begin the next hundred Enemas by returning to my bread and butter: Girls, Slashers, Dumbness, Canadian Horror, and Girl Boobs.

So, that brings us to 2014's Girl House directed by Trevor Matthews.  And I bring that up because I first saw this movie on one of the Showtime channels called Showtime Women.  They had this bumper before the movie talking about movies made by women for women.  So I thought, "Oh, okay, a lady made this movie.  That might bode well."  But it is directed by Mr. Matthews, written by Nick Gordon, and produced by Matthews, Gordon, and Cory Neal - a guy who is so much a guy, he has two guy first names as his full name.  It is also shot and edited by guys too.  That's odd, but maybe the movie is about something that would be geared toward women, that would be...

Fuck, it's about girls who work on a porno site being stalked by a maladjusted fat asshole.

I don't know about any women wanting in on this, but I'm 1,000% on board for this.  But yeah, just in case you thought I was being kinda goofy about what this movie is about, here's just some extra proof from Amazon: "In an attempt to make some extra cash while at College, Kylie moves into a house that streams content to an X-rated website. After a fan hacks in to find the house's location, she finds herself in a terrifying fight for her life."  

Alrighty, let's get back to talkin' about some shitty movies.  I've got my tissues and lotion and a nice cup of hot tea (what - I have a runny nose and my poor hands get super dry during the winter, not to mention I just want to relax with some Earl Grey).  Let's watch a fat asshole kill some hotties!
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