Friday, April 27, 2018

The Suckling (1990)

Oh, what's this?  The Suckling?  I wonder if this movie is any good.  What is it that they say?  Ah, that's right...

"What's in a name?  Everything."

Oh.  Oh, no.  That doesn't bode well.  Well, I can at least say that the monster on the cover of the box is fucking awesome looking.  Look at that guy!  He's all head and teeth and grossness!

I also have to give it props for two things written up on for real, very reliable websites.  The first, is the very brief synopsis given on Amazon Prime Video: "An aborted fetus dumped in a sewer full of toxic sludge returns.  Newly restored in HD."  Fuck yeah!  We got a dumpster baby!  AND!  AND!  It's been restored to high goddamn definition!  That just kills me.  That part at the end about it being newly restored is likely not going to be the selling point for any normal person looking for a movie for this evening's entertainment.

Second is the "Reception" portion of its Wikipedia page: "As stated in the copy of one release of this film, 'THE SUCKLING has been compared to Alien for its claustrophobic intensity and Die Hard for its non-stop action.' Given the film's low budget and technical flaws, discerning filmgoers may disagree."  Are Wikipedia pages allowed to infer stuff like that?  I kinda want to scream "FAKE NEWS!" at Wikipedia for that section like people who may try to use this film as "gotcha evidence" against Planned Parenthood on various conspiracy theory YouTube channels.

Also, before I dive in, I feel it necessary that this movie has a second title as well - Sewage Baby.  That's all.  Just a fucking awesome secondary title for this movie I'm about to watch.

Friday, April 20, 2018

After School Massacre (2014)

I'm gonna guess it doesn't take too much to understand why I'm doing this movie, but, nonetheless, this week's B-Movie Enema is a little 2014 "comedy" I found on Amazon Prime Video called After School Massacre.

I mean, the cover's got the word "massacre" in the title.  There's a bloody knife.  It's got a shitty tagline of "Some students just don't make the grade."  "After school" takes me back to the cheesy, but still classic, ABC Afterschool Specials that taught me the dangers of strangers and drugs and pregnancy.  It looks like the killer committing the titular massacre is hiding under a bath towel...  Or, wait, I guess he's under the bed.

Oh, yeah, there are also four comely women who are playing sexy girl games in various stages of undress on top of that bed the killer is hiding under.  Dude!  The action is on TOP of the bed, not UNDER it!  I don't know much about this movie at this point, but I don't know how smart the killer is if he's not getting in on that action on top of the bed.

Admittedly, this is a bit of a softball lob for me to crush.  I was looking around for movies to talk about as I was prepping to return to the blog after my sabbatical and this was just dangling out there like the perfect pitch over the plate for Mark McGwire to swing away at.  It's got all that shit all over the cover like a crappy 80s slasher flick.  It's only 73 minutes in length.  Hot chicks.  This is gonna be an easy one to help build the catalog for the blog.  I fully admit it.

But what is this movie actually about?  Well, here's what Amazon says: "A 12th grade European History teacher, whose minor online communication with a teasing student finds himself immediately terminated from the school grounds.  In a fit of rage, he snaps into a psychotic killing spree, terrorizing his former female students at their slumber party!"

So there you have it.  I kinda feel like writer/director Jared Masters probably was watching Slumber Party Massacre and thought to himself, "Yeah, I can do that exact thing.  And voila!  After School Massacre was slapped together and released asap.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Saturday the 14th (1981)

This week's B-Movie Enema is being released in conjunction with the latest three-part episode extravaganza at Film Seizure!

That three-part extravaganza over there is for our original pilot episode in which we talked all about the first three Friday the 13th movies.  So, with today being Saturday the 14th, and we talked about the first three movies of the Friday the 13th series...

Well, you get the picture.

Saturday the 14th was a relatively famous movie when I was a kid.  It seemed to be on TV an awful lot and had recognizable faces in it.  The star, Richard Benjamin, has sort of been featured here before as well as being known for being the protagonist in the original Westworld movie.  He was not just an actor, but also a director.  Just go back some months to find me talking about his My Stepmother Is an Alien. Here, he's starring with his real life wife, Paula Prentiss, who was mostly known for being in the 1975 version of Get Out, The Stepford Wives.

But wait!  There's more!

Jeffrey Tambor is also present in this movie as a Dracula-like vampire?  Named Waldemar?  Like the Paul Naschy werewolf character.  That's odd.  Also, we have a literal Van Helsing played by character actor Severn Darden who we've seen as Kolp, the primary investigator guy, in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.  So, how's about that?  We have recognizable people in this!

Sadly, where the good parts of name recognition, and a scant 75-minute runtime, end, the real problems with this movie begin.  But let's dive into this movie, and I'll talk about my issues as I come across them...

Friday, April 6, 2018

Terror on Tour (1980)

So here's a bit of a rarity on B-Movie Enema - a movie I'm coming into practically blind.

I've watched the trailer for this week's feature, Terror on Tour, and it looks pretty shitty.  I think it's supposed to be some sort of KISS band with guys in white and black makeup in tight clothes and capes and shit who begin to kill people or something?  No, maybe it's like an early version of Insane Clown Posse or something because they kinda look like clowns?  All I know is that you know you're in good hands when there is no such thing as a poster for the movie.  All you got is a VHS cover, and it's a Media VHS release no less.

I've seen this on the Jofer Jeff YouTube channel and that guy 1) is a Jeff/Geoff, so he's clearly a stand up guy and 2) he's given me plenty of entertainment (including having uploaded a copy of Deadly Sins for me to be able to include that in my Alyssa Milano Month - so, I stress, he's gotta be good people).  However, I do admit, this one might be a bit rough, but I'm game.

This also continues a little bit of a tradition we've seen on this blog before - the rock 'n roll horror movie.  This is the third movie I've covered that has that genre (previously, I've looked at Zombie Nightmare just last week and Black Roses last year), and I plan on continuing to review this sub-genre.  For a good chunk of the 1980s, Evangelical Christian groups felt that horror movies and rock 'n roll were luring children away to make them devil worshipers.  Like, no shit, they really believed that and spent a bunch of the decade tying correlations between bad behavior and taste in music and movies.  Considering KISS was a big time target for these groups, why not make a cheap ass horror movie where you have a band in makeup killing people?  Sounds like a surefire hit!

Considering I hadn't heard of this movie before, oh, about a year ago, it's clear this was nothing of a hit.  Like I said, I have only watched the trailer, and I want to fly this one blind.  So, let's dive into this flick and see what the deal is with this little obscure flick...
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