Friday, May 25, 2018

Kung Fu Brother (2016)

Oh no...  I may have pushed this luck with the kung fu and martial arts movies one week too far.

This... is Kung Fu Brother.  You know you're in troubling waters when the following things can be said about your movie:
1. There is a discrepancy in the release date: Amazon says 2016, IMDb says 2014.
2. IMDb's cumulative score for the movie is a whopping 2.7/10
3. Ron Hall, star of Vampire Assassin, is in your movie. You can find reviews of this here and here.
4. The guy on your DVD cover looks like he just literally lept out of the N64 game Goldeneye and is kicking you with his gross bare foot.

And then there's the trailer.  The trailer looks like The Asylum decided to make a Rush Hour movie and then air it on a GeoCities page.  It's loaded with really dumb jokes.  Throughout the entire trailer, we learn that, surprise, there is no one that looks anything like the computer animated character from the cover of the DVD in the entire movie.  Instead, the titular "Kung Fu Brother" is, indeed, Ron Hall.  And he's only in a little bit of the trailer as the focus is on the Jackie Chan/Chris Tucker wannabes that seem to be the center of this dumb movie.

This movie is gonna hurt.

So the actual synopsis is as follows (from Amazon Prime): "Three cops and a female reporter are in hot pursuit of a murderer whose quest is to acquire the Sacred Kuji Denjo Scrolls.  As the team traverses the globe in this perilous adventure, they can't seem to avoid hand to hand combat battles, white knuckle car chases, sword fights, and explosive gun fights."

Yay.  I can't wait to watch this movie.  It's a good thing it is, indeed, time for me to watch the movie.

Friday, May 18, 2018

Policewomen (1974)

Cold Steel on the outside... ALL woman on the inside!

Ooh boy this kinda has my motor running if you know what I mean, fellas.  Policewomen is about a lady cop (as pictured on the poster to the left), who has a skirt on, some stockings, and boobs, taking on a gang of lady criminals - they, too, probably in the boob and skirts market.  I bet they also like to carry around guns and point them and shit!

HOLY JEEZ, GUYZ!  LADIES AND GUNS!  WOOHOO!

Ahem...  Sorry, everyone.  Not sure what got into me there.  Anyway, I should also point out that this is another movie featuring some sweet martial arts action.  I mean, why not?  Let's turn this month into a balls-to-the-walls kung fu month, eh?!?

I should probably also mention that this movie is titled awkwardly, and there is a story behind that.  First of all, this movie only follows a single police lady - or police woman.  However, the title of the movie is pluralized.  Why's that?  Well, right around the same time this movie was slated to release, a TV pilot by the name of Police Woman was airing.  So, the makers of this movie decided to make the woman women and then cram the two words together into one, hence Policewomen.

What's the movie about?  Well, as I've already mentioned above it's about a lady cop (played by The Hangover's Sondra Currie) infiltrating a gang of all lady gold smugglers.  I honestly don't know much more than that.  And martial arts.  Amazon promised me some martial arts.  They also promised that the bad girls are "femme fatales".  I will be the judge of that!

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and start the movie.  I've rambled on this preamble too long.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Devil's Express (1976)

Holy Jesus Fuck, what do we have here?

Why, it's Warhawk Tanzania starring in Devil's Express!  Where do I start with this one?  I mean, everything in the poster looks batshit crazy.  There's a monster guy who has a woman in one hand and a train in the other.  We have the not one, but TWO taglines - "50,000 years of Death stalks the subways!!!" and "Take the Express train to TERROR!!!"  Both of these are capped with three exclamation points so you know you have to take it seriously.

But no, what I like the most is the kung fu black man on the right side of the poster.  Mr. Warhawk Tanzania!  That's a fucking name and a half, ain't it?  Seriously, you can hope for, nay, EXPECT, two things from a name like that - 1) he's gonna kick ass and 2) he ain't gonna take no jive from anybody no how.

Yes, I'm letting the high of The Octagon from last week ride so I can dip into more martial arts action, and you knew from my past forays into blaxploitation that I'd be coming back for more.  And, oh boy do I think I found a great place to jump in (also, no shit, I've scheduled 4 blaxploitation flicks over the course of the next seven weeks, so sit back and enjoy, kiddies!).

Interestingly enough, I can't find too much about either Mr. Tanzania or Devil's Express.  I was able to learn that Tanzania only appeared in two movies between 1975 and 1976 - this one and another called Black Force.  Also, this movie was mostly known as Gang Wars which is an incredibly stupid movie title for a movie that is about a demon stalking the subways.  I almost expect Black Force to be the alternate title of a movie called Just Some Upwardly Mobile Black Gentlemen Acing Tests in Science Class because that would be just as stupid as Gang War is to this movie.

I say we dive in and try to figure out exactly how fucking awesome this movie is going to be and if there is indeed some sort of gang war that is more important than a fucking demon running around the subway system.

Friday, May 4, 2018

The Octagon (1980)

Aw shit yeah octagons.

They tell us to stop our cars.  They are used all over the place for shady fighting tournaments.  They have eight, count 'em EIGHT, sides.  You know why octagons are so fuckin' badass?

Because they ain't no squares, that's why.

Then there's Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris does not wear a condom - because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.  Chuck Norris has counted to infinity - twice.  They once made Chuck Norris brand toilet paper, but he wouldn't take shit from anybody.  The chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN.

Put Chuck Norris and an octagon together in one movie and, holy fuck, do you have something that will melt brains while causing your head to explode from sheer awesomeness.

And that's what we have for this week - The Octagon!  After last month's constant reminder that doing this blog is a curse and not a cure for what ails me, I decided I needed some action.  Action that I can only get from Chuck fuckin' Norris.

By the way - did you know that Chuck Norris once time traveled to stop the JFK assassination?  Yeah, he got there, leaped in front of Oswald's bullets and deflected them with his beard.  From the sheer awesomeness of it all, JFK's head exploded.

The Octagon comes from a time before Chuck Norris became a primary force for Cannon Films - and a beard aficionado.  It's often considered a favorite of martial arts movie fans.  It helped to usher in the 80s ninja/kung fu/action craze that would last for at least a couple decades - with several of those movies finding life as easy to produce entertainment to release direct to video and feed the hunger of action fans all over this big ol' dumb country of ours.

So what's it all about?  Well, Chuck Norris is martial artist action man Scott James (a name I will not refer to anymore in this article because he is, and always shall be, Chuck Norris) who has to conquer some demons of his past and defeat a plan of ninjas to create a worldwide training camp for fuckin' terrorists called THE OCTAGON!

Fuck yeah, people!  That description gives me a 'Murica boner!  So let's stop talking about this movie and let's dive deep into this sweet sweet action flick!
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